Getting to Hell the Old-Fashioned Way | Mental Poo

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Getting to Hell the Old-Fashioned Way


Yes, I’m Catholic.

No, I do not have an ongoing lawsuit against the Church for unlawful violations of my sphincter.

Yet.

But I digress...

If you’ve paid attention lately, you’ve heard that the Catholic Church has come out with a whole new list of sins.

Awesome.

Like I needed more f*cking reasons to go straight to Hell.

My next couple of posts will include – but are not limited to – the original sins, the new ones, and some of my own ideas.

Jesus will be SO happy.


Anyway...

If you’re keeping score at home, there were originally Seven Deadly Sins:


Let's go over them:

THE ORIGINAL SEVEN DEADLY SINS:

1) Lance Bass
2) JC Chasez
3) Joey Fatone
4) Chris Kirkpatrick
5) Justin Timberlake

Dammit!!

Sorry...those are the members of 'N Sync.


While technically "Deadly" and it should be considered a sin to listen to that horrible ass-smelling sh*t...

... there are only five of these douchebags, so I don't think they fully qualify.


Here they are, really:

THE ORIGINAL SEVEN DEADLY SINS:

1) Lust
2) Gluttony
3) Greed
4) Envy
5) Pride
6) Wrath
7) Sloth

By the way, there are also "Seven Holy Virtues."

In parallel order to the sins they oppose, the seven holy virtues are: chastity, abstinence, temperance, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility.

Since I've pretty much broken all of these f*cking virtues on the way into work today, I'm just going to talk about the sins.

Let's find out if I'm going to Hell or not, shall we?

(may I be the first to say, "Duh")



1) Lust

F*ck.

I screw up on the very first one.

Gee? Let's see...

Do I qualify for this one?

Hot wife?

Check.

Breathing?

Check.

Penis?


Check.

Yep...I qualify.

God: 1
Rod: 0



2) Gluttony

I had to look this up as it has more than two syllables.

Gluttony: meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink, or intoxicants to the point of waste.

Even if I could possibly beg to get out of my college days, there's no way I can get out of explaining my Montreal trips...

...including one five years ago where I slept 6 hours in the back of my buddy's car while I threw up bile into a Gatorade bottle.

Good times. Good times.

God: 2
Rod: 0


3) Greed

FINALLY.

I think I get a point here, as I really don't have enough of ANYTHING that makes me want more than the other guy.

Ha Ha, God! Take THAT!

(somewhere in the world, Hugh Hefner's ears ring)


God: 2
Rod: 1


4) Envy

(See "Hugh Hefner" comment above)

'nuf said.

God: 3
Rod:1



5) Pride

BINGO.

I don't own any lions AT ALL.

That's right...no pride.

This is where Siegfried & Roy get screwed.

Because NOT ONLY do they break THIS one...

...but they also break the "Gluttony " one if you use the definition "meaning to gulp down or swallow."

God: 3
Rod: 2



6) Wrath

Wrath = Anger

F*CK ALL THAT IS F*CKING F*CKABLE.


(If you're actually reading this thinking I was going to be able to squirm out of "Wrath," then may I say "Welcome to your very first reading of my blog!")


I own a shirt that says:

Front: "I hate people"
Back: "I hate you"

(Seriously. My wife made it for me as a birthday present. Does she know me or what?)

That shirt pretty much sums me up in a nutshell.

A small, hateful, nutshell.

God: 4
Rod: 2



7) Sloth

Sloth is defined as either "laziness" or an "absence of caring."

Considering that I don't give a sh*t what anyone does or thinks...

...and am too f*cking busy playing my XBox to do anything about it...

...I think I qualify here.

This sucks.


Final Score:

God: 5
Rod: 2


*********************

So...on the surface, it looks like I'm gonna be burning.

On the bright side, I'll have Hugh Hefner to keep me company.

I hope he brings some girls with him...

...I could use, say, 20 of them or so.

Wait..wait...

Now I AM being greedy.

Dammit!!

But I'm still not changing the f*cking score.

I'm too lazy.

18 comments:

AngryMan said...

I'm pulling for you to beat the odds and make it into heaven.
Also, isn't one of the seven virtues molesting little boys?

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, your not a former Catholic like most of the rest of the part of this country?

The Doggy Did It said...

Oh, I HATE Rachel Ray with every fiber of my being. In fact I would rather have flaming hot pokers shoved in my ears than listen to one minute of her speaking...

Mimzie said...

When you get to Hell, can you save me a seat? Thanks!

Prin said...

Well, after you lost #6, it became obvious that God would win this contest...

~Brenda said...

Don't forget the Monica version of "7" from Friends.

And...just so ya know, coming from this good lil' Catholic girl (not)...this post during the season of Lent...is nothing but a total sacrilege. Dude...you are going to hell. I know that you know...but, you know, just to confirm that. ;)

catscratch said...

I did full posts on my abuse of the seven deadly. Look up Lust, Gluttony and Sloth in the dictionary, you'd find my pictures.... then I got depressed thinking about how friggin evil I was starting to look so I didn't finish the last four.

I'll bring the beer.

Nancy said...

You are brilliant, sick and sinful man. Geez, I like this blog!

Nancy

Mike said...

Don't worry about it dood.

The Hare Krishna's were right all along.

You're going to hell just because you're catholic!

I'll save you a seat. The catholics are seated right next to the atheists.

On the other side are all the children, and the catholic preists are seated nearest to them.

The divider is make of impenetrable glass.

Hell indeed! HAHAHAHA

rs27 said...

How the hell is Pride a sin? So I'm supposed to go walking around not being proud? They should replace it with old people.

Thats a sin.

Biscuit said...

Every time I hear about the Seven Deadly Sins, all I can think about is that movie Se7en. Clever name, that. Then, that makes me think about Gwenneth's head in a box, which is not nearly as much fun as Justin Timberlake's dick-in-a-box.

HeyJoe said...

If you get there first, Moooog, save me a spot in the shade.

And speaking of Se7en, do you remember that scene where that fat guy was forced to eat until he croaked? That was cool.

Chris Farley.

Malicious Intent said...

So glad I am not a Catholic carrying around all of thoes absurd rules and hell and heaven shit. Wise up! It's all a fraud!
Speaking of the 7 deadly sins, I buy these oils from Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs: http://www.blackphoenixalchemylab.com/sin.html That page is the sin and salvation page. First ones listed are the deadly seven sins. own two of them. My favorite is gluttony...if I wear that...there is a lot of lust going on here and hubby wants to eat me alive. So if I did in fact belive in hell...guess I am going there for having a HELL of a time!
Smootch!

ettarose said...

Ha Ha I am a baptist and accordingly because I was Baptized at the tender age of eight I can sin all I want to. All I have to do is ask for forgiveness and all is right with the world. Oh yah, isn't that Brad Pitt with the Playboy bunnies?

billymac said...

see you there buddy... i'm already working on some good f@ck wit the devil shctuff, like replacing his bottled water with holy water, painting halo's on all of his self portraits, and introducing him to Rosie O'Donnell.

Titania Starlight said...

I wouldn't worry. I think you will do just fine. But then againI confess I am a Heathen myself. :O)~

You are the Master of Funny.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

my soul's grocery list:

1. booze
2. big tittied whores
3. fried food (mmm gluttony with breading!)
4. deep dickin' (but not by trannys with big boobs... i keep those areas of my life seperate)
5. throwing water balloons at hobos (fuck em if they cant take a joke.

Demented Duchess said...

Ha-Ha! This is great! You should check out my 10 non-commandments. LOL.

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