Don't spute my word.
Let me explain...
In a couple of weeks, I’ll be heading to Mississippi for a 3-day business trip.
Needless to say, most of what I know about Mississippi, I learned from that friggin' jump-rope song:
Feel free to sing along:
- Mi - ssi - ssi - PPI! –
You need to do the big “PPI!” finish at the end.
I’m not sure about everyone else, but everytime I need to spell Mississippi (which is not often), I require the assistance of a jump rope to do it.
Which is awkward...
...as I’m currently writing this post while I’m working.
Oh LOOK! Here comes Human Resources!
Apparently, my coworkers don't like my HotPants outfit.
I also know the following tidbits about Mississippi from movies and songs:
1) If you live in Mississippi, you are a disgusting, sweaty person with pit stains.
Also, if you’re FAT and live in Mississippi, this means that you are currently walking around with boob and/or butt sweat as well.
2) Mississippi has a queen (if you know what I mean)
How Mississippi was able to pull this off in a Democratic society is beyond me.
3) Apparently, you can only get around in giant, Titanic-sized paddle-boats.
I can't imagine how they park these f*cking things.
When I called Hertz, I asked for a compact...but I'm not sure that's going to work out.
4) People I've talked to from Mississippi sound like inbred hillbilly sheep-f*cking drunks.
Maybe it's me.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm from the Northeast United States, where we are actually able to pronounce words with more than one syllable (granted, we have our own dialect...but at least I can understand myself.)
Maybe it's them.
It's probably them.
Here's how my last phone call with the folks in Mississippi went:
Me: "So, I'll be arriving on Monday afternoon, around 5 pm or so."
Billy-Bob: "Ayun. Wellum, I think that this there's dog ain't gonna hunt."
Me: "I have no idea what you just said."
Billy-Bob: "She ain't gonna hunt! (like yelling this is helping me understand so much better) Pro'lem is just dat. If'n the bird's late, I spect this'll be all busted to Hell an' back."
Me: "Seriously. Is this English?"
Billy-Bob: "I F*CK SHEEP!"
Thanks, Billy-Bob...you've reminded me not to wear wool.
Not only may this protect me from a hillbilly ass-raping...
...but it will also cause pit stains.
And seriously...I don't WANT to fit in.
Stay tuned for "Part Two"