How Jaws got 20/20 Vision | Mental Poo

Monday, March 17, 2008

How Jaws got 20/20 Vision


Two eye visits, twice a year, and a pair of frames.

Apparently, sharks are also covered under this Health Policy.

Let me explain...

On our last full day in Florida, we took the kids to SeaWorld.

(SeaWorld motto: "Hey loser, you just paid $60 TO LOOK AT GODDAMN FISH")

Anyway...

At about midday, we walked to "Shark Encounter."

"Shark Encounter" lets you walk through a series of rooms, where a bunch of large predatory animals circle around you...

...much like being on MySpace.


Anyway...

At the end of the exhibit, you get to feed the sharks.

Yes.

Feed the sharks.

After being accosted by security to "PUT THE CHILDREN DOWN!", I realized that they actually SELL FOOD that you feed the sharks with.

Ah.

That makes more sense.

Because I was wondering what I was going to do with my kids' leftover Disney passes.


But I digress...

So, you feed the sharks with squid.

Squid is slimy and wet and smelly.

At one point I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't feeding the sharks little bits of Paris Hilton.


Anyway...

I was bent over holding the tray of squid out for my son.

As he grabbed a piece of squid, I said:

Me: "Okay, Cam...you have to throw it into the tank pretty hard."

Unfortunately for me, he understood completely.

You know...

Sometimes, I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut.

With squid in hand, he wound up...

...and hurled his arm forward.

Mind you, I was bent over to the side of him.

His little hand, rushing forward hit the side of my face...

...snagged my glasses with his fingers...

...and chucked them right into the shark tank along with his squid.

*PLOOP!*



Um...

*blink*

*blink*


Me (standing up):
"Um...Cam just threw my glasses in the shark tank."

My wife looked at me.

Wife: "What?!"

Me: "He just threw my glasses in the tank."

We look over and there, on the bottom of the tank amongst dozens of swirling sharks and stingrays...

...sat my glasses.


My wife starts laughing.

She loves when sh*t like this happens.

Then...

...we see the stingray coming.

How awesome.

You see...

Earlier in the day, we fed stingrays.

So we knew that stingrays had mouths on their undersides...

...and that they suck things up into their mouths with great force...

...much like Pam Anderson does.


Wife: "I think that stingray is going to eat your glasses."

Sure as sh*t, here comes Mr. Stingray...gliding along...

...and he stops RIGHT THE F*CK OVER my glasses.

Really?

Can this vacation be any more goddamn magical?


He didn't eat them.

This made me happy.

My wife, immediately sensing my sense of urgency and duress in my optical situation, rushes to my aid...

...and grabs the video camera.

Wife:
"I HAVE to tape this!"

I love Florida SO MUCH.

An attendant managed to fish my glasses back from the tank which - I might add - were EXCEPTIONALLY clean.

I'm assuming they were cleaned by the stingray...

...who forcefully sucked the grit and grime off of them...

...like Britney Spears trying to make friends in rehab.

Sweet.

I wonder if she smells like squid.

24 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

But why didn't the midget man of steel jump in after his glasses in the shark tank? I am so let down, and thought you were a real life super hero. Bummer. I want my money back, the money I left on your dresser.

Mike said...

That was a great story, but since you mentioned the video, where is it?

Since you didn't post the video, as m. intent up there said, you could have made up another story.

Like fighting off great whites with your moog hard on (like a giant half pencil lance) to retrieve your glasses (which you sucked into your anus through a negative pressure fart).

Oh well.

This story was good too.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, now I will have to tell my story of the river otter and my sons sneaker

Kathleen B. said...

Wait!! I'm completely thrown off. I can't believe there is no poo in this story. I totally expected the stingray to poo on your glasses.

Actually, I was afraid that the stingray DID eat your glasses. I was anticipating the medical bill.

Hilarious, as usual.

C.Rag said...

So when Michael Jackson was dangling his baby over the balcony, he was just trying to feed the sharks.

Now it makes sense.

catscratch said...

You are the coolest Dad around. Really. I would have freaked if I glasses or bra or shoe would have been pitched in.

PetMono said...

i love it when this sh#t happens - to someone else! good graphics!

billymac said...

the urge to toss the little one in after them had to have been greater than you wanted to admit to yourself... or is that just me?.... i should probably do to rehab or something.

Mimzie said...

How many fingers am I holding up?

moooooog35 said...

I draw the line at swimming with sharks.

It's bad enough that I work in technical support, where everyone wants to chew your ass out anyway. I don't need to go swimming with man-eating fish to do any more damage.

meleah rebeccah said...

I cant even handle this post. I dont know HOW you manage to make everything so damned funny.

and LOL @ Mimzies comment.

Christ. I need a tissue to wipe my eyes Im laughing so hard.

Becky..AMHW said...

Heh, you've got shark poop on yer opticals...

Slyde said...

That story was aweaome. awesome!

Baba Doodlius said...

I am the Great and Powerful Baba Doodlius and I know all!* Therefore, I hereby answer your question from the end of this post:

Yes. She does smell like squid. You really don't want to know why, though.



*See disclaimer here.

upset waitress said...

mooooog, I saw this link http://www.quazen.com/Recreation/Drugs/Butt-Hash-The-Waste-High.57504 and thought of you instantly. Had to pass it on :)

Prin said...

How did the attendant get them out? Why were you wearing Waldo's glasses?

Hick@Heart said...

Shark Bait OOH HA HA! from now on every time you put your glasses on you have to say "Shark Bait OOH HA HA"

Good luck trying not to. Shark Bait OOH HA HA

Geocaching With Team Hick@Heart

moooooog35 said...

Upset: MOTHER OF GOD. Why did you make me look at that?!?

Prin: I wear Waldo's glasses because it makes me harder to find in public. I'm a nut for anonymity.

La Gringa said...

hilarious post... thanks for the chuckles!

Chickie said...

Bwahahaha! What did you do to deserve this shit on a vacation, no less?

Michele said...

Omygosh, I just found your blog and having been laughing ever since. Awesome story! I'm definitely bookmarking you. Thanks for the laughs, I needed that!

5thsister said...

I'll be laughing all day!

MrsDixon said...

This is great! I love all the pics!!!

Matty said...

Now this is one for the best seller book.

Related Posts with Thumbnails