Mi-ssi....(A Southern Violation by Colt-45, Part one) | Mental Poo

Monday, April 28, 2008

Mi-ssi....(A Southern Violation by Colt-45, Part one)


Don't spute my word.


Let me explain...

In a couple of weeks, I’ll be heading to Mississippi for a 3-day business trip.

Needless to say, most of what I know about Mississippi, I learned from that friggin' jump-rope song:

Feel free to sing along:

- Mi - ssi - ssi - PPI! –

You need to do the big “PPI!” finish at the end.


I’m not sure about everyone else, but everytime I need to spell Mississippi (which is not often), I require the assistance of a jump rope to do it.

Which is awkward...

...as I’m currently writing this post while I’m working.

Oh LOOK! Here comes Human Resources!

Apparently, my coworkers don't like my HotPants outfit.


Anyway…

I also know the following tidbits about Mississippi from movies and songs:

1) If you live in Mississippi, you are a disgusting, sweaty person with pit stains.

Also, if you’re FAT and live in Mississippi, this means that you are currently walking around with boob and/or butt sweat as well.


Mmmmmm.


2) Mississippi has a queen (if you know what I mean)

How Mississippi was able to pull this off in a Democratic society is beyond me.



3) Apparently, you can only get around in giant, Titanic-sized paddle-boats.


I can't imagine how they park these f*cking things.

When I called Hertz, I asked for a compact...but I'm not sure that's going to work out.


4) People I've talked to from Mississippi sound like inbred hillbilly sheep-f*cking drunks.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm from the Northeast United States, where we are actually able to pronounce words with more than one syllable (granted, we have our own dialect...but at least I can understand myself.)

Maybe it's them.


It's probably them.

Here's how my last phone call with the folks in Mississippi went:


Me: "So, I'll be arriving on Monday afternoon, around 5 pm or so."

Billy-Bob: "Ayun. Wellum, I think that this there's dog ain't gonna hunt."

*silence*

Me: "I have no idea what you just said."

Billy-Bob: "She ain't gonna hunt! (like yelling this is helping me understand so much better) Pro'lem is just dat. If'n the bird's late, I spect this'll be all busted to Hell an' back."

*more silence*

Me: "Seriously. Is this English?"

Billy-Bob: "I F*CK SHEEP!"

No kidding.


Thanks, Billy-Bob...you've reminded me not to wear wool.

Not only may this protect me from a hillbilly ass-raping...

...but it will also cause pit stains.

And seriously...I don't WANT to fit in.

**************
Stay tuned for "Part Two"
**************

24 comments:

AngryMan said...

Make sure to wear a hat with a black guy kissing a white guy.

C.Rag said...

As a South Carolinian we say, "Thank God for Mississippi." Their state is worse than ours.

Mike said...

That ass sweat was fantastic.

Ever had a guy from texas ask you where your accent is?

He was confused that I was from Canada and didn't have an accent.

I told him I left it back at the igloo with my pet polar bear.

Douche.

Remember: Squeal like a pig!

mauniejames3 said...

so so funny...and you are still going? bet there will be a ton of not so friendly guys waiting for you...hahahahahaha

billymac said...

they have businesses in mississippi?

moooooog35 said...

Angry: Thanks for the tip. I'm also considering wearing my "Hunting is for Pussies" t-shirt.

Mike: I HAVE had southerners ask me where my accent is from. Problem is I can't understand them, so I just nod and say, "mmhmm."

Billymac: "Apparently so. But they all sell gator skins."

Hungry Mother said...

Mississippi is one of my favorite states. When I pay my bill at a diner, I beat the cashier to the punch by saying, "Y'all come back to seeus, y'heah." The frozen look of speechlessness is priceless.

~Brenda said...

Ding dang ya'll.

I've always wanted to say that. Thanks, Moog, for the opportunity! :)

wolf said...

Moog, you poor bastard. I'm looking forward to part 2, though preferably without any ass-sweat photos.

Prin said...

I heard them Mississippi boys are hot. Bring be back one?

Rikki said...

will someone please tell me how the jumprope song goes...? my ipod broke and haven't used my ropes in a while.

Rikki said...

oh crap i forgot to email follow up comments to myself so i need to post another comment.

catscratch diva said...

At least its not f*cking Alabama. I'll be spending Cinco de Mayo in BFA(BumF*ckAlabama).

That guy you were on the phone with scares me.

rs27 said...

Don't they still fly the rebel flag in Mississippi? I guess thats why I'm not invited.

Malicious Intent said...

I live in Delaware...or as we say Dela-where? If you live in PA or further north, we are the south. If you live in Maryland or further south we are the north. In reality, the mason dixon line ran through our state. So we are neither north or south, we are just fucking confused.

I we speak english.

Malicious Intent said...

I live in Delaware...or as we say Dela-where? If you live in PA or further north, we are the south. If you live in Maryland or further south we are the north. In reality, the mason dixon line ran through our state. So we are neither north or south, we are just fucking confused.

I we speak english.

HeyJoe said...

De is gonna LOOVE da midget in MisSIPPI

Hungry Mother said...

I don't want Joe Biden to plagiarize this comment. Delaware has all of 3 counties, has no taxes, and has a very boring seashore. I have some friends in Lewes that try to pretend they're from MD.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, I am going to see if I can get this posted in all 2 newspapers in Mississippi!

Miss J said...

Ah live in Florida. Thuh South ain't so bad, y'all. Some folks are smart, and some folks are stupid, just like anywhere else. The problem is down here we don't talk real fast, and to the impatient Northern ear, it's hard to tell the difference between an intelligent person pausing for effect and a human cabbage struggling to find words.

Greeneyezz said...

Too funny!

And soo damn true too!

~ZZ

Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

LMAO, Great to know how people really feel about Mississippi. I have to admit some of it is true. Not that we actually have the internet or a real phone,but we do have some sexy people here sooooo maybe getting ass raped will not be such a bad thing.. well from this here Mississippian we love ya!!!! :)

Rikki said...

[aw, what a sport]

Linda and her Surroundings said...

OMG - you are scaring me.

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