It's like the idea for "New Coke":
You didn't know how much you were better off with the original version, until the crappy one came along.
I mean, the New Coke still made you burp and do funny sh*t...
...but it tasted like ass.
This is similar to the new Catholic Sins.
I mean, there was really nothing technically wrong with the other ones...
...and these new ones make you just sit back and say:
"Jesus...what the f*ck?"
Let's dig in:
The other day, I wrote about the original "Seven Deadly Sins"
(a.k.a., "Sins Classic")
Now, thanks to the second-in-command at the Vatican (Arnold Schwarzenneger), we have these fan-f*cking-tastic NEW sins to look forward to breaking:
1) Genetic modification
2) experiments on humans
4) causing social injustice
5) causing poverty
6) taking drugs
7) obscene wealth
For Christ's sake.
You think you did a good enough job covering every f*cking person on the planet?
I think you forgot this one:
8) Now, or at some previous time, have skin
That should cover it.
Now, these are considered “The deadly or mortal sins”…
...in stark contrast to “venial sins.”
I put the word "stark" in there simply for dramatic effect.
The truth is, I have no idea what the difference is between "deadly" and "venial"...
I only know that "venial sins" sounds like "vaginal sins"...
…and I can come up with an ENTIRE list of sins for that alone...
(most of which involve batteries, food and - in some cases - llamas)
Also, I've known a few vaginas that could also be considered deadly.
But a shot of penicillin usually clears it up.
I don’t pay attention when I go to church (which is an event that happens once or twice every five years…and requires someone to be dead or married).
Asking me to pay attention in church is like asking a necrophiliac to stop f*cking dead people.
Ain’t. Gonna. Happen.
For this post, I’m simply going to see if any of these new sins apply to me...
...similar to my catastrophic failure in the Original Sins post.
Sin #1: Genetic modification:
I think I’m free and clear on this one, unless “shaving your balls and diluting your sperm” counts as a genetic modification.
I’ve also done horrible, horrible things to my daughter’s Barbie dolls…
...but I'm hoping that doesn't count.
(reminder for myself here to wash out the inside of the "Barbie Van" when I get home)
Also, now that I think about it, I believe I was drinking a Bartles-N-James Fruity-Tooty Wine Cooler when I conceived my daughter…
…which MAY have altered her genetics…
…ultimately causing her inability to listen to a F*CKING THING HER PARENTS TELL HER TO DO.
If that’s the case…color me guilty.
Sin #2: Experiments on humans
I’m screwed here if this includes hazing people when they’re passed out drunk…
Drunk Person at party: “Let’s write all over his face!”
Me: “..and then let’s stick our fists in his ass!”
…or if they’re including any of my years in college.
I’m really hoping both of those are exempt from this bullet item.
They need to be more clear on this.
If they’re talking about throwing my McDonald’s bag out my car window, then I’m all set.
However, if the term “pollution” includes throwing all my holiday sh*t into the river behind my house when I’m done with it, then I’m fairly screwed.
If you happen to be standing at the edge of a waterway somewhere, and see pumpkins, Christmas Trees, cornstalks or car batteries float by, then it’s probably from me.
#4: Causing Social Injustice
I don’t know what this means, and – to be honest with you – I’m too lazy to try to figure it out.
(see: "Sloth" in the original list)
If you don’t like it, go f*ck yourself.
Actually, that may be social injustice right there.
In between calling our janitor a "fucking peasant" and lifting up the skirt of the secretary, saying, "Hey..hey...did you know it's 'Dress Up Day?'", I decided to Google it:
Wikipedia (a.k.a., the f*cksh*ts who won't let me submit the term, "Mooge") gives this definition:
Social Injustice arises when equals are treated unequally and unequals are treated equally.
I still don't get it.
Maybe I'll figure it out while I'm pissing all over the toilet seat in the men's room.
Our janitor hates that sh*t.
#5: Causing Poverty
I’m not sure how you actually cause poverty.
However, I think I still qualify for this by:
a) running up three credit cards to their limit...
b) taking the family to f*cking Disney World...
c) buying a three-thousand dollar couch
…thus causing MYSELF poverty.
...I just found that our janitor just got shitcanned for leaving piss stains all over the toilet.
I'm screwed on this one now, too.
#6: Taking Drugs
(see “College Days” reference, above)
If this is not retro-active, then I’m all set.
(unless Percocets and Vicoden count when prescribed by your doctor)
Otherwise, back in the day...
...I stuffed more things into my body than Tara Reid.
(also see "Lust" in Original Sin list)
#7: Obscene Wealth
Saved on the last one (see #5).
Luckily, they put the word “wealth” in after “obscene”...
...or otherwise I’d have even more f*cking explaining to do to St. Peter.
That would suck.
But you know...
I bet the janitor rat's me out to him first, though.