Kristin, You're Grossing me the F*ck Out. | Mental Poo

Monday, September 15, 2008

Kristin, You're Grossing me the F*ck Out.


Once again, my friend Kristin has bestowed upon me another guest post.

If you haven't read any of her stuff before, you can find some great tidbits at the following locations:

1: How to Scare a Celebrity

2: How Her Husband Got a Stinky Winky

3: Kristin Lets One Rip

That last one is her first guest post here.

It dealt with her going poo.

This one, alas, is no different.

I'm not quite sure what her f*cking problem is.

You've been warned.


Anyway - thanks, Kristin!!


*********************

So years ago I went to Newport, RI with my boyfriend's mother.

On our way home, I drank a big Dunkin Donuts coffee - which was not something I was used to having.

(editor's note: Dunkin Donuts is a phenomenal coffee/donut chain around the Northeast U.S....they actually have drinkable coffee...unlike f*cking Starbucks in Seattle...which tastes similar to drinking the results of an enema)

Shortly after finishing the coffee, I started getting REALLY BAD cramps.

I felt kind of stupid asking her to pull over somewhere so I could go, so I just suffered through it until she said that she had to get gas.

YES! Thank God! I CAN POO!

We pulled into a gas station and she got out - I, however, was in the middle of a major contraction so I could not. When it was over, though, I ran inside to the convenient store that was attached.

So I go to the last aisle and then see the sign for the bathroom.

Through my teary eyes I read the sign:

"Please ask for the key at the counter."

I was thinking: "HOLY SHIT...I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT."


So I go up to the front and wait in line at the counter. Of course, I was like the 4th f*cking person.

By the time I got up there I had sweat pouring down my face.

I quickly asked for the key and then went back to the bathroom.

As expected it was a totally disgusting public bathroom.

Diligently, I went to work.

I worked as fast as I could to cover up every friggin inch of that f*cking disgusting toilet with toilet paper because - for this puppy - I HAD to sit down.

(Editor's note: I love it when a woman endearingly calls her shit "puppy" - it's so cute)

Once I was done covering everything, I pulled my pants down as quickly as I could.

Unfortunately, this created a breeze that blew the toilet paper right off - leaving a bare toilet seat.

MOTHER. F*CKER.

There was no time to fix it.

Why?

Because it came out like a firehose - that's why.

I couldn't stop it even if I tried.

It was LOUD.

*KABAM!*

*KAPOW!*

It smelled terribly, horribly BAD.

*STINKY!*

I was actually embarrassed because I could see people walking by the bathroom through the grate on the bottom of the door.

The smell HAD to be drifting out there into the store.

When I was finally done, I wiped my ass and pulled up my pants.

I turned around and almost passed out.

SHIT. WAS. EVERYWHERE.

Shit ON the toilet?

Check.

Shit on the floor?

Check.

Shit on the f*cking wall?

Check.

(Editor's note: ON THE F*CKING WALL?!?!)


I got paper towels and started cleaning it up but I couldn't stop gagging...

...so I just washed my hands and got the hell out of there.

Now every time I complain about a disgusting public bathroom I think of how I contributed to that.

(Editor's note: My condolences to the family of Guapo the janitor who had to clean up after you).
******************

Um.

Hello?

Anybody left?

You know, I had some complaints that I hadn't talked about poo here in a while.

I think this just about covers this blog for - oh - about a f*cking year or so.

Ugh.

Oh, and sorry guys, Kristin's married.

I know how depressed this probably makes you.

Not nearly as depressed as Guapo the convenience store janitor, though.

Poor bastard.


********************
If you're interested in doing a guest post, shoot me an email here and let me know.

20 comments:

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Whilst in Gay Paree, I had the Hershey Squirshies. I found one of their wonderful cityscape restrooms.

A couple little coins in the jukebox and I was in.

Only to find a hole in the floor - just a hole, not even a sink!

I'm old. I have a bum knee. I can't squat.

So I leaned up against the wall and let it trickle down the lovely mosaic.

In Gay Paree there is no Guapo, they restrooms are self-cleaning.

You're welcome.

