The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Hobos | Mental Poo

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Hobos


Like a bad case of genital warts...

I'M BAAAAAAACK.

Just, please - STOP putting ointment on me.

It's a f*cking analogy people.

Thanks in advance.


So, the wife and I returned from Seattle on Saturday night.

Honestly, I'm in no rush to go back anytime soon.

Why?

Seattle is full of the following things:

1) Hills
2) Asians
3) Homeless
4) Coffee that tastes like the expulsion from a colon cleansing

Interestingly, I saw NO Asian homeless people on hills drinking ass-coffee.

Peculiar.


Today, we'll talk about the hills.

I had NO idea that Seattle had hills.

Everything I heard about Seattle only mentioned the rain, Kurt Cobain or Frasier.

Not a blip about hills.

So, the wife and I walk down to Pike Place Market on our first night.

Wife: "Neat! They're throwing fish!"

Me: "How exciting! They're throwing fish!"

Wife: "Do you want to stand here and keep watching them throw fish?"

Me: "Apparently, it's all you do here. Let's go back to the hotel and talk about them throwing fish!"


So, we started walking back to the hotel to discuss our fish adventure.

(5 minutes later)

Me: "HOLY F*CKING SHIT!! WHAT'S UP WITH THESE F*CKING HILLS?!?"

Wife (who is in much better shape than me): "Yeah - they are pretty steep. If you swing your arms, you get a better workout."

Me: "I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET!! Wait...I SEE A BRIGHT LIGHT!! I BELIEVE I'M DYING!...Grandpa...?"

Wife: "Yeah...renting bikes with you will be fun."

At this point I would have said something back at her, but I was in the middle of a major coronary.


The hills in Seattle are f*cking INSANE.

When you're not being begged for money by Homeless Disabled Veterans (I think they have a contract with FedEx Kinko's to get these signs pre-printed), all you can hear are car tires chirping.

The reason for this is because - as I found out - cars tend to roll backwards when pointed directly at the goddamn sky.


As such, you need to maintain a 15 car-length space between you and the car in front of you at stoplights.

This sucks for drivers...

...but is good for the homeless people who need to cross the street.

Well...at least the non-disabled ones.

The others are just f*cked and have to sit there and risk rolling down the sidewalk and plopping into the harbor below.

On a side note, "The Rolling Homeless" would be a great name for a rock band.

Just saying.

19 comments:

C.Rag said...

Did you kick some homeless guys down the hills to see which one is the fastest?

Malicious Intent said...

And why did you go to Seattle for vacation? Isn't that somewhere you go when forced on a business trip?

If you are going to do the West Coast, why not California?

You could have partied it up with Paris, Lindsy or even better Pauly Shore.

Christina_the_wench said...

Good lord someone needs to take your Photoshop away and soon. Using it for evil is bad, bad, bad and it sometimes makes me piss my pants. I'm just saying...

Narm said...

Wow we have both made references to homeless rock bands in the last week. It seems there is a public outcry for bands that look like they slept in a garbage dump.

I'm going to call it Grunge.

Slick said...

Glad you survived "The Hills".

So, amidst all the fish, there wasn't no cleavage or nothing? Seattle must really suck.

Is your poncho drying out?

Practically Joe said...

During this series of vacation posts you keep mentioning "people throwing fish" ... anyone catching them?

catscratch said...

Me thinks next time Moooog should take his wife somewhere tropical and sexy...

I mean, I know it's a baseball thing, but really hiss and fish ain't my idea of a vacation.

catscratch said...

Oh, and the catoon at the top... just wrong, babe... Just wrong.

moooooog35 said...

C.Rag: DAMN! Hobo-Rolling could become a new Olympic sport.

MI: You know, if you spent less time rearranging my yard and more time paying attention, you'd know that the wife and I follow the Red Sox every so often. Seattle seemed a better destination than, say, Milwaukee.

Chris/Wench: Photoshop would be a step up for me. I use the magic of Microsoft Paint.

Narm: I'm your soulmate. Love me!

Slick: No rain...at all. Just f'ing COLD at night. I felt bad for the hobos. Actually, that's a lie.

PracJoe: You know the saying, "you're either fish thrower or a fish catcher." If you didn't know it before, you do now. I just made it up.

Catscratch: The wife and I don't like beaches. This limits our options to, say, Hedonism...but I don't think I've got the packaging to run with the big boys for that.

GO! Smell the flowers said...

That would make for a 2008 Bejine thing - the rolliest Hobo....

Aussie cynic named you in a 'what flower are you' post yesterday by thr way - you've made quite an impression...

LOL Moooog.

Seattle coffee anyone?

Anonymous said...

wherever your from....i am glad you went back. Flat land, white christians.....stay there.

moooooog35 said...

GO! - I agree. "The Rolliest Hobo" also sounds like a great idea for a game show.

Anonymous: How very brave of you. I'm glad I came back, too...however, JetBlue wanted to keep me in coffee-grunge-Hell by canceling our flight on Saturday.

Flat land, white Christians...ah.

Although, I AM partial to white land and flat Christians. Get it right next time.

Tell Jimmy the Hobo on 1st and Pine that I said "hi" and he's welcome for the Cheesecake Factory leftovers.

Raspootin said...

I wish you would come to New Orleans and give it a MOOOGY review!

Thanks for the laugh I needed one:)

The Diva's Thoughts said...

That's the honest to goodness truth!! The hills are killer!

mauniejames3 said...

what a surprise...the wife is in better shape then you...humm beating up on hobo's and Asians...sounds like a fun vacation...next time stay in N.H.
no really, those poor cold hobo's would so appreciate it

Malach the Merciless said...

THE HILLS WERE ALIVE WITH THE SOUNDS OF MOOOOOGIC!

Thank you, thank you, they tell me I am the second coming of George Carlin. Your too kind.

Evil Genius said...

The rolling homeless! OMG, I'm laughing my ass off over here.

Glad you're back!

Smileygirl said...

Yes those hills were intense! My knees still hurt. I wasn't too bothered by the homeless ppl even though they are EVERYWHERE but I lived in Chicago and they seemed to be more aggressive there. But I've only spent 4 days in Seattle so who knows, it could be worse. I LOVED the city though. So much to see and do and every neighborhood has it's own unique style and character. And it was mostly sunny! I hope I like living there year round though.

meleah rebeccah said...

That really would be a great name for a rock band.

And, San Fransisco has off the charts out of control Hills like that.


"Me: "I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET!! Wait...I SEE A BRIGHT LIGHT!! I BELIEVE I'M DYING!...Grandpa...?"


TOO FUNNY WAY TOO FUNNY.

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