anaL: gooM raeD | Mental Poo

Friday, August 01, 2008

anaL: gooM raeD

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where giving good advice is the last thing on my mind.


...if that was such a high priority, then where would I put Lindsay Lohan?!

Think, dammit. THINK!

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Today's letter comes from Lana:

Dear Moog,

Why do my fellow Canadians and I continue to deny Americans the truth?

That we do, in fact, ride dog sleds everyday, live in igloos, have pet beavers...ahem.... and that yes, YES! we DO know Dave from Toronto even though we live in Vancouver?

Why do we hide the truth from our neighbours in the south, eh?

Thank you,

Loquacious Lana


Someone from Canada!!!

Aloha, Lana!

First off, let me say:


(you have to speak slowly and loudly to these people)

Did you know Lana spelled backwards is "anal"?

Of course you did...the Eskimos have been teasing you about it all your life.

This explains your bitterness and the use of the word "loquacious" (which is Eskimo for "liking it in the out hole").

But I digress...

Actually...I've been to Canada a lot.

This is surprising, because I had my ass handed to me on one of my earliest trips...but I don't remember it because I blacked out.

However, come to think of it, I DO remember the guy calling me "Lana" a lot while he was pummeling me from behind.

Oh. Wait.

To answer your question: I have no idea.

You'd think they'd go to greater lengths to hide more important things, like:

1) Bryan Adams comes from Canada

2) So does Celine Dion

3) You call hats "tuques"

(pronounced "tooook", which sounds slightly like "Mooooog" so I put it low on the scale here)

Really. Hide THAT shit. How f*cking embarrassing.

The rest we really don't care about.

spleh ti epoh.


Hope it helps.

Moog out.


There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

And don't forget to check out my other articles at Scrivel.

Moog out.


Malach the Merciless said...


Practically Joe said...

However, come to think of it, I DO remember the guy calling me "Lana"
There once was a Mooooog they called Lana
No, I don't think he was from Montana
He took it from behind
And he thought it was fine
Til he found out it wasn't a banana

Unknown said...

Did you know that they get totally naked at the strip clubs in Canada?

Yeah, I found out the hard way.

Canadian people are weird...I know this because I grew up across the Lake, in Detroit (suburbs).

Forrest Proper said...

Canada has all our fresh water, we should invade.

They can keep the poutine, though. And the Molsons.

Anonymous said...

Ive never been to Canada, and now I never want to go there!

Forrest Proper said...

Canada also killed General Wolfe under the walls of Quebec. OK, that was back in 1763, but that doesn't mean we should just let bygones be bygones.

beaverboosh said...

Dude, what do you expect from a beaver loving nation?

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