Arses: The Other White Meat | Mental Poo

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Arses: The Other White Meat

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where, they say, "the pen is mightier than the sword."

Unless you're John Holmes...

...I'm pretty sure his sword could have killed small elephants.

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Today's letter comes from Kath.

Kath writes:

Dear Moog,

Here is a question that has been bothering me for ages.

Why do old ladies in shops always poke me in the arse with umbrellas?

Is it some sort of signal among themselves? How can I stop this disturbing event from happening?

Thanks in advance for the crappy advice!


P.S. I say arse cos I'm English. I can't help it.

Dear Kath,

Wow. You've brought me back.

The first time I ever saw the word, "arse" was in the words for the song "Balls to the Wall" by a band German metal band named "Accept."


If you want to get all German rocked out with their 3'6" tall lead singer, Udo Dirkschneider...

( about your catchy Rock-N-Roll names...LOOK OUT, ELVIS!!) HERE.

If you come back and you don't want tear a f*cking puppy apart with your toes, then you missed the point.

I believe, Kath, deep down in these puppy-mangling, German schnitzle-eating lyrics...

...lies your answer.

Let's take a look:

Come on man, lets stand up all over the world
Lets plug a bomb in everyone's arse
If they dont keep us alive - were gonna fight for the right

Pure. Poetry.

Udo wants to stand up...ALL OVER THE WORLD...

And - do what?

Hold hands for peace?

Sing "We are the World?"


Udo wants to plug a bomb in everyone's f*cking cornhole.


Why? Who cares. It's metal.

Just roll with it and blow up someone's hoop, would ya?

So, Kath - there's your answer.

These old women aren't sticking umbrellas in your arse to annoy you.

They are simply following Udo's divine will but - apparently - lack the appropriate access to high-powered explosives.

Humor them.

When they poke you, just stop and yell:


Then turn around, give a sly wink...the 'shocker' symbol...

...and show them your Udo Dirkschneider Fan Club Membership pin.

If you don't have one, let me know...and I'll ask Udo personally to get you one.

We're co-starring in the same midget porno next week:

"Balls to the Wall, 2"


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


FreeOscar said...

I take that as a sign they want to do me. I say I cost a lot can your pension plan cover me.

Anonymous said...

Great answer Moog..I think I'd grab the darn thing and shove them right back...sorry for the display of temper..having a shitty day.

AngryMan said...

In German class in high school we had to choose "German" names. Since I couldn't have Adolph, Eichmann, or Mengele, I chose Udo. Perhaps I was on to something back then.

Mike said...

Old ladies do that because they are dirty pigs.

See my upcoming post why don't you.

Narm said...

I'm pretty sure Udo doesn't need to plug a bomb in my turd cutter - every time I eat Chipotle I get the same effect.

Diva's Thoughts said...

Hahahaha! First time to your blog. Funny shit here! Love it! lol

Moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: I highly doubt they'd be able to afford preggo-sex...especially with the way the stock market's going these days.

Maunie: That works, too...but it would have made a short post.

Angry: Do you sing? There may be a future for you in midget rock.

Mike: Blatant plug alert! Actually..I also think the umbrellas are trying to be used as blatant plugs here.

Narm: Who's Chipotle, and why does he make you poo?

Diva: Welcome! Glad you enjoyed it. Send money.

Practically Joe said...

Hmmmm ... about that shocker symbol ... Udo's diciples have their own version ... It's basically the same except they tape little drink umbrellas to their pinkies.
Beware! Going in might feel good but coming back out ... I don't even want to think about it!

Raspootin said...

British little old ladies are the worst for unprovoked umbrella attacks.

I remember as a child politely standing in queue for the bus and having this one lady in particular who was always at my stop poke me from behind and work her way to the front.

It could be pouring out and she would still have her umbrella closed ready for the poke.

What are you going to do? Can't bitch slap an old lady?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh Moog. You rule!

And Raspootin... I totally agree, I feel your pain dude! I'm the only person under 70 who catches my first bus of the morning... *shudders* You can imagine.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha... Thanks for the laugh. This post is really funny.

Christina_the_wench said...

You're even weirder over here than at Slick's place.

I'm scared and yet excited all at the same time.

HeyJoe said...

Brilliant advice Moog. LOVED the shocker. Never heard of that. "Two in the pink; one in the stink, two in the goo, one in the poo." F*ucking hilarious.

My wife will either thank you or curse you. Time will tell.

Moooooog35 said...

PracJoe: Little drink umbrellas?! Udo is NOTHING if not a J├Ągermeister connoisseur (which, I believe, means "German dwarf")

Raspoot: Who says you can't slap old women? I do it all the time at the nursing home after hours.

Kath: You're welcome. Anything I can do to not help.

Chizmosa: What's that like a mimosa but with chiz?

Christina: It's like a little mini-earthquake going on inside now, isn't it?

Heyjoe: Your wife won't mind it. Don't ask me how I'll be mad.

Blonde Goddess said...

Don't even get me started about the old hags that abuse me on a regular basis...getting poked in the ass would be a pleasure compared to the bullsh*t they pull on me.

God it's good to be back! If I'd only had internet in Maine, then I could have gotten my daily fix of you Moog! Of course now that I've gotten caught up on my reading I feel rejuvenated...or re-juveniled...whatever..same difference for me.

Anonymous said...

I have never heard the word Arse used quite like this.

How do you find the sickest pictures on the net?

Moooooog35 said...

BG: Welcome back. I hope the moose were gentle.

Meleah: Which picture is sick?! I've got John Lennon, John Holmes, and a fat broad with dynamite in her hoop.

I'm guessing the last one.

Most of these, I make myself.

Then THEY'RE on the net.

So, I blame myself. Or you can.

Anonymous said...

The time to worry about an umbrella up your bung hole is when the old lady decides to open it up.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, that is perhaps the worst advice ever . . . you should be proud.

LBluca77 said...

Ok is that Katie Holmes in the first picture with Tom Cruise getting poked in the arse?

You know he likes it too.

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