Narm said...

Wow. This is like the 1980 USA Hockey team - the miracle post that somehow came out of nowhere and completely out-grossed the dominant Moooooog. Congrats.

mauniejames3 said...

On a first date (you will see why there was not a second) I got the flu...really bad...I asked him to stop the car...it was snowing...badly...he didn't want to stop in his brand new caddy...I warned him...we could not get to a bathroom in time...I started to throw...and go...it smelled and was so bad...when he finally got me home I gave him some cleaning stuff and a couple of old towels and he asked...aren't you at least going to help me? as if...I just made it to the bathroom when it started again...poor Jim (I think that was his name)

Mike said...

I am truly amazed. I read this entire post while eating my breakfast and I didn't puke once.

Knight said...

That is hilarious. So to get it on the wall I have to assume she decided to squat anyway. How did she avoid getting it on her pants? Last week I got a text from my mom that said "I pooped myself." Which I found odd because we don't share that sort of info. The next day my boyfriend texted me "A patient just pissed all over me." Why do people tell me these things?

Arielle said...

Just FYI, we have Dunkin Donuts in the south too.

We're not that backwards down here, ya know. ;)

Mista Jaycee said...

Delightfully disgusting my dear!
Delightful!
Jaycee

Mike said...

At least her husband didn't have to clean this mess up.

Hey! Does she fart during sex?

Jen said...

This happened to me when I was at a restaurant about 10 years ago. I was hoping that none of my friends had to go to the bathroom before we left.
I felt better afterward though!

moooooog35 said...

Sixty: In Paris, isn't it Le Squirts de Hershey?

Narm: Yeah. She's good like that.

Maunie: Seriously. Why didn't you help me clean?

Mike: I didn't puke once, either!

I puked twice.

Knight: Call me later...I have a photo of my deuce I took today. You'll love it.

Arielle: I was more stating the problems with the western part of the country...where, apparently, they like their coffee to have testicles.

Jaycee: I shall pass along the kudos as soon as she gets out of the shitter.

Mike: I asked and I don't think so. However, her husband is a regular one-man band.

Jen: Send an email to Knight about the experience. She loves this shit.

LBluca77 said...

HAHA I love a good poo story.

Dunkin Donut's coffee is better than starbucks anyday.

Jim said...

LOL Moog and just so you know this post show 0 mental poops when they're 10....

Anyway...loved the motivational hot chick taking a dump poster...tempted to post it at GSTF under ' inspiration' maybe a bit of perspiration aswell....

Keep em coming...

Erm,well , you know.

GO! Smell the chick poops, I mean flowers.

c.watson said...

Ha I couldn't stop laughing. And I can totally relate to pulling your pants down and blowing the seat covering away, it's only when you're in a hurry. But sadly I've never decorated the walls of any public or private toilets, maybe I'm just not trying hard enough?

Kellie said...

OMG, crack me up! For some reason my sister and I were just talking about shits yesterday although we were talking about the other problem... When you just CAN'T go and you know you have to b/c it's been days since you last did and then after sitting on the pot for what feels like forever you look down and have 2 little bunny turds for all that hard work. That sucks too, although I don't think as badly as shitting on walls. Nasty. :)

Hungry Mother said...

I'm going to turn myself in to a rehab: I read the whole post.

Michael Knight Rambo said...

I worked at a gas station before for a couple years and this exact same thing happened twice.
I always wondered how the hell people could shit all over the walls.
The last time we tried saving the mess for the next shift to clean but my boss went in there and came out pale faced.
"One of youz better go in there and clean that shit up."
Thank god it wasn't me.
Don't even get me going about a friend of mine who found a log in a URINAL. What kind of special freak has the BALLS to do that? Think about it!

Malach the Merciless said...

She is almost as hot as Sarah Palin

meleah rebeccah said...

OMFG I think I like Kristin a much as I like your blog posts...and thats a lot.

solar panel said...

wow,this is really something to make me puke.haha

Gauche said...

I hate you for posting this, while at the same time I love you.

I'm confused.

but on the plus side, no explosive poo for me...YAY!

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