Two eye visits, twice a year, and a pair of frames.
Apparently, sharks are also covered under this Health Policy.
Let me explain...
On our last full day in Florida, we took the kids to SeaWorld.
(SeaWorld motto: "Hey loser, you just paid $60 TO LOOK AT GODDAMN FISH")
At about midday, we walked to "Shark Encounter."
"Shark Encounter" lets you walk through a series of rooms, where a bunch of large predatory animals circle around you...
...much like being on MySpace.
At the end of the exhibit, you get to feed the sharks.
Feed the sharks.
After being accosted by security to "PUT THE CHILDREN DOWN!", I realized that they actually SELL FOOD that you feed the sharks with.
That makes more sense.
Because I was wondering what I was going to do with my kids' leftover Disney passes.
But I digress...
So, you feed the sharks with squid.
Squid is slimy and wet and smelly.
At one point I had to look twice to make sure I wasn't feeding the sharks little bits of Paris Hilton.
I was bent over holding the tray of squid out for my son.
As he grabbed a piece of squid, I said:
Me: "Okay, Cam...you have to throw it into the tank pretty hard."
Unfortunately for me, he understood completely.
Sometimes, I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut.
With squid in hand, he wound up...
...and hurled his arm forward.
Mind you, I was bent over to the side of him.
His little hand, rushing forward hit the side of my face...
...snagged my glasses with his fingers...
...and chucked them right into the shark tank along with his squid.
Me (standing up): "Um...Cam just threw my glasses in the shark tank."
My wife looked at me.
Me: "He just threw my glasses in the tank."
We look over and there, on the bottom of the tank amongst dozens of swirling sharks and stingrays...
...sat my glasses.
My wife starts laughing.
She loves when sh*t like this happens.
...we see the stingray coming.
Earlier in the day, we fed stingrays.
So we knew that stingrays had mouths on their undersides...
...and that they suck things up into their mouths with great force...
...much like Pam Anderson does.
Wife: "I think that stingray is going to eat your glasses."
Sure as sh*t, here comes Mr. Stingray...gliding along...
...and he stops RIGHT THE F*CK OVER my glasses.
Can this vacation be any more goddamn magical?
He didn't eat them.
This made me happy.
My wife, immediately sensing my sense of urgency and duress in my optical situation, rushes to my aid...
...and grabs the video camera.
Wife: "I HAVE to tape this!"
I love Florida SO MUCH.
An attendant managed to fish my glasses back from the tank which - I might add - were EXCEPTIONALLY clean.
I'm assuming they were cleaned by the stingray...
...who forcefully sucked the grit and grime off of them...
...like Britney Spears trying to make friends in rehab.
I wonder if she smells like squid.