How fun was my Florida trip?
...let's deliver you some of my pain...
The first three days included visits to both Disney World and “Disney Hollywood Studios.”
The total cost of tickets to these two parks was ONE THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS (3 centimeters for those on the metric system)...
...and a signed oath that I donate my next child to the park (I believe this is in case one of the "It's a Small World mannequins breaks down).
This is where I screw THEM...as I'm shooting blanks.
Take THAT, Mickey...you little bitch!
These parks included the following fun events:
1) I ate jack sh*t for lunch for two days.
My kids get nice sandwiches packed for lunch by my wife.
Fruit snacks...crackers...a nice little picnic....it's all very quaint.
Well...my wife is completely content to bypass any and all foodstuffs in the parks.
...what normal adult actually WANTS to eat as they tramp through 44 miles of park every day?
I do, actually.
...instead of dealing with a wife's angry empty-stomach wrath, I decided to walk by all that food, too.
In the end run, it's just better this way.
As such, I ate the following items as lunch:
c) A Cookie
d) A complete bag of Gummy Mickie Mouse heads
This latter one brought me much satisfaction as I pretended to eat that f*cking rodent alive.
Although, as a side note, having "gummy poo" the next day is NOT FUN.
2) At one point, it poured 4 inches in approximately half an hour (which basically put me in waste-deep water)...
...requiring me to purchase THIRTY DOLLARS worth of ponchos (literally, four ponchos).
Of course, the rain abruptly stopped as soon as my f*cking credit card was accepted.
I hate mice.
3) Forcing children on a ride they don't want to go on will eventually bite you square in the ass.
My son did NOT want to go on "Haunted Mansion" AT ALL.
As such, I came up with this oh-so-brilliant idea since he's four and can't read very well yet:
Me (looking at park map): "Oh, look...they named it the "Happy Mansion!""
Daughter (who can read): "No, dad..that says..."
Me: "SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!"
(park security stops by to say "hello")
With the ruse successfully in play, we enter the Haunted...um....Happy Mansion...
And, of course...
...the ride abruptly stops for ten f*cking minutes in the scariest section of the ride.
You could hear my son crying and screaming all the way to "It's a Small World."
Those are the people stuck on THAT f*ckshow of a ride.
Mental note to self: Buy rat poison.
4) Ariel in “The Little Mermaid” show has ginormous shell boobs.
I think there was some singing and sh*t in the show...
...but I was busy looking at her conch shells.
I'm also now keenly aware now that I want sushi for lunch.
But all I've got are these gummy mice.
I'm going back to the gift shop to see if they have Gummy Ariel Boobs.
Those f*ckers should really fill me up if they're to scale.