Narm, James Van Der Beek, and an Unhealthy Fear of Babies | Mental Poo

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Narm, James Van Der Beek, and an Unhealthy Fear of Babies


Huzzah!!

Narm on the casting couch!!

(it's a figure of speech, Narm...put your penis away...that point will come during contract negotiations)

FINALLY - someone has bucked up and answered my plea for a guest post.

(read: I'm old, lazy, and need people to write shit for me)


Alas, other people I've asked have not replied.

Yeah - I'm looking at YOU, Slick.

I've had a couple of other fantasmicsational (Trademark pending) guest posts in the past...

...and this one is no different.

Today's Guest Spot is from Narm over at "White Collar Redneck."

He's a funny bastard. Go give him some love.

Seriously, Narm...again..

It's a figure of speech.

PENIS AWAY.

Enjoy.


*************************

Forgive me if I have a little stage fright – following Kristin’s guest post from last week is like following Nancy Grace in a “Most Annoying Person In The Fucking Universe” Contest.

I mean Kristin had everything: assplosions, sound effects AND James Van Der Beek crying.

That's a combination that hasn’t been seen since that one time I stumbled onto the set of Dawson’s Creek after a night on the town with Jose Cuervo.

This doesn’t make me gay does it? I’m not sure James Van Der Beek really counts as a guy. I mean look at him – he is either a 13 year old girl or has the private parts of a Ken doll.

But I’m not here to talk about James Van Der Beek or weapons of ass destruction.

I’m here to talk about babies.

As a non-baby owner – I don’t get it.

Let’s think about where babies come from – you put your boy parts in some girl parts and all of a sudden she has something growing in her and it is a miracle?

This is confusing for a guy.

You mean to tell me if I put my Wilbur in you and something starts growing – it is ok?

I’ve seen those Valtrex commercials and those people look happy – but I’d rather not risk the consequences of giving a girl crotch acne.

So after you give away some baby batter the kid comes out and it is “the best thing that has ever happened”.

I’ve seen babies.

They don’t add a lot to the conversation.

I have never had a baby tell me a good joke. Ever.

Know what else they don’t do? Pick up the dinner bill. They just sit there with their tiny hands and demand attention. Having a baby is like saying, “I really want more Lindsay Lohan in my life”. See how dumb that sounds?

Not to mention all of the work - you have diapers and parent teacher conferences and soccer practice. Really – kids don’t offer much in the ways of entertainment until they become teenagers. Then they start hitting puberty, wearing make-up and becoming interested in boys.

Damnit!

I said this wasn’t going to be about James Van Der Beek.

******************

Awesome.

Thanks, Narm!!

Hope you all enjoyed it - and, like I said, go visit the man and spread the love.

Just make sure you bring your Valtrex.

Genital Herpes sucks.

Don't ask me how I know that.

*******************

Want to do a guest post for me?

Shoot me an email here and let me know
!

12 comments:

Mike said...

He forgot to mention the baby smells and the baby juices.

Gross.

Knight said...

Babies do add more poo to your life which is good if you need more of that.

LBluca77 said...

Crotch acne!?!? haha, good job Narm.

You know what else babies don't do, pick mama up some booze. it is not like they have anything else to do. They don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom.

Alexa said...

"the private parts of ken's doll" - awesome.

Christina_the_wench said...

Narm, you're wrong. Babies are fine. It's when they become teenagers that is the problem. Oh my god the problems....

surviving myself said...

Babies aren't good for anything. They can't even buy you beer.

catscratch said...

All babies do is shit and puke after they suck a bottle. Then they grow up to think they know every damn thing before they are even 16.

I have two kids, this is experience talking.

kathcom said...

Thank you for giving me one more crazy funny blog to read. Why can't I subscribe to White Collar Redneck? What a cruel dude.

DFTF said...

Baby batter!! LOL! I'm gonna use that on my husband. He'll die.

I taught my kids how to make coffee from a very young age, if my conscious can deal with it, I'm gonna teach 'em how to mix margaritas. See? They are good for something.

Colonel Colonel said...

Can my guest post include a recipe for Bar-b-Q'd Bush Ribs?

Malach the Merciless said...

Somone's biological clock is ticking

Narm said...

We've had entirely too many Richard Simmons and James Van Der Beek references lately. I hate to think what your search results are going to be this month.

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