Seven New Sins!! Now with More Fiber! | Mental Poo

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Seven New Sins!! Now with More Fiber!


It's like the idea for "New Coke":

You didn't know how much you were better off with the original version, until the crappy one came along.


I mean, the New Coke still made you burp and do funny sh*t...

...but it tasted like ass.

This is similar to the new Catholic Sins.

I mean, there was really nothing technically wrong with the other ones...

...and these new ones make you just sit back and say:

"Jesus...what the f*ck?"


Let's dig in:

The other day, I wrote about the original "Seven Deadly Sins"

(a.k.a., "Sins Classic")

Now, thanks to the second-in-command at the Vatican (Arnold Schwarzenneger), we have these fan-f*cking-tastic NEW sins to look forward to breaking:

1) Genetic modification
2) experiments on humans
3) pollution
4) causing social injustice
5) causing poverty
6) taking drugs
7) obscene wealth

For Christ's sake.

You think you did a good enough job covering every f*cking person on the planet?

Hey...Vatican guy...

I think you forgot this one:

8) Now, or at some previous time, have skin

There.

That should cover it.

WTF.


Now, these are considered “The deadly or mortal sins”

...in stark contrast to “venial sins.”

I put the word "stark" in there simply for dramatic effect.

The truth is, I have no idea what the difference is between "deadly" and "venial"...

I only know that "venial sins" sounds like "vaginal sins"...

…and I can come up with an ENTIRE list of sins for that alone...

(most of which involve batteries, food and - in some cases - llamas)

Also, I've known a few vaginas that could also be considered deadly.

But a shot of penicillin usually clears it up.


Anyway...

I don’t pay attention when I go to church (which is an event that happens once or twice every five years…and requires someone to be dead or married).

Asking me to pay attention in church is like asking a necrophiliac to stop f*cking dead people.

Ain’t. Gonna. Happen.


Anyway…

For this post, I’m simply going to see if any of these new sins apply to me...

...similar to my catastrophic failure in the Original Sins post.

Here goes:

Sin #1: Genetic modification:

I think I’m free and clear on this one, unless “shaving your balls and diluting your sperm” counts as a genetic modification.

I’ve also done horrible, horrible things to my daughter’s Barbie dolls…

...but I'm hoping that doesn't count.

(reminder for myself here to wash out the inside of the "Barbie Van" when I get home)


Also, now that I think about it, I believe I was drinking a Bartles-N-James Fruity-Tooty Wine Cooler when I conceived my daughter…

…which MAY have altered her genetics…

…ultimately causing her inability to listen to a F*CKING THING HER PARENTS TELL HER TO DO.

If that’s the case…color me guilty.


Sin #2: Experiments on humans

I’m screwed here if this includes hazing people when they’re passed out drunk…

Drunk Person at party: “Let’s write all over his face!”

Crowd: “Huzzah!!”

Me: “..and then let’s stick our fists in his ass!”

*cricket*

…or if they’re including any of my years in college.

I’m really hoping both of those are exempt from this bullet item.


#3: Pollution

They need to be more clear on this.

If they’re talking about throwing my McDonald’s bag out my car window, then I’m all set.

However, if the term “pollution” includes throwing all my holiday sh*t into the river behind my house when I’m done with it, then I’m fairly screwed.

Really.

If you happen to be standing at the edge of a waterway somewhere, and see pumpkins, Christmas Trees, cornstalks or car batteries float by, then it’s probably from me.


#4: Causing Social Injustice

I don’t know what this means, and – to be honest with you – I’m too lazy to try to figure it out.

(see: "Sloth" in the original list)

If you don’t like it, go f*ck yourself.

Actually, that may be social injustice right there.

In between calling our janitor a "fucking peasant" and lifting up the skirt of the secretary, saying, "Hey..hey...did you know it's 'Dress Up Day?'", I decided to Google it:

Wikipedia (a.k.a., the f*cksh*ts who won't let me submit the term, "Mooge") gives this definition:

Social Injustice arises when equals are treated unequally and unequals are treated equally.

Oh.

I still don't get it.

Maybe I'll figure it out while I'm pissing all over the toilet seat in the men's room.

Our janitor hates that sh*t.


#5: Causing Poverty

I’m not sure how you actually cause poverty.

However, I think I still qualify for this by:

a) running up three credit cards to their limit...
b) taking the family to f*cking Disney World...

...and THEN...

c) buying a three-thousand dollar couch

…thus causing MYSELF poverty.

Actually...

...I just found that our janitor just got shitcanned for leaving piss stains all over the toilet.

I'm screwed on this one now, too.


#6: Taking Drugs

(see “College Days” reference, above)

If this is not retro-active, then I’m all set.

(unless Percocets and Vicoden count when prescribed by your doctor)

Otherwise, back in the day...

...I stuffed more things into my body than Tara Reid.

(also see "Lust" in Original Sin list)


#7: Obscene Wealth

Phew-f*cking-hoo.

FINALLY.

