A Giant Wave of Vagina | Mental Poo

Thursday, June 05, 2008

A Giant Wave of Vagina

For those of you who haven't read the review yet of the "Sex and the City" movie over on:

Moog's Movie Reviews!

Here you go...

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It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!

Where I'd give a movie "Thumbs Up"...

...but I'd have to get them out of my ass first.

And no one wants that.

Today I’m reviewing:

Sex and the City: The Movie

Yeah. Right.

Listen folks….

…the only way I’d go see that f*cking movie is if one of the following things happened:

1) I spontaneously grew a uterus

2)
I started f*cking men for fun

3)
My wife made me go

4)
Sarah Jessica Parker winds up somehow dismembered in it by an evil John Malkovich


The only chance of any of the above happening was #3…

…but, luckily for me, my wife is one of three women in the 48 contiguous states that make up America who HASN’T watched that show.

However, I DID go to see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (review coming up).

Unfortunately, we saw “Sarah Marshall” on the very same weekend that “Sex and the City” opened.


I say “unfortunately,” because I happened to be heading back into the theater with a bag of popcorn when one of the “Sex” movies suddenly let out.

*rumble*

Me: “…what the…?”

*RUMBLE RUMBLE*

Me: “Oh. My. GOD!!!!

It was like a giant wave of vaginas suddenly poured out into the lobby of the theater.


Hundreds…NO…NO…THOUSANDS of estrogen-laden HBO-addicted MILF’s came funneling out of the movie…

…and the wave…

…five feet tall and a mile deep…

…was headed straight towards me.

Me (to the usher): “Tell my wife and kids that I love them!”

Usher: “..duhhhh…”

(I mean, come on…he takes tickets for a f*cking living)


And then…I saw him…

One sad, lost, lone man…

...in the middle of it all.

As the wave rushed past…our eyes met for the briefest of moments:

“Help me,” he mouthed to me, silently.

But I was alone and armed only with a six dollar bag of popcorn…

(seriously…six f*cking dollars for popcorn?!?!?)

….and could do nothing else except watch him get washed away amidst the chattering hoard.


I caught a quick glimpse, though, and realized…

…he was holding his girlfriend’s hand.

Stupid bastard.

He fell victim to #3.

Had he actually been f*cking men for fun (see #2, above), he might have been able to get away with going to a dance club or something instead of looking at Sarah Jessica Parker for two hours.

Ugh.

Seriously…they should employ that method with the prisoners at Guantanamo.

Soldier (holding up picture of SJP): “YOU LIKE THAT ACHMED?!? I’LL MAKE YOU F*CK THAT SH*T IF YOU DON’T TALK!!”

Terrorist: NOOO!! I’ll talk…I’ll talk!! We’re all hiding out in the basement of the Taco Bell in Afghanistan…on the corner of Osama and Fifth!! PLEASE…DON’T MAKE ME BANG THE DONKEY FACE!!.”

Nice.


Anyway…you want a review of this f*cking movie, go somewhere else.

I’ll be trying to wipe all this estrogen off of me from the tsunami I experienced.

Moog out.


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Want more reviews?

Come swing by and see me at my other blog, Moog's Movie Reviews!.

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23 comments:

AngryMan said...

You liked the movie, admit it.

Mike said...

I'm so, so sorry.

Also

That picture of Parker was photoshopped for sure. Seriously. She doesn't look that good.

Hungry Mother said...

So, you don't recommend it?

The Doggy Did It said...

So the five foot tall wave of estrogen was what...6-8 inches taller than you??


That would be scary.

Buzzardbilly said...

How did your wife drag you to this? Did you lose a bet with her?

Blonde Goddess said...

I'm still laughing at the picture with the little arrow that says Bob. I'm really going to have to try that photo shop stuff.
I know you have told me to do it before but I hesitate to listen to the Moog.
Your obsession with poop concerns me.

Perhaps it's time to let go of my inhibitions and listen to the Moog.

moooooog35 said...

Hungry/Buzzard: So...now I realize that no one reads my posts.

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

Jesus H. Christ.

It's like I type for nothing.

Other than the fame. But besides that, it's like I type for nothing.

Doggy: actually...it was more like eye-level. I tower a whole two inches over the five-foot mark.

wolf said...

My wife thinks the show is idiotic, so I get a pass on this one, too. I'll probably have to make up for it when they come out with Elizabeth III.

And six dollars for popcorn? What, you went to the discount movie theater? Here in Alaska, it's ten dollars a bag, and you have to leave your car keys as a deposit to ensure you bring back your unpopped kernels.

rs27 said...

I'm going to pretend you didn't go..

Baba Doodlius said...

All I can say about the "Sex and the City (Shitty?) Movie" is this:

Kim Cattral was *excellent* in "Big Trouble in Little China".

catscratch diva said...

I am the second woman who could give a shit less about that show, the movie or that ho dog.

HeyJoe said...

But does Charlotte get naked?

Oh, that's right. You didn't see it.

And I'm just guessing her name is Charlotte. I really don't know. Really. I don't. know.

Bob, I love you man.

Lakota said...

Dear Moogi, why is it whenever i read one of your posts i end up crying and howling and slapping my desk. {{So funny it hurts.}}}
Wow - who knew there were two other women besides me that have never seen that show.
usually though it's only women who gasp when i confess that most grievous of sins.

OHmommy said...

My husband is a ticket-taker.

PracticallyJoe said...

Just want you to know ... unlike others ... I do read what you write and understand you completely ... YOU NEVER DID SEE THE MOVIE! ... but ... did you really have to do the #2 thing (you know ... with other men) to get out of it???

moooooog35 said...

Wolf: Yeah..you pay ten bucks for popcorn, but you guys get to hang out with Sig Hansen and the guys from "Deadliest Catch," right? We don't get to do that.

rs27: no need to pretend. I DIDN'T go. Jesus H. Christ, already.

Baba: Kim Cattrall would be excellent on my Little China, too. I realize now that that made no sense.

Catscratch: Hooray for you!!

HeyJoe: You can pretend all you want. We know you heart Prada.

Lakota: I specifically design these posts to be desk-slapping funny. Sometimes, it doesn't work out that way.

OHMommy: Wow...reach for the stars, did he?

PracJoe: 'bout time someone read the whole damn thing. And Bubba told me to keep quiet about #2.

Shit. Too late.

Smileygirl said...

See? I'm not the only one who misread it the first time around. You got worked up over that - just a little bit.

angel said...

ooh you really are not a fan are you...
so does wanting to see it make me a milf too?

Miss J said...

I am probably one of less than a dozen heterosexual, non-Amish women in the United States who doesn't like "Sex In The City." Although, I admit I have watched it a few times. It's actually pretty clever if you mute the sound and read the subtitles, instead of watching and listening to that horsefaced bimbo squeaking unpleasantly through her gigantic lumpy nose.

mauniejames3 said...

I saw SITC...I loved SITC...are you afraid to go because even SJP is taller then you in heels? Don't worry shorty...we will buy you some Manalo's and you will at least be fashinable...it was a pretty good movie...and I'd still do Harrison Ford...I don't care how old he is...saw IJ too...

patrick said...

i noticed that Sex and the City has a polarizing effect on both men and women... people either love the movie or they hate it

Briana said...

Wait...you went to see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and you're ripping on people for seeing Sex in the City?

moooooog35 said...

Briana: Yes and Yes. Not sure if you realized this or not, but I have testicles.

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