A Seal, A Lesbian, and Some Majorly Ripped Abs | Mental Poo

Friday, April 18, 2008

A Seal, A Lesbian, and Some Majorly Ripped Abs


It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Sit down, please…

...you’re embarrassing yourselves.

Now…let’s get started.

This past weekend, my family and I went to see “Nim’s Island.”

For those of you without kids, this movie may not ring a bell with you.

Let’s take a look at why:

(Nim’s Island commercial comes on):

People with kids:


“That looks cute. Hey kids, want to see that this weekend? There’s a silly seal in it!”


People without kids:


People without kids say nothing because they’re having sex and doing all kinds of other fun sh*t besides talking about movies with f*cking silly seals in it.


Anyway…

At an hour-and-a-half long, my son – who is four – found the movie a little long.

Four year olds tend to feel this way about movies when there’s:

1) nothing exploding
2) nothing animated
3) some type of plot that doesn't involve a talking sponge

Actually...this also describes my criteria for a movie as well.


Anyway...

My son also has the memory of a snail and, as such, has to ask me about every person or thing in every scene for the duration of the entire movie.

Son: “Who’s that daddy?”

Me: “Well...that’s Nim.”

(Nim, while dancing turns to face away from the camera…then spins back around)


Son: “Who’s that girl?”

Me: “I just told you. That’s Nim.”

Son: “Who’s Nim?”

*pause*

Me: “I’m not your real father.”


Anyway…about the movie...

The movie stars:

- Abigail Breslin (the little girl from “Little Miss Sunshine” (I LOVE this movie, and probably would have liked “Nim” even more if Steve Carell reprised his role as the mental uncle here)

- Jodie Foster (as far as Lesbos go, she’s a pretty hot one)

- Gerard Butler
(the lead guy from the movie “300” - another kick-ass testosterone-fueled blood-n-guts movie that I LOVE)

- A sea lion that plays soccer

- A lizard that makes noise (seriously…do lizards actually make noise? I have no idea)

- A pelican that’s apparently smarter than the three human actors combined.


The movie is entirely aimed at kids…

…so most of what happens here is not the least bit believable.

If you understand this going in, you’ll be fine and can tolerate the “plot.”

Otherwise, you’ll be sitting through the whole movie looking like the people left in the theater at the end of "Cloverfield"…

…or how I looked at the end of “No Country for Old Men.”

People at the end of “Cloverfield”: “..what the…?”

Me at the end of “No Country”:
“..what the…?”


Got it? Expect nothing, mom and dad.

It’s aimed at kids.

I was surprised, though, at one scene in the movie.

Gerard Butler and Jodi Foster were standing at the edge of the volcano crater.

Suddenly, he shouts:

“THIS. IS. SPARTA!!”…

…then kicked the bitch in.

F*cking Aay! Awesome!

Sorry..sorry…that’s what I was HOPING would happen.

But how f*cking COOL would THAT have been?!


Anyway…

There’s a dead mom (making this an instant children’s classic), a basic plot, and – again - that awesome dude from “300.”

As such, my daughter (who is 7, and can remember things for longer than 2 minutes at a time) enjoyed the movie…

My wife and I thought it was bearable.

By "bearable," I mean that I hadn't carved my eyes out with a spork by the end of it.

I’d ask my son’s opinion, but I don’t think he remembers actually watching it.

Me: “Cam, did you enjoy Nim’s Island?”

Son: “Nim who?”

You can find my son in the parking lot of the movie theater.

I left him there.

Don’t worry, he’s wearing a dog tag with our address on it.

Anyway...we have two scores:

People with Kids:

2-1/2 Mooge Splats



People without kids:

1 Moog Splat (or 2 Moog Splats if you’re making out in the theater and can pull off the “hole in the popcorn bucket” trick)




To see my other movie reviews, you can click here.

Enjoy your weekend.

Moog out.

22 comments:

C.Rag said...

So there was no lesbian make out scenes? At least there weren't any Spartan man love scenes.

The Doggy Did It said...

We do have a kid, but we just tell him the movies are not out yet until they stop playing the previews, and he forgets.


I am SO happy to know that I was not the only person that did not get the ending of No country for old men.

