Mary Magdalene makes a Spicy Meatball! | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Mary Magdalene makes a Spicy Meatball!

Holy Appetizers, Batman!

Literally.

My daughter’s First Communion is approaching faster than a priest who's spied a Boy Scout's camp in the middle of the woods.

Yes, that’s right…

…if you haven’t already guessed by the heavy religious tone to my posts, I’m Catholic.

(priest ears prick up from across the globe…then settle back down when they realize that I’m over the age of 10)

(Also, extra points to myself for using the words "priest" and "prick" in the same sentence)


As mentioned previously, you will only see me in church under the following conditions:

1) You’re getting married

2) You’re dead (where, technically, I guess you WON’T see me…but f*ck it, I’m putting it here anyway)

3) We’re under attack and the local church doubles as a bomb shelter

If you've read my previous blasphemy...I mean, um...posts about my own Commandments and my own invented sins, you can pretty much guess that I'm fairly tongue-in-cheek about the whole thing.

(there's a whole other priest joke with tongue-in-cheek here...but I'll refrain this time)

Anyway...

My wife is in the process of planning my daughter’s First Communion after-party.

(Cut to the scene at iParty where the wife and I are gathering party supplies)


Me: "You think this will be enough?"

Wife (looking at shopping cart): "Um...what's with all the vodka and condoms?"

Me: "Well...Isn't the priest coming?"

*pause*

Wife: "Get more condoms."


Yep...a First Communion "after-party".

If you're not Catholic let me explain "First Communion":

You see, First Communion is when, I believe, you take a communion before anyone else does (hence, the use of the word, "first").

I have no idea what "communion" actually is, or why you would want to take it second.

This is my extent of what this actually means.

I'm a good Catholic.


Anyway...

When my daughter made her Confession recently, we did not have a party.

I’m assuming this is because a seven year old has very little to confess:

Daughter: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

Priest (drooling):
“Yes, my child. Go on.”

Daughter: “I watch Spongebob Squarepants, and sometimes I only brush my top teeth.”

Priest: “I don’t think those count as sins, my child.”

*pause*


Daughter:
“I got nothin’.”

Seriously.

What are they going to confess to in the second grade?

Triple homicide?


Anyway…

So my wife and I were talking about the party in the car the other day.

It went like this:

Wife: “We’re going to need to get a cake, and some food for the party.”

Me: “Why?”

Wife: “People are going to want to eat.”

Me: “Assholes.”


*pause*

(Suddenly...a light bulb flickers as an idea pops into my head...then is quickly replaced by the images of forty lipstick lesbians who got there first)

Sorry..sorry...

...about that idea:

Me: “Maybe we should do a theme party.”

Wife: “Oooooooh.”

A THEME PARTY.

We start the brainstorming of a Catholic Theme Party.

We're SO going to Hell.

We came up with the following items for the party:

1) A Crucifix Cake (we could have candles as the nails)

2) Shroud of turnips

3) Jesus-shaped chicken nuggets (all white meat)

4) Apostles wrapped in bacon

5) Crown of Buffalo Wings

6) Mary Magdalene Meatballs

Awesome.


My kids were in the back talking amongst themselves...

...or so I thought:

Me: “Oooh! I've got one! Mary Magdalene Meatballs!”

…then…from the back seat…my four year old son:

Son: “Mary Magdalene Meatballs.”

Great.

My four-year old is committing blasphemy.


Oh well...

At least he'll have something to tell them at HIS confession.

Me: “We could set everything out on a table and call it “The 12 Stations of the Appetizers.”

(somewhere, lighting strikes a small child)

This party is going to be AWESOME.

I’m guessing we shouldn’t invite the priest.

(reminder to myself that if we DO invite him, I need to hide my son)

Now…

…I just need to find some Baptismal Crab Dip for the Nativity Nachos Platter and I’m all set.

22 comments:

Mike said...

I wouldn't worry about it.

The followers of Zeus were the right ones.

Since no one follows Zeus anymore, NOTHING is blasphemy!

Enjoy.

C.Rag said...

In my first confession I said, "I talked bad about a girl in class behind her back."

That fucking little boy penis fondler priest said to me that it was very bad & I needed to say a whole bunch of Hail Marys. Fuck I couldn't remember the hail mary. That was the last time I let any priest touch...no give me confession. I was only seven.

