..ssi-PPI!....(A Southern Violation by Colt-45, Part Two) | Mental Poo

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

..ssi-PPI!....(A Southern Violation by Colt-45, Part Two)


Maybe if I wear my bling-bling, they'll just go away... ...and leave Mr. Anus alone.

Let me 'splain...

Yesterday we discussed my thorough and utter knowledge of Mississippi...because of my upcoming business trip (click HERE to read "Part One").

This includes, and is completely limited to:

1) Everything you need to know can be learned from that jump rope song
2) Everyone is sweaty
3) They like big boats for some reason
4) I can't understand them...mainly because I'm not high on Crystal Meth and Moonshine


Anyway...

That’s pretty much the extent of my knowledge of Mississippi.

Until the other day.

While I was booking my trip, a coworker overheard me on the phone.

Mike: “Um…you’re going to Jackson, Mississippi?”

Me: “Yeah. Why?”

*silence*

He then appears at my cube.

This can't be good.

Mike: “Dude…Don’t leave the hotel.”

Don’t leave the hotel.

Awesome.

Me: “Why? What the Hell? Why can’t I leave the hotel?”


Mike: “When I went, our cab driver asked us what we were doing.

We told him:, “Ah…we’re going to sightsee for a few days.”


He told us:

“You don’t want to do that. Stay in your hotel room. NEVER LEAVE IT."”


*blink*

Me: "NEVER LEAVE IT?!"

Mike: "Right. Never leave it."

Me: *blink*


Mike: “As we were driving down the road, the whole city was just a total f*cking mess.

Sh*t everywhere.

There were people driving their bikes down the middle of the street…carrying 40-ounce Malt Liquor bottles in their free hand.”


How. Awesome.

I’ll fit right in…

You know…

I’m all about being gangsta.

Not.


Tale of the tape:

1) I’m 5’2” tall.
2) I weigh 150 pounds.
3) I’m cute and have little semi-hairless bum.
4) I’m manscaped and typically use my wife’s lavender body wash.

And, on top of all of this…

I'm white.

About the only gang I'd ever be able to remotely fit in with is this one:


Also, I have to arrive at the job site at 1 o’clock in the morning.

Alone.

Me: “Oh man. I’m SO getting ass-raped…

...and probably with a f*cking bottle of malt liquor.”


...or a jump rope.


Pray for me.

And pray for my lavender-scented manscaped sphincter, too.

Mississippi's gonna suck.

20 comments:

mauniejames3 said...

Oh my gosh...you have to be unobtrusive...ya know...look like everyone else...don't worry...your so short...they won't even see you!!! good luck

Blonde Goddess said...

Ass raped?

That explains your comment and let me tell you...one Bryan Adams song will not make you gay...

catscratch diva said...

Hmmm. I'm at a loss. I hope your trip doesn't end up resembling a scene from Deliverance.

C.Rag said...

Bring your own astro-glide or at least crisco.

Chickie said...

In case of ass rape - act crazy and start eating dirt. Sometimes crazy will drive 'em away.

Becky..AMHW said...

You won't be ass raped...they'll use YOU to do the ass raping.

I suggest vaseline.

moooooog35 said...

Maunie: Thanks for the tip. If I wear camo, I can pass as a leaf.

Blonde: Never dispel the power of a Bryan Adams love ballad. It's how I met my college lover, Bill. Wait..wait...TMI.

Catscratch: Me too. I'm bringing Burt Reynolds along, just in case.

C.Rag: always do...always do.

Chickie: Not to sound creepy...but it appears you speak from experience. Please elaborate. Illustrations will suffice.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Whatever you do don't squeal like a pig that just gets them all fired up :)

billymac said...

keep RC cola and moon-pies in your pocket... when they come for you drop them on the ground and run.

rs27 said...

If you want to fit in, talk really really slow. I'm talking bout one word per 10 seconds slow.

Mike said...

Squeal like a pig boy!

Jen said...

I just hope you take a laptop so you can continue your daily blogging.

I am still laughing about your lavender-scented manscaped sphincter....classic.

Take your banjo and they'll think you're one of them. Black out a couple of teeth and wear a floppy hat for more effect.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

ummmm don't bend down us Mississippian love short ones. .... OOOOO yeah we let you play our banjo's too.... Any who have a great trip to our small state, and please please most of all try on some southern grits,

moooooog35 said...

Confessions: Thanks. However, I've tried grits, and can get an equally similar experience by going down to the beach and jamming my mouth full of sand.

Actually...sand is tastier.

Plus, I get to see boobs at the beach.

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

LOL that is a southern thing, it mean try some "Girl's raised in the South"(Grits) Plus I'm not much on Grits either, I love some northern beans myself...

HeyJoe said...

Not that I wish for you a buggering, but it would make for a great Mississippi recap post.

Think of your readers Moog, you selfish bastard.

Malicious Intent said...

I am kinda speechless at this time. I am not sure if I should laugh at you or pitty your poor soon to be sore ass.

Pentad said...

My eyes are teared I'm laughing so hard. And, hey! Don't knock the Apple Dumpling Gang!

Malach the Merciless said...

Squeal like a piggy, SUE EEEEE!

Chickie said...

No experience. I just believe in being ready for any situation.

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