Can You Hear Me Now, Asshole? | Mental Poo

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Can You Hear Me Now, Asshole?


The Caller ID said "cell phone."

9:30 p.m.:

The phone rings.

Wife: "Hello?"

*nothing*

Wife: "Heeellloooooooo?"
*cricket*

Me: "Nobody?"

Wife: "No. That's the third time today. It's been happening all week."

I hate when the madame of the local brothel just calls and hangs up.

Jesus, woman...you have my Visa number.

WHY MUST YOU STALK ME?!?

Um...

Maybe it's not her.


9:45 p.m.:

The phone rings again.

Caller ID: Cell Phone

Wife: "Hello?"

This time...there are people talking.

They're on speaker phone.

We sat there listening with our phone also on speaker...trying to figure out who this asshole was.

The call was all broken up. But we could tell it was a guy and some woman talking.

Me: "Is that Rob?"

Wife: "No."

True.

If it was Rob, we'd probably be listening to some weird threesome or orgy or some male experimentation with anal beads.

I was jealous of Rob...

...up until that last point.



We listened for five minutes, until I heard the guy say:

"..this one has all the same features..."

Sonofabitch.

PAYTON!!!

My daughter, Payton.

This was her fault.

I'm in the middle of switching jobs. My old job provided me my own cell phone.

My new job does not.

On Sunday, I took Payton to the Verizon store to get a new one.

(Verizon Store Motto: "Can you wait an hour? Good.")

About 45 minutes into our wait for the next available Sales Representative making minimum wage...

...I noticed that Payton was playing with the cell phones on display.

Deftly entering our phone number into their memories.

Sonofabitch.



This is going to go on 7 days a week until the store f*cking closes.

I need to call Verizon and have them wipe the numbers out of the phones.

But I might let them keep my in-laws' number in them...

...because Payton entered that one, too.

22 comments:

Maxie said...

hahahaha kudos to your daughter. priceless.

AngryMan said...

You know, I think it's legal to kill your kid in that situation.

coffeypot said...

Next time tell her to put in my number. It gets soooo lonely around here. I've had a great number of sick friends lately so I have used up all the kids in the neighborhood in making human sacrifices to make them feel better, and all the neighbors refuse to talk to me for some reason, so I could use the company. Oh, yeah. Give the number to the whorehouse madam, too.

The Doggy Did It said...

Heh heh heh...

I have verizon too, call me its free.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

How annoying for you but funny as all get out for me. lol

billymac said...

wow... that is a great idea for pissing people off! thanks mooog, this one is going into the memory banks...

Narm said...

You could always start screaming obscenities at the phone - I am guessing that would speed up the process of them erasing the numbers.

Jen said...

Hey, I like narm's idea!

That is pretty funny though. Thanks for the heads up...I won't be taking my son to the Verizon store anytime soon!

C.Rag said...

That's for the pony you never got her.

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG. Your daughter is hilarious.

Becky..AMHW said...

Better than having your number written above that convenient hole in the wall in the Barnes and Noble restroom...

rs27 said...

This is a great idea. I'm going to the closest cell phone store and programming all of my friends numbers.

Greatest prank ever.

moooooog35 said...

Maxie: thanks for supporting her early torture of her parents.

Angry: don't tempt me...you realize that you're representing me, right?

coffeypot: your number...whorehouse madame number...aren't they the same?

doggy: that's me ringing.

Diva: my pain is your pleasure. Ironically, this is also written about me in the men's room. The guys at work are jerks.

billy: no problem. Let me know how that telephone fraud suit works out for ya.

narm: um...start?

Jen: no problem. FYI, though..same thing can happen at AT&T...you just don't get the annoying commercials.

C.Rag: No...but my wife DID promise the kids hamsters for Christmas if they do good in school. Richard Gere, here I come!

Meleah: yeah..barrel of laughs, she is.

Becky: oh..so YOU'RE 'wishing this was me'...?

Mike said...

That is a great prank though. I am going to go to the Verizon store and enter in some phone numbers of "friends."

Be back later.

mauniejames3 said...

Payton is a riot...I have lots of things she can teach me to do...send her right over...

HeyJoe said...

So what's with the Sr citizen muff dive? Was that like a field trip for the old folk’s home?

Evil Genius said...

OMG! I'm on my way to the Verizon store right now to enter my ex husband's number in all the phones.

Genius! Pure genius!!! :-)

Malach the Merciless said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BEHOLD THE POWER MALACH HAS OVER CHILDREN!

LBluca77 said...

Please high five your daughter for me. And high five to you on the cool name you gave her.

Dark Angel said...

Just keep screaming - Liars, Liars, Verizon is Fake, Verizon is the Antichrist... then insert evil laughter...

Ruby said...

ha haha ha ha........I love payton, that's absolutely freakin brialliant!!!!

FawkesFire said...

omg...I love your daughter

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