Man...I would SO beat the knees out of those contestants.
Let me explain...
AMERICAN GLADIATORS IS BACK AGAIN!!
That's right all you Schlitz drinking hillbillies with mullets and wives that look like fat male mechanics...
One of my favorite remakes of my misspent youth is back for yet another new season.
It's also one of the few shows that I can watch on TV with my kids these days...
...without having to try to explain sh*t like:
1) "Daddy...what's DVDA?"
2) "Daddy...are clams REALLY bearded?"
3) "Daddy...what's a 'money shot?'"
4) "Daddy...there's a man named "Chris Hansen" here to see you."
HOW MANY TIMES MUST I RUN?!?!
There's a HUGE difference between the new American Gladiators and the AG that I grew up with:
1) The girl gladiators on the new show ARE HOT
Here's one of my favorite new gladiators, Crush:
Here's one of the gladiators from the early 90's:
Apparently, you needed to be a f*cking hermaphrodite to qualify as a Gladiator back then.
Penis + vagina = 1990's American Gladiator
...just in case you were keeping score at home.
2) Hulk Hogan's on this one.
Hulkamania!? Are you sh*tting me?!
When does he rip off his friggin' shirt and kick someone's ass?! Can this get any better announcer-wise?
Who'd we have before?
Joe Theismann and Larry Csonka?
These two were so painful to listen to, I considered flying to the studio to re-break Theismann's leg "Tonya Harding Style" and pin it on Csonka just to get them the f*ck off the show.
3) Gladiator Names
The Gladiator Names on the new one are SO much better.
1990 Gladiator Names and their Sex:
1) Laser (guy)
Ooooh. It's a LASER! Yep...he's as tough and scary as a beam of light!!
I have a f*cking thing hanging off my keychain that has a laser on it.
Yeah...you're THAT scary.
2) Sunny (woman)
Nothing to strike fear into the heart of a competitor more than having to face someone named, "Sunny."
3) Nitro (asshole)
Nitro also came back as an announcer.
Just his mere presence on the screen made me want to throw a brick through the f*cking thing.
4) Zap (not sure of it's sex)
A chick who would resemble my balls if they were capable of lifting weights on their own.
That's the noise my finger makes when I touch a doorknob (or wear one of those electric dog collars).
Still wouldn't want to meet this thng in a dark alley though...God knows where it would violate me.
2008 Gladiator Names and their Sex:
1) Toa (guy)
Crazy jacked tattooed Samoan dude.
My wife thinks he's got the best body of all the Gladiators.
This made me consider getting another tattoo...but they hurt...so I'm not gonna and you can't make me.
2) Crush (girl)
3) Wolf (guy)
Yet another crazy guy who slightly resembles what I think my ball-shavings would create if they landed on a glop of Play-Doh sitting on the floor.
4) Hellga (girl)
Hellga only bests the 1990's Zap in attractiveness if you find huge, overweight manly-sounding chicks in thigh-high stockings hot.
Me? Not so much.
I fear that, as a contestant, I would be required to actually scale Hellga instead of the climbing wall.
It's just as lumpy.
Which brings me to my next thought...
If Moog was an American Gladiator he would be introduced as:
(admittedly...I need to hit the gym more often)
(I tend to bow out of most competitions early)
That's right, baby...
Quite unlike Wolf's face...Hellga's midsection...
...or Zap's asexual appendages.
Please don't hurt me, Gladiators.
Except you, Crush...
Have at it.