Yes, I’m Catholic.
No, I do not have an ongoing lawsuit against the Church for unlawful violations of my sphincter.
But I digress...
If you’ve paid attention lately, you’ve heard that the Catholic Church has come out with a whole new list of sins.
Like I needed more f*cking reasons to go straight to Hell.
My next couple of posts will include – but are not limited to – the original sins, the new ones, and some of my own ideas.
Jesus will be SO happy.
If you’re keeping score at home, there were originally Seven Deadly Sins:
Let's go over them:
THE ORIGINAL SEVEN DEADLY SINS:
1) Lance Bass
2) JC Chasez
3) Joey Fatone
4) Chris Kirkpatrick
5) Justin Timberlake
Sorry...those are the members of 'N Sync.
While technically "Deadly" and it should be considered a sin to listen to that horrible ass-smelling sh*t...
... there are only five of these douchebags, so I don't think they fully qualify.
Here they are, really:
THE ORIGINAL SEVEN DEADLY SINS:
By the way, there are also "Seven Holy Virtues."
In parallel order to the sins they oppose, the seven holy virtues are: chastity, abstinence, temperance, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility.
Since I've pretty much broken all of these f*cking virtues on the way into work today, I'm just going to talk about the sins.
Let's find out if I'm going to Hell or not, shall we?
(may I be the first to say, "Duh")
I screw up on the very first one.
Gee? Let's see...
Do I qualify for this one?
I had to look this up as it has more than two syllables.
Gluttony: meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink, or intoxicants to the point of waste.
Even if I could possibly beg to get out of my college days, there's no way I can get out of explaining my Montreal trips...
...including one five years ago where I slept 6 hours in the back of my buddy's car while I threw up bile into a Gatorade bottle.
Good times. Good times.
I think I get a point here, as I really don't have enough of ANYTHING that makes me want more than the other guy.
Ha Ha, God! Take THAT!
(somewhere in the world, Hugh Hefner's ears ring)
(See "Hugh Hefner" comment above)
I don't own any lions AT ALL.
That's right...no pride.
This is where Siegfried & Roy get screwed.
Because NOT ONLY do they break THIS one...
...but they also break the "Gluttony " one if you use the definition "meaning to gulp down or swallow."
Wrath = Anger
F*CK ALL THAT IS F*CKING F*CKABLE.
(If you're actually reading this thinking I was going to be able to squirm out of "Wrath," then may I say "Welcome to your very first reading of my blog!")
I own a shirt that says:
Front: "I hate people"
Back: "I hate you"
(Seriously. My wife made it for me as a birthday present. Does she know me or what?)
That shirt pretty much sums me up in a nutshell.
A small, hateful, nutshell.
Sloth is defined as either "laziness" or an "absence of caring."
Considering that I don't give a sh*t what anyone does or thinks...
...and am too f*cking busy playing my XBox to do anything about it...
...I think I qualify here.
So...on the surface, it looks like I'm gonna be burning.
On the bright side, I'll have Hugh Hefner to keep me company.
I hope he brings some girls with him...
...I could use, say, 20 of them or so.
Now I AM being greedy.
But I'm still not changing the f*cking score.
I'm too lazy.