Holy Appetizers, Batman!
My daughter’s First Communion is approaching faster than a priest who's spied a Boy Scout's camp in the middle of the woods.
Yes, that’s right…
…if you haven’t already guessed by the heavy religious tone to my posts, I’m Catholic.
(priest ears prick up from across the globe…then settle back down when they realize that I’m over the age of 10)
(Also, extra points to myself for using the words "priest" and "prick" in the same sentence)
As mentioned previously, you will only see me in church under the following conditions:
1) You’re getting married
2) You’re dead (where, technically, I guess you WON’T see me…but f*ck it, I’m putting it here anyway)
3) We’re under attack and the local church doubles as a bomb shelter
If you've read my previous blasphemy...I mean, um...posts about my own Commandments and my own invented sins, you can pretty much guess that I'm fairly tongue-in-cheek about the whole thing.
(there's a whole other priest joke with tongue-in-cheek here...but I'll refrain this time)
My wife is in the process of planning my daughter’s First Communion after-party.
(Cut to the scene at iParty where the wife and I are gathering party supplies)
Me: "You think this will be enough?"
Wife (looking at shopping cart): "Um...what's with all the vodka and condoms?"
Me: "Well...Isn't the priest coming?"
Wife: "Get more condoms."
Yep...a First Communion "after-party".
If you're not Catholic let me explain "First Communion":
You see, First Communion is when, I believe, you take a communion before anyone else does (hence, the use of the word, "first").
I have no idea what "communion" actually is, or why you would want to take it second.
This is my extent of what this actually means.
I'm a good Catholic.
When my daughter made her Confession recently, we did not have a party.
I’m assuming this is because a seven year old has very little to confess:
Daughter: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”
Priest (drooling): “Yes, my child. Go on.”
Daughter: “I watch Spongebob Squarepants, and sometimes I only brush my top teeth.”
Priest: “I don’t think those count as sins, my child.”
Daughter: “I got nothin’.”
What are they going to confess to in the second grade?
So my wife and I were talking about the party in the car the other day.
It went like this:
Wife: “We’re going to need to get a cake, and some food for the party.”
Wife: “People are going to want to eat.”
(Suddenly...a light bulb flickers as an idea pops into my head...then is quickly replaced by the images of forty lipstick lesbians who got there first)
...about that idea:
Me: “Maybe we should do a theme party.”
A THEME PARTY.
We start the brainstorming of a Catholic Theme Party.
We're SO going to Hell.
We came up with the following items for the party:
1) A Crucifix Cake (we could have candles as the nails)
2) Shroud of turnips
3) Jesus-shaped chicken nuggets (all white meat)
4) Apostles wrapped in bacon
5) Crown of Buffalo Wings
6) Mary Magdalene Meatballs
My kids were in the back talking amongst themselves...
...or so I thought:
Me: “Oooh! I've got one! Mary Magdalene Meatballs!”
…then…from the back seat…my four year old son:
Son: “Mary Magdalene Meatballs.”
My four-year old is committing blasphemy.
At least he'll have something to tell them at HIS confession.
Me: “We could set everything out on a table and call it “The 12 Stations of the Appetizers.””
(somewhere, lighting strikes a small child)
This party is going to be AWESOME.
I’m guessing we shouldn’t invite the priest.
(reminder to myself that if we DO invite him, I need to hide my son)
…I just need to find some Baptismal Crab Dip for the Nativity Nachos Platter and I’m all set.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Holy Appetizers, Batman!