The Voracious....MUFFIN TOP!! | Mental Poo

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Voracious....MUFFIN TOP!!

Man...I would SO beat the knees out of those contestants.

Let me explain...


That's right all you Schlitz drinking hillbillies with mullets and wives that look like fat male mechanics...


One of my favorite remakes of my misspent youth is back for yet another new season.

It's also one of the few shows that I can watch on TV with my kids these days...

...without having to try to explain sh*t like:

1) "Daddy...what's DVDA?"

2) "Daddy...are clams REALLY bearded?"

3) "Daddy...what's a 'money shot?'"

4) "Daddy...there's a man named "Chris Hansen" here to see you."

F*cking NBC.



There's a HUGE difference between the new American Gladiators and the AG that I grew up with:

1) The girl gladiators on the new show ARE HOT


Here's one of my favorite new gladiators, Crush:

Here's one of the gladiators from the early 90's:


Apparently, you needed to be a f*cking hermaphrodite to qualify as a Gladiator back then.

Penis + vagina = 1990's American Gladiator

...just in case you were keeping score at home.

2) Hulk Hogan's on this one.

Hulkamania!? Are you sh*tting me?!

When does he rip off his friggin' shirt and kick someone's ass?! Can this get any better announcer-wise?

Who'd we have before?

Joe Theismann and Larry Csonka?



These two were so painful to listen to, I considered flying to the studio to re-break Theismann's leg "Tonya Harding Style" and pin it on Csonka just to get them the f*ck off the show.

3) Gladiator Names

The Gladiator Names on the new one are SO much better.

Let's compare:

1990 Gladiator Names and their Sex:

1) Laser (guy)

Ooooh. It's a LASER! Yep...he's as tough and scary as a beam of light!!

I have a f*cking thing hanging off my keychain that has a laser on it.'re THAT scary.

2) Sunny (woman)

Nothing to strike fear into the heart of a competitor more than having to face someone named, "Sunny."

3) Nitro (asshole)

Nitro also came back as an announcer.

Just his mere presence on the screen made me want to throw a brick through the f*cking thing.

4) Zap (not sure of it's sex)

A chick who would resemble my balls if they were capable of lifting weights on their own.

That's the noise my finger makes when I touch a doorknob (or wear one of those electric dog collars).


Still wouldn't want to meet this thng in a dark alley though...God knows where it would violate me.

2008 Gladiator Names and their Sex:

1) Toa (guy)

Crazy jacked tattooed Samoan dude.

My wife thinks he's got the best body of all the Gladiators.

This made me consider getting another tattoo...but they I'm not gonna and you can't make me.

2) Crush (girl)

See above.

(Crush...Call me)

3) Wolf (guy)

Yet another crazy guy who slightly resembles what I think my ball-shavings would create if they landed on a glop of Play-Doh sitting on the floor.

4) Hellga (girl)

Hellga only bests the 1990's Zap in attractiveness if you find huge, overweight manly-sounding chicks in thigh-high stockings hot.

Me? Not so much.

I fear that, as a contestant, I would be required to actually scale Hellga instead of the climbing wall.

It's just as lumpy.

Which brings me to my next thought...

If Moog was an American Gladiator he would be introduced as:

1) MuffinTop!

(admittedly...I need to hit the gym more often)

2) E.D!!

(I tend to bow out of most competitions early)

3) MannnnnScape!

That's right, baby...

I'm Smooooooooth.

Quite unlike Wolf's face...Hellga's midsection...

...or Zap's asexual appendages.

Please don't hurt me, Gladiators.

Except you, Crush...

Have at it.


FreeOscar said...

Hellga will break you.

Malach the Merciless said...

Dude, nice Dusty Rhodes pic. And Crush is Gina Corano. She was on the Elite XC MMA CBS show a week afo, fighting and kicked some ass . . . you would love her more if you saw that . . .

Here you go

AngryMan said...

I heard that you and Helga were an item.

Narm said...

Wow that Zap picture is before Photoshop - which means that is the greatest tuck job of all time.

Anonymous said...

I would totally tie Toa up and spank him. Your wife obviously has excellent taste.

Blonde Goddess said...

You know Moog...I kind of resemble Hellga and I'm not sure how to take your remarks.

Now excuse me while I do something about those pesky cleat marks on my hips....

Rahul said...

E.D. is a great gladiator name.

I approve of this message

AngelConradie said...

i spose they had to have one chick built like a brick shithouse?
anyhoodle- i can't like gladiator...

Anonymous said...

Helga is hella scary dood.


Anonymous said...

That Chris Hansen t-shirt is hysterical! Wrong on many levels, but still hysterical.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

You watch that? You like spandex that much, eh?

We watch Ninja Warrior and Ultimate Banzuke around here. Subtitles are intellectual.

Anonymous said...

In Arabia we'd 'enter' gladiators under the name of Captain Camel toe.

Does that work of Muffin top?

Mike said...

For some reason, I thought you liked big giant chicks with mullets???

Me said...

Will you please watch the show The Bachelorette (on ABC) and give a critique??? Even if you can only stomach one episode I (and I'm certain your readers) would appreciate your comments.

It's on Monday nights.

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