The Apprehension of F.U.R | Mental Poo

Monday, July 07, 2008

The Apprehension of F.U.R


It’s like a pedophile nickname, only worse.

Let me explain.

My brother-in-law, Derek (who you may have read doing his first movie review of “The Happening” over on “Moog’s Movie Reviews”) and his wife, Tracy, have a son.

Calvin.

Calvin is awesome, and – thanks to the miracle of the ball-mutilating surgery known as "the vasectomy" – will be the only nephew I’ll ever have.


Tracy was kind enough to text me during Derek's procedure about how it was going.

To this day, I'm not sure why.

Incoming Message:

DEREK IS GETTING SNIPPED RIGHT NOW. NO HOT NURSE.


I was in a meeting at the time and started laughing.

Perfect.

My Boss: "Care to share, Rodney?"

Me: "Sure. I just got an update on my brother-in-law's vasectomy. Interested?"

Not so much.


Calvin has a few aunts and uncles.

BUT…

…he only has one with a name that would sound perfect as the subtitle of a Dateline NBC “To Catch a Predator” episode.

That would be me.

The name, you ask?

Fun Uncle Rodney.

Yep.

I’m “Fun Uncle Rodney.”

*****************************
Later that night, on a special, "To Catch a Predator":

Chris Hansen:


“He was known to the children as ‘Fun Uncle Rodney’…but as history tells us…he was anything but fun.”

*****************************


Everytime I hear it, pictures of John Wayne Gacy dressed up in the clown outfit while driving around in a blacked-out van with tinted windows goes through my head.

“RUN CHILDREN!!! IT’S FUN UNCLE RODNEY!!!”

Children scatter.

Catholic priests become curious.


The fact that Calvin also hates me doesn’t help this situation.

(Calvin is laughing and frolicking...giggling like crazy)

Me: “Hey, Calvin!! How you doing, buddy?”

(Calvin stops speaking/laughing…averts his stare…turns…and quickly runs away)

I'm. Awesome.

Tracy: “But, Calvin…it’s FUN UNCLE RODNEY!!

(queue Ice Cream Truck music)

Derek: “Come on Cal, come play with Fun Uncle Rodney!”

Calvin keeps running.

Me: “STOP IT, YOU’RE SCARING HIM!



I don’t blame, Calvin.

“Fun Uncle Rodney”
sounds creepy.

In fact, even “Uncle Rodney” sounds creepy when I think about it.

Uncle Rod?

Shit. That’s even f*cking worse.

Maybe Chris Hansen has some suggestions.

I’m on next week’s show…maybe I’ll ask him.

24 comments:

Mike said...

Just wait until you're asked to babysit.

Come over here and sit on uncle rods lap!

NO NO NO NO N O NO NO NO NO N O O NO NO NO NO! Mom! Why do you hate me!!!

AngryMan said...

They're booking you in advance now?

moooooog35 said...

Mike: My babysitting consists of a leash, a closet, some water and a bit of kibble. Then I go play XBox.

Angryman: Yep...they see me coming. And you can too for only 99 cents a minute!

The Doggy Did It said...

I would think that kids would love you, considering that they can look you in the eye while your standing up.


Weird.

C.Rag said...

So to marry into the family you have to get a vasectomy?

billymac said...

i gotta get me one of those FUR mobiles... that's even better than the pussy wagon.

Knight said...

That's a smart kid. You could try the honest route and go by Perverted Uncle Rodney. The kid might accept that.
All my baby cousins dislike me. It's like they can sense my hatred of children. I can smile and offer them candy but they cry and cry.

Slick said...

Unk?

Uncle R?

Shit Mooog, I give up. There's really no helping you.

The kid looks like a player already. He can come hang out with me....as long as he shares all the chicks he picks up.

Mimzie Beaumont said...

Calvin is TOO cute!!!

Narm said...

It would be worse if you weren't actually his uncle and they just used that name. Since you have actual uncle status I think it makes the name .05% less creepy.

Becky..AMHW said...

Clown costume? Scary. Ronald McDonald costume? Awesome and endearing to children everywhere.

I can make you one.

Then you won't be "Fun Uncle Rodney". You will be "Uncle McRodney".

Not as emasculating as a vasectomy by far and you'll want fries with that.

Raspootin said...

My godmother sent out one of those xmas letters detailing the past years events. She shared that her daughter Dana got the dog snipped and thought it was such a good idea that she went and had her husband Chad done.

I still wonder if it was her rye sense of humor or if she was making sure that everyone was reading her 4 page missive all the way through; so she just threw it out there to see.

Hungry Mother said...

Since parents gave up playpens, babysitting sucks.

moooooog35 said...

Doggy: I know...you'd think kids would love me. I'm guessing that these hand puppets wearing leather don't help.

C.Rag: No..you can marry into it no problem. It's just hanging around that requires you to mutilate your junk.

Billymac: You can have it. The license plate is wanted, anyway.

Knight: I'm guessing the fact that you laced their last Reese's cup with Rohipnol doesn't help.

Slick: I get dibs. Back off.

Mimzie: Thanks. I'd take the credit, but my brother-in-law would kick my ass.

Narm: I can't do that math. Damn you!

Becky: Great. Now I want Pedo-fries.

Raspootin: Gives new meaning to "hanging Chad."

rs27 said...

I want a fun rodney uncle. Wait that didn't sound right.

Damn.

Dr Zibbs said...

That of course is the clowns clown.

Malicious Intent said...

Maybe he is just confused because his uncle is the same height as he is while the rest of the adults are bigger. That would scare any kid.

Mike said...

Wow. Your windowless van looks just like mine. What brand of duct tape do you use?

Brother-in-law said...

We finally gave up trying. Now we just have pictures of Fun Unkie Rod's face glued to popsicle sticks lying around the house.

When Calvin is misbehaving, we threaten him with, "Calvin - Be good or Fun Uncle Rodney will come and get you!" (waving the face on a stick)

Our child is very well behaved.

Malach the Merciless said...

Macho Uncle Hot Rod

Rhea said...

smart kid. hehe

Just kidding! He's pretty cute.

Love all the visuals. :o)

Found you through all your comments at Mimzie's.

HeyJoe said...

"Uncle Rod."

hee hee

Prin said...

Hey, he's got to live with being called Calvin forever, right? He's already screwed.

Unky R?

moooooog35 said...

rs27: I know what you meant. I want you, too. Wait...now THAT didn't sound right.

Dr. Zibbs: I think YOU win the prize here for best potential pedophile name. Congrats!

MI: Scared or not..I think I can take him.

Mike: Duct tape is for pussies. Use staples.

Brother-in-Law: This explains his screaming when I tried to offer him a Mickey Mouse Pudding Pop.

Malach: If you're trying to profess your love for me, you're doing it strangely.

Rhea: Welcome! Come back! Don't run!

HeyJoe: Tell me about it.

Prin: Ixnay on the Calvinray. He'll go by "Cal" - which is, simply, WAY cool. Unlike my name, where I'd go by "Rod" - which is just creepy.

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