Saved on the last one (see #5).

Luckily, they put the word “wealth” in after “obscene”...

...or otherwise I’d have even more f*cking explaining to do to St. Peter.

That would suck.

But you know...

I bet the janitor rat's me out to him first, though.

F*cking peasant.

17 comments:

AngryMan said...

I wonder how they define genetic modification. I mean, the simple act of drilling your wife to get her pregnant could lead to a genetic modification. Stupid frelling Catholics . . .

Malicious Intent said...

angryman has a point. Your parents obviously dabbled in genetic modification...I mean look at you?
And I think getting your balls unplugged is a genetic modification because now you cannot go forward and be fruitfull and multiply. I mean you need to have at the very least 25 kids if you are catholic. Right? Sinner!


Experiements on humans...well the entire federal government will burn in hell for that. They spend a great deal of their time poisoning us with lies and chemicals and really bad hair styles. Or is that Social Injustice? Both?

YOu are screwed on pollution. I mean your site is called Mental Poo...isn't that somehow contributing to global warming?

"venial sins" I think it should be "venereal sins." Not vagina. It's not fair to include all vagina's....some of them are nice and harm no one.

Social injustice? Nah, not you...never. If anything you balance things out to a fair playing field. One covered in poo, but fair.

OH well, they are all pretty stupid sins/rules/laws. So glad I am a heathen myself. I don't have to follow such stupid and pitiful guidelines. Just use common sense and not step in shit. (Which is hard to do in here, but I did purchase a new lovely pair of thigh high boots just for visiting here.) I also don't take kindly to some other idiots completely disconnected with the real world telling me how to live my life. I feel maybe, just maybe you might feel the same way.

Mike said...

You were right in the first point... EVERYBODY is boned, unless of course you become catholic and confess your sins.

Then it's all good.

Hell, you could murder children as long as you repent, you're still going to heaven.

Ain't religion grand?

Rufus said...

I can't stop laughing! This was awesome! I want a follow up on the seven sins of the future.
I mean, seriously -- what's it gonna be in 2121?
Here, I'll start the first:
1. Experiments on humans that have been genetically modified to clean pollution after social injustice because of poverty and legal drug use by obscenely wealthy people is prohibited.
Next?

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

Rod, I was hesitating at first whether I should comment or not, but after convincing myself that the others here are heathens too, I'm typing this. I'm a Hindu-Hellene.

What I wanted to say was; humour is among my priorities and I think you're doing very well, so I'm going to link to your blog.

Thank you.

upset waitress said...

I altered my tits to be bigger. I'm a sinner. Ahh but I get fucked anytime I want. Bonus sin.

moooooog35 said...

MI: Congratulations on the first-ever comment that's almost been as long as my post. And that's saying something.

Indrani: WTF is a Hindu-Hellene? Sounds like a hair color.

Upset: I, too, get f*cked whenever I want. However, it's usually at work...by my boss.

~Brenda said...

Just to clarify...mortal sin is like a freakin' size-does-matter clog in the artery...your ass is dead. A venial sin is like a smaller version of the mortal one...but, you know, get enough of them together and...your ass is dead.

Sister Mary Juana taught us that in HS...'cept she didn't say ass. :D

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

Hello Rod,

Well, I'm a pagan, that's what I meant. By birth I'm a Hindu Indian and since I have also been worshipping the Greeks Gods for 6 and half years now, I'm also a Hellene, Hellenism being the heathen religion of Greece. And thus Hindu-Hellene :-)

I came to your blog from the blog of a fellow member of the heathen site where I comment often. Her name is Crys, you may or maynot know her.

You'll find 'Moog's Mental Poo' on the right hand side here at Crys' site:
http://thelifeofcrys.blogspot.com/

Thank you.

rantingdiva said...

You are an amazing sinner. I dig it.

billymac said...

sinning is like the new black... and i look cool in black, it goes with all of my hair.

Malach the Merciless said...

#9. Getting any religious advice from a dude named MOOOOGE.

upset waitress said...

Here moooog, I think of you when I come across ass stories. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,339270,00.html

No it's not about the fat lady that grew into her toilet seat either.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Well it looks like you can't win, so screw it. :D

art said...

hahah, i cant imagine if a priest read your blog.. well done bro!akpg

Baba Doodlius said...

Ah, gotta love #6, the one about drugs, considering that alcohol (accurately considered a drug) is part of the Catholic canon. And not just any alcohol, but *blood*alcohol! "Drink this it's my blood! Muhuhuhuhahahaha!" Alcoholism or vampirism?

Actually, that's pretty cool if you can get away with it: blood-drinking as part of your religion. Nice! Bully for Catholicism.

Prin said...

Sorry I've fallen so far behind, Mooog. I just have this thing where I have to read them in order and then I fall behind and then... it's now.

#7- doesn't that send the Catholic church to hell? Or no, wait after all the abuse lawsuits, they have less money, right? So now they can add it in there.

I see.

Kudos for MI for standing up for the harmless p*ssy.

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