I know I know it was artistic, and something about sometimes the bad guys wins...screw that shiz...I want a resolution damn it!!

Blonde Goddess said...

Are Moog Splats made out of what I think they're made out of?

catscratch diva said...

Yay me! My kids are all growed up now and I don't have to sit through any eye sporking movies anymore!!!

AngryMan said...

Your problem w/your son reminds me of a story my dad always tells about my older brother . . .

We are at my Mom's parents' home in Massachusetts. Mom had to fly back early because of work or something, and Dad drives us from Mass to South Carolina. My brother has a brand-new Admiral Ackbar toy.

5 mins into trip:
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"What's his name again?"
"Admiral Ackbar."
"OK."

5 mins later:
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"What's his name again?"
"Admiral Ackbar."
"OK."

5 mins later:
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"What's his name again?"
"Admiral Ackbar."
"OK."

Every 5 mins. until we get home:
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"What's his name again?"
"Admiral Ackbar."
"OK."

What dad wanted to say, "ADMIRAL FUCKING ACKBAR!!! ACKBAR, GOD DAMNIT, ACKBAR!!!"

Mimzie said...

If Gerard Butler doesn't get semi-naked then I really don't see the point.

moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: Unfortunately, no.

Blonde: Yes, they are. For more important information on "Mooge," you can go here.

Angry: Story of my life. Every day. Rinse, repeat. Welcome to fatherhood.

billymac said...

can you please review the best movie ever made "The Warriors"?

Becky..AMHW said...

I has kids. I'm not watching Nim's. My sons know it's a pussy movie.

Here's where I make the embarrassing admission that my boob look terribly similar to Arnie's after kids...including the grey hair.

Motherhood is awesome.

moooooog35 said...

Billymac: You just did. Thanks for saving me the legwork.

Becky: um...ew.

Malach the Merciless said...

Thanks, now I won't have to see this, as an aside, Lizards, they hiss.

HeyJoe said...

The boy and I are on our own this weekend, so we may take this in. Or maybe Zombie Strippers.

Blonde Goddess said...

I clicked on the link and Oh my god that's the funniest thing ever. Actually everything you write is hilarious!

Now that I've discovered your blog, my life is complete...

DiamondDigger said...

I'm tellin' ya Mooooog...some day soon instead of watchin' the Maltin Minute on PPV...we'll all be watchin' the Moooog Minute!

I can see it now. Join us for "Moooog's Fucking Minute"

Thanks for saving me and the hubby from seeing that movie. We'll just tell the boys it's a girl movie...they'll automatically hate it...lol

Tequila Mockingbird said...

so, does this mean that there's lots of nudity in it? hells yeah!

wolf said...

I must have been living under a rock for the year or so - I had no idea Jodi had come out of the closet. Now, thanks to Moog and Google (Moogle?) I am well-informed.

And I'm not watching Nim's. My son made me watch Ice Age 72 times.

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

The baby snaps made my day. Also appealing is the fact that your brother-in-law and his wife are enjoying parenting enough, to dedicate a blog to it. Thank you for sharing.

Titania Starlight said...

I love your movie reviews. I will have to checkout your other reviews.

I loved "300" too. Not just because of the sexy man meat fighting everywhere. Pant pant pant. I am a certified female pervert.

Smokin Aces kicked ass too. :o)~

Mike said...

I go to the movies by myself a lot and there is nothing more fun than "pulling off" that whole hole in the popcorn bucket thing on myself. I still giggle like a little girl every time I do that to myself.

I told my wife once that our kids would make better adults if we let them watch porno instead of those little kid movies when the were little. I mean seriously, when was the last time you saw a talking cat or dog or fish like you see in those little kid movies? I see things from porno movies all the time. Especially when my telescope is working and my neighbors leave their shades open.

Hungry Mother said...

I watched "Peter Pan" last night with my 3 year old granddaughter. This was the cartoon version. I noticed a new detail this time: one of the mermaids was without a shell bra. You gotta grab whatever you can out of these kids' films.

Malicious Intent said...

Children's Movies scare me.

Meghan said...

What was Cloverfield all about at the end? No, seriously....

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