Malicious Intent said...

I was not rasised Catholic, but my friend was ,and I never got the whole Catholic thing. Especially the Catholics who were being good Catholics. You know, the ones who drink and gamble all week, beat their wives and then go to confession and make it all ok again. Ah the mysterious powers of the Catholic Church.

Hmmmmmmm...can we send Bush to confession and will that make it all ok again???

upset waitress said...

Don't forget Mary with her Cherry pie.

Doug said...

Communal wine shooters
Necco wafers as communion wafers for those who have'nt made First Communion
You could put the dip in a chalice and use wafer crackers

Hershey said...

Don't forget the Jesus Juice. Gotta have something to wash down the Noah's Nachos.

wolf said...

As a devout atheist, this cracked me up. If you can't laugh at your own religion, what can you laugh at?

Oh, right. Everybody else's religion. Never mind.

rs27 said...

Don't drink the kool-aid, people!

I would wear one of those halloween outfits where you dress as a priest but have the little boy's head in your crotch.

I would also be hung AND guillotined. It would be bloody.

HeyJoe said...

A few more suggestions, from a similiar article I wrote. Feel free to incorporate them into your party plans.

Gummy Disciples: Not only a tasty treat but the kids will have a swell time trying to identify each of the 12, creating imaginary scenes of the Last Supper, and biting the head off of Judas. Great fun.

Risen Lord Ice Cream Push Ups. Enjoy as the Jesus shaped ice cream ascends towards the heavens

Confessional Trading Cards of all the mortal and not so mortal sins. Be the first on your block to collect all 10 commandments. Heck, collect ‘em all!

Homemade cookies in the shape of your favorite Bible characters. Can YOU pick out Nicodemus? Bet you can’t!

John the Baptist Sport Bottles. Cool off your teammates after those hot summer games.

Garden of Eden candied apples. Betcha can’t resist ‘em!

And for the health conscious, Virgin Mary “Sin Free” Granola Snax.

Jen said...

Hilarious!

I like heyjoe's Necco wafers as communion suggestion! That's what we used to do when my brother's and I were younger. We'd say "Body of Christ" and feed them like a eucharistic minister.

The Catholic religion is so fun to laugh at!

Baba Doodlius said...

Can't wait to see the feedback you get from Sometimes Saintly Nick, should be a hoot!

Lori said...

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo
Upset Waitress!!!! lololol

OMG this was hilarious!

moooooog35 said...

Upset: Good one. I was thinking it would be Virgin Mary's though...but, then, that's just too easy.

Joe: AWESOME. I'm sending you a party invite.

Hershey: I'd serve Jesus Juice, but I think Michael Jackson corners the market on that and, personally, I don't want to approach him for it.

Hungry Mother said...

First Communion parties are great. Those second graders' mothers are usually hot and horny and very susceptible in their religious fervor.

Chelle B. said...

Hehe, I love Catholics, you're all like. Well, except for the priests, they have less sex than you.

At least, they're SUPPOSED to! :p

Naughty Lakota said...

Catholic Schoolgirl outfits are always trendy - you'll need to have a couple of waitresses... errr... waitpeoples... dressed in appropriate attire with their hair in pigtails.

The Doggy Did It said...

Don't forget the cocktail weenies....I will let you come up with a suitable name for them yourself, but you just cannot have a party without weenies.

GorillaSushi said...

They have Chees-its at church?? No way! Screw atheism, I'm a freakin' monk for a cheez-it...

Titania Starlight said...

You are Catholic? For real? Anyway,looks like you are going to have a blast. Do you have a lightening rod on your house, just in case? :o)~

~Brenda said...

You really truly are a bad influence on me. I'm already reinforcing the church walls because my son's Godfather (my brother) is coming to his First Holy Communion (and I have to go, too). And...and now...sacrilegious-themed food??? Dude...count me IN. I need to find a good deal on that lightning rod. ;)

moooooog35 said...

Titania/Brenda:

Where's the lightning rod?

You forget, my name IS Rod.

I'm the lightning Rod in this story.

Please don't forget it.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

Prin said...

You're letting your little girl drink wine?!? :D

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