Dear Moog: Rubbing You the Wrong Way | Mental Poo

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dear Moog: Rubbing You the Wrong Way

Before I start today, let me preface this by saying:

There's NOTHING funny about September 11th.

Nothing.

I'm here, though, to lighten your mood...so you get a "Dear Moog" letter today.

Just don't ever forget this date. Ever.

With that being said...

Here we go, onward:

****************************

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where the answers are about as useful as Bea Arthur's makeup.

So, yeah...

Not so much.

**********************
Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.
***********************

Today's letter comes from DogsWithCones.com:

Dear Moog,

I'm old. How can I avoid skin tears when pleasuring myself? I thought the hair on my palms would help, but it doesn't.

Love,
DogsWithCones.com


****************************
Dear DogsWithCones.com:

First off:

What. The. F*ck.

I have to commend you for coming up with a website that rivals the weirdness of one of my favorites:

fatchickinpartyhats.com

Dogs with Cones.

Here's what you see when you get to DogsWithCones.com:






The only thing that's weirder here...

...is that DogsWithCones also has a sister site:

AsianWomenHoldingThings.com


I'm not kidding.

This. Is. BRILLIANCE!

Here's some stuff from AsianWomenHoldingThings.com:


Oh.

They're holding vacuum cleaners and computers and shit.

Nevermind.

Not what I wanted to see.

Onto your question....

How can you avoid skin tears when pleasuring yourself?

Do what I do:

Don't pleasure yourself.

HA HA! JUST KIDDING!

If I didn't pleasure myself, I'd have 3 hours a day in which I'd have to find something else to do.

Like read...

...contribute to society...

...or play with my kids.

Who needs that shit?


Regardless...I'm assuming you're a man for two reasons:

1) You have hair on your palms
2) You have the ability to see the need for a website showing Asian women holding shit.

Given that, let me give you this advice:

1) Masturbate in the shower

Sure, you'll need to keep a plunger or bag of cotton swabs handy to continually clear out the drain...

...but the soap will lube you right up.


PLUS, the painful, horrible, burning and stinging you feel when you breach the surface will tell you exactly when to stop.

No pain?

Keep on a-whackin'!

Feel like you're dragging your penis across gravel?

Slow down dude, you're about to rip your dink off.


Just remember to wash your face FIRST.


2) Ease the f*ck up, man.

Dude...

...unless you look in the mirror and see G.I. Joe every morning, relax that f*cking Kung-Fu grip of yours.

It's masturbation...

...not a game of Tug-O-War.

Lighten up on your Mr. Wiggly. He'll thank you for it.

FYI - spitting is his way of saying "thanks."


3) Get an Asian chick to do it.

You have the site, bud...you're halfway there.

Good luck with that.

****************************
There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.


Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.

19 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

I see you are all about helping your fellow man.

Um, yeah.

Good job. Go wash your hands and keep them to yourself.

Narm said...

They make baby soap - why don't they also make soap that doesn't make your penis feel like it has rabies? I would think there would be a big market for a soap/lubricant hybrid.

I'd buy it.

Indrani Bhattacharya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris Wood said...

Your wisdom humbles me.

Indrani Bhattacharya said...

The owner of 'AsianWomenHoldingThings.com' has been binging on Asian women!! I just came back from visiting the site. There was even an entry titled 'Asian Women holding up gown' or something like that.

However, by 'Asian' he was referring only to Asian women from the Far East, East and SE Asian nations.

What beats me is that being Arab, Persian, Central Asian, Turk and Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi qualifies us as Asian, as much as being from the eastern parts of this continent, but we are not brought in when the term 'Asian' is used. Why so? Descriptions like 'Asian hair', 'Asian skin' etc. are used exclusively for only a section of Asians.

I guess the site is a compliment for Asian peoples anyway *shrugs*, But STILL, 'Asian Women holding up gown'??? Definitely, weird!!

Indrani Bhattacharya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
meleah rebeccah said...

Your advice = Classic.

AsianWomenHoldingThings = Funny and VERY Strange.

LBluca77 said...

Is there a whitewomanholdingthings website too? I should make one.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: Why wash them when I'll be at it again in an hour or so? Think, woman!

narm: There is a different reason why your penis feels like it has rabies. Go to a clinic, man.

Chris: I know, my son. I know. It humbles me too and I write this shit.

Indrani: Gotta tell ya...I thought India was in Africa up until you mentioned it (fun fact for the rest of us!! Who knew??)

Meleah: I'm pissed that I didn't think of it first.

Lbluca: Send us the link when you have it. Thanks in advance. In the meantime, I'm starting www.shortwhiteguysholdingthemselves.edu.

Enjoy.

rs27 said...

Now dogs are writing in?

this blog spans the universe.

AngieSS said...

I just wanted to take the time to say, thanks. It's rare when you find an individual so willing to give of himself so freely to those in need. Taking the time to help all of the lonely, downtrodden, misguided, hopeless, and some clearly deranged individuals, must be such a burden, but you handle it with the grace and patience of a saint. From now on, I shall refer to you as Saint Moog!

*Dude, you are hysterically funny--my sides hurt!

catscratch said...

You are a sick man.

HeyJoe said...

The whole "whacking in the shower" thing is over-rated. One, water does not a good lubricant make. Two, neither does soap. OW it STINGY.

Now public "transportation masturbation" is an idea I can get on top of, or behind or however it likes it. Plus, it rhymes.

Joe out

Mike said...

I was actually reading this post right up until I got to the part about Asian women holding things.

I spent a really long time on that site and now I am tired and out of Kleenex.

Wow.

Going to sleep now.

Thanks.

Titania Starlight said...

You are so twisted my friend. You are awesome!!!! Thanks for the laughs. We really needed some lightheartedness for such a tough day for many Americans.

P.S. I especially loved Rachel Ray with a cone. Get this..... ever imagine what it would be like if Rachael Ray and that annoying butthole that does those Kaboom commercials got together and had kids? Oh my God. I have had nightmares. You can use this for a future post. :o)~

Malach the Merciless said...

Nothing funny about 911? I want my money back.

kathcom said...

When I was living in off-campus housing with my boyfriend and other members of our theater club(insert derisive comment here),there was one guy who got really cheesed that other people were using his soap.

So my boyfriend and I are in the shower, conserving water and taking the opportunity to rub one out. His pleasure turns to pain, then to such pain we have to rinse off and jump out of the shower to inspect his peepee. On the bottom is a red hole in his foreskin.

The guy who didn't like to share his shower products had put a bar of lye soap in the shower. I don't think he realized the level of harm he would inflict.

My guy's wienie got a lot of special attention for a while, with massages of Vitamin E oil.But it wasn't very enjoyable for him.

Nobody in the house ever used that guy's stuff again.

I haven't thought about that in years. Thanks for the memories, Moog!

Stormy said...

Okay...all you boys are gonna thank me for this. Have none of you ever heard of waterproof lube? Works well, just sayin.

http://www.mybodyvibes.com/store/bv315.asp

~S

Sandra said...

I'm never sorry I "come" by...get it COME by???....ok ok, I'm not the funny one, I got that!
Always left laughing hysterically and hoping my mascara isn't smearing!

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