Dear Moog: The Double-Decker | Mental Poo

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Dear Moog: The Double-Decker


It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

That's right...

SUCK IT, ABBY!!

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
***********************


Today, we have two (count 'em, TWO) letters!

The first letter is from "GJ" and he writes:

Dear Moog,

What is your policy on shitting at work?

-GJ


*****************

Dear GJ,

Apparently, you're new here.

If you'd been here all along, you'd know that I'm a staunch supporter of the working poo (WP).


I find no better pleasure than to come into work, and squashing out a Pepperidge Farm Holiday Log while simultaneously being paid for it.

For more information on my stance on the WP, you can check out PBS.org and search for "Moog Shit" or simply click on one of the following links:

1) Moog's Rules on Bathroom Cleanliness

2) BWB

3) EPOOBS

Huh. I guess "Mental Poo" was pretty fitting.
*************************

Letter #2 comes from Gooch:

Dear Moog,

How would you deal with being forced into public with your FIL's girlfriend who looks and acts like a troll? It's usually for a dinner out. Ever see a troll eat? It is NOT pleasant.

I try to be out of town when they show up. Or fake a brain tumor.

(Picture attached for visual reference. Consider yourself warned.)

Regards,
Gooch


*****************

Dear Gooch,

First off, what the F*ck is a gooch? Is it another name for taint?

"Man..I've been horseriding all day and my gooch is f*cking killing me!"

Nevermind. Not important.


I regretfully decline to answer this question as my Father-in-Law is married and - therefore - exposing the fact that he has a girlfriend may get me into trouble.

Um..

..oops.

But let me see if I can come up with something. Maybe if I take a look at the picture you attached, I can get my creative juices flowing.


AAARRRGHHHH!! MY EYES!!!

Holy shit. What the f*ck WAS that?

Listen honey, you've got worse things to worry about than dinner with this thing.

(what do you feed it...kibble?)

Obviously, your father-in-law is completely and utterly mentally incompetent.

As such, your best bet here is to frame your father-in-law for murder. Put this thing out of it's misery, and lay all the blame on your demented FIL.


He'll never be convicted and - worst case - is committed to an asylum where he may or may not be violated anally by male nurses while under the influence of mind-altering drugs.

Which is probably the same as what it's like banging this friggin' thing except - hey - free drugs!

Good luck.

*********************

There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.

24 comments:

C.Rag said...

I now know how to shit at work.

The Doggy Did It said...

Look, I was having a bad hair day...lay off me.


Jerks.

AngryMan said...

FYI, recommending murder IS NOT a good idea. You are officially an accomplice and can be held liable to the same extent as the murderer.

Narm said...

You weren't kidding about the shitty answers.

moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: You didn't know before?!

Doggy: It's better than what I have...which is typically a thinning hair day.

Angry: Hence the disclaimer. That covers me, right? RIGHT?!

Narm: You get what you pay for here. Free advice = bad advice. You want help, send something I can use...like, Rogaine or a step stool.

C.Rag said...

I would usually leave the kiddies on my boss' desk.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

Early in my Corporate America days, a friend of mine and I used to go to the eighth floor to poop. We went there because A) we worked on the second floor and didn't want to a coworker to know we farted (my how we've grown!) and B) only the executives worked on eight.

To this day, Jill and I refer to pooping as "Going to the Eighth Floor."

Raspootin said...

"I try to be out of town when they show up. Or fake a brain tumor."

Sounds like Gooch should take her own advice.

Knight said...

The gooch photo still has me laughing. That is so unfortunate.

Gooch said...

Moooooog.....yes, the FIL is whack-a-doodle-doo. Apparently, trolls find that quite appealing. That and corn on the cob.

Hiding from nut jobs and trolls is difficult. Even though their native habitat is over 500 miles away, they'll just show up. Unannounced. Sit in your driveway until they see signs of life OR they'll call 9-11 because, obviously, you must be dead inside the house just stinkin' up the place.

They won't call us, though. Too many buttons to push, I guess. Besides, having the police show up is just the coolest thing evah!

It's happened.

Then they wanted to go out for dinner. The troll ordered corn on the cob.

Narm said...

Ha - I was referring to your trilogy of posts about pooping - not to the quality of answers. It's like Lord of the Rings - only better.

rs27 said...

Now the questions have pictures attached?

you've hit the big time my friend.

moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: I do too. But he always knows it's me because I spell my name out with it.

Jeanette: You walked six floors to shit? Christ..I would have dropped one on of the landings on the way up.

Raspootin: Goochie is as Goochie does. I have no idea what that means.

Knight: I know. Poor, poor Gooch.

Gooch: Did she eat her corn the long way while looking lovingly at your FIL?

Narm: I believe in truth in advertising. And boobies. Truth and boobies.

rs27: I know. I need to start making billboards.

mauniejames3 said...

How dare you....that troll is my aunt...Elmira T. Troll...now her feelings are hurt and she won't tell you about her love affair with an ear of corn... better then the whimpy FIL

Evil Genius said...

I think you should fix up the troll with the gooch photo guy. I bet they'd really hit it off.

:-)

Mike said...

I feel cheated here. When you said double-decker, I thought you were talking about this.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Oh dear. Well, I was warned. I mean you did have that big disclaimer at the top of the post, lol.

Slick said...

LOL my wife found your stance on WP but I soothed her a little with my constant laughter.

Being paid to shit is totally awesome and I stand with you Moooog. No, I will not lay with you...but stand with you I can do.

I feel better....

LBluca77 said...

HAHA That is Hilarious. I also agree with the WP. There is nothing better. But I hate when I have to wait till the bathroom is all mine.

Malach the Merciless said...

So did Abby suck it?

moooooog35 said...

Maunie: I feel really, really bad for the corn.

Evil: I fear that Gooch Photo Guy is actually troll spawn. Actually, I don't fear it...kinda just a little queasy about it.

Mike: If you ever do that to me again, I may have to kill you myself. On a side note, those fries DO look good.

Drowsey: This is how I roll.

Slick: I'm also available for seminars.

Malach: A necrophiliac is never one to kiss and tell. You should know that.

Prin said...

I can't believe you posted your grade 9 school picture and tried to pass it off as "gooch".

The rest? Superstar advice as usual.

catscratch diva said...

Taint is just one of the nastiest words ever. EVER.

Jeannette E. Spaghetti said...

@moog Dude, haven't you heard of an elevator? Who the hell can run up six flights of stairs when they're sporting a turtle head?

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