It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...
Where I take the full brunt of your burning questions...
...like Pam Anderson's hoo-ha bore the wicked wrath of Tommy Lee's mammoth junk.
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.
You've been warned.
Our first letter comes from AngryMan.
If you've read AngryMan, then you know that he's more just kind of slightly perturbed than actually angry.
..whatever..he's a good read.
Here's his question:
Do you have a job? Do you spend time w/your kids?
The reason I'm asking is b/c if the answer to either is yes, then I'm curious as to how you find time do to so much artwork in your blogging.
I'm guessing that you sub it out to a Mexican who is willing to work for beans.
Am I right?
Yes, I have a job.
Unfortunately, you people aren't clicking around on my site enough (see these ads around here, f*ckers? START CLICKING!!) in order to allow me to make enough money to quit this job.
I've spent approximately 8,000 man-hours on this blog, and have made a grand total of $50.18.
Although $50 may sound like a lot of money to my readers from Somalia (shout out here to "Nic-nuk-luk" and his lovely wife "Clickety-Clack")...
...it's barely enough for me and the wife to enjoy a meal of appetizers, fajitas and desserts at our local Chili's.
(Nic-nuk-luk has just passed out...his wife Clickety begins eating him)
This $50 check came from Israel (seriously), and I had to talk my wife into cashing it at the bank...
...as she was afraid she'd be accosted by Homeland Security.
(her name being "Jennifer-Osama-Barack-Jihad" doesn't help things, either)
Regarding my kids...
I spend sufficient time with my kids that allows me to remember their names.
I fear that they would be sad if I simply started calling them "Thing 1 and Thing 2."
Regarding the artwork...
I do NOT sub it out to Mexicans...however, that's not really a bad idea.
My problem is that I can't stand accents and hate listening to people speak Spanish ...
(which, to me, sounds like someone repeating "potato potato potato potato" over and over again)
...so I doubt this will ever happen.
I'm in the technical support field of work, and - therefore - have an obligation to help people.
My conundrum is that I actually don't want to help people...as the majority of them are needy little bitches that I can't f*cking stand.
Therefore, I instead spend the time I'm supposed to be doing this Googling Images and then deftly crafting them with artisan skill using Microsoft Paint (4 out of 5 retarded people choose Microsoft Paint as their preferred toothpaste!).
Thanks for your question, Perturbed Man.
Malach the Merciless asked me the next one.
FYI, Malach gets his name from - ahem - a character he played in his old "Dungeons and Dragons" days.
Look out, ladies!
Anyway...Malach asked me the following:
Letter #2 from Malach:
Dear Mooge, Why do birds, suddenly appear, every time your are near?
Thank you for your question.
I'm happy that you were able to put down your magic wand and 1972 Playboy magazine long enough to ask me this.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time I am near?
The obvious answer would be:
Well, Malach...just like me, they long to be...close to you.
But that's uber-f*cking-gay.
Add in the fact that I'm not bulimic and dead yet, and I don't think the above is an appropriate answer for you.
The real answer is that birds like me because I smell like worms.
It's either that, or (because I'm so small) I may resemble something that they can actually pick up, carry back to their nest, and feed to their chicks.
This latter reason is why I wear heavy boots (plus, it gives me an extra inch in height).
I realize that if I wear something flashy, the birds may stay away.
Maybe you can let me borrow your wizard's cloak with the shiny moons.
Thanks in advance.
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!
I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top left of my page, or you can email me here.
Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?
You've come to the right place.
Drop me a line.
And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Labels: Dear Moog