Personalized Pain | Mental Poo

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Personalized Pain


Quick note before I start today:

Got a new movie review of the new movie, Igor, over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Carry On.

********************

Personalized Pain

I looked like a ‘Rodney.’

That was the explanation I received when, one day as a child, I asked my mother how they decided upon my name.

Mom: "Well...you looked like a ‘Rodney.’"

Oh.

Thanks for the scintillating f*cking explanation, mom.

Let me get this straight:

As a newborn, I looked like an elderly English butler?


As an infant, I resembled a large black man who could possibly play linebacker for a professional football team?




Mother of Christ…please don’t tell me I look like DANGERFIELD!!!


I’m going with ‘black linebacker.’

Granted...I may have whitened with age...but at least I FEEL tough.

My original thought on how they came up with my name was that they gazed upon me when I was born, and exclaimed:

"OH GOD...Look at his rod...it goes to his knee!"


Thank you.

I'm here all week.


Regardless, this same topic came back up a few weeks ago as my wife and I took the kids to Clark’s Trading Post in New Hampshire.

New Hampshire motto:
“Come visit for the foliage, but stay for the sweet sweet sheep fondling.”

Clark’s Trading Post
is a very popular tourist site in New Hampshire, which features:

1) A trained bear show
2) A train

Um...

New Hampshire tourist sites suck.

The train ride actually goes through the woods where “The Wolfman” supposedly lives.

“The Wolfman” consists of some guy who resembles one of the fifteen thousand homeless guys in Seattle (“hi, Dad!”).

(that's a VERY LOW estimate if you've ever been to Seattle)

Regardless...the Wolfman:






He’s dressed in bear skins (I guess we know what they do with the dead bears from the show now) and chases the train with guns, and bombs, and violent threats to the children.

Best. Job. Ever.

This is EXACTLY what I want to do in retirement.

Dressing like a hobo, driving a homemade jalopy through the woods…

…while yelling at children and shooting guns.

This is really no different than what I do today, except for the gun part.

I may have mental problems.

Police, take notice.


Back to the names.

So, we’re in one of the gift shops and my daughter, Payton, is once again rummaging through a rack of “Personalized Key Chains.”

She then thumbs through the rack of coffee mugs (because, you know, 7 year olds just LOOOOVE their java in the morning).

Of course, there is no ‘Payton’ embossed on anything, anywhere.

Payton: “Oh, maaaaaan….”

Me: “Don’t worry honey, I had the same problem. Look – there’s no ‘ Rodney’ anywhere either.”

(My GOD…..It’s almost like black linebackers don’t carry keys!!)


My wife, also digging through on the odd chance that there IS a Payton, pipes up.

Wife: “Well…they don’t have a ‘Payton.’ But they DO have this.”

She hands me a keychain.

Engraved on the keychain is the name:

“Lupe.”

Really?

Lupe?

(for those people who are Spanish-illiterate, Lupe is pronounced: "Ta-Co")

Lupe.

They have f*cking LUPE, but they don’t have a 'Rodney' or 'Payton'?!?

We’re in f*cking NEW HAMPSHIRE.

Seriously…how many people named ‘Lupe’ can be up here at Clark’s Trading Post getting chased by the Wolfman?!

One…maybe two TOPS every, what, ten f*cking years?


I don’t SEE anyone wearing a sombrero walking around here swatting at pinatas, so I’m assuming that there are no Lupe’s present today.

But there IS a Rodney.

Soon to be employed by Clark’s Trading Post.

YOU’D BETTER RUN, LUPE!! I’M A-COMIN’ AFTER YOU!! YOU AND YOUR PERSONALIZED COFFEE MUG!!


This job is gonna be sweet.

20 comments:

Mike said...

Jesus mary murphy titty fucking christ!

You found me daddy!

I'm on my way!

Narm said...

+3 for Rodney Dangerfield reference
-2 for thinking anyone can train a bear (aka - death machine)
+4 for bad penis joke
+10 for Carrot Top getting second billing
- 14 for showing a Dolphins player getting lit up.

You came out at +1 - but just bearly (get it?)

Midleah said...

I can't find the correct spelling of my name on mugs or keychains either. Maybe we ought to start a club or something.

Um, have you SEEN Carrot Top lately?
@!#?@!

LBluca77 said...

Oh my god the Rod and Knee joke was genius. I would for sure see you and carrot top do stand up, but only if there is also a buffet breakfast.

Becky..AMHW said...

My coffee mug just says "cranky bitch" on it.

c.watson said...

I leave my keys in the door, so i don't need a keychain. And i want to shoot at kids where do i sign up?

rs27 said...

I'm changing my name to Rodney, stat.

Just for the Dangerfield references.

Too soon?

moooooog35 said...

Mike: FYI - I sit next to Kristin now (yes...poopy Kristin) and she laughed at your comment. If you can stand girls who continually talk about their pooing, I think you're IN!

Narm: +1 is +1 baby. Listen...I live in New England and watched the Dolphins dismantle my Pats last week. Showing good ol' footage of a Dolphin getting plastered was the least I could do.

Midleah: Really? You can't find Midleah? I knew at least 30 of them growing up. I made that up. That's a weird name. This is coming from "Rodney," so you know it's true.

lbluca: If that's genius, you should hear my knock-knock jokes.

maybe you shouldn't.

Becky: Mine too! Stupid Christmas gift.

C.Watson: You're spooky.

rs27: yeah. Do that. Then see how many times you get asked if you "Get No Respect." That f*cking "Rappin' Rodney" album didn't help.

coffeypot said...

What’s in a name? This little Indian boy ask his father, the chief, how he comes up with the names he gives to his children. The chief say, “When I hear the babies first cry I look around and the first thing I see is what I name the baby. When your sister was born I saw a doe rushing through the trees, so I named her Running Deer, and when your brother was born I saw a turkey calling his mate, so I name him Turkey Calling. Do you understand now, my son?”

“Yes father!”

The chief looks down at his son and asks, “So, Two Dogs Fucking”, why do you ask?

Hungry Mother said...

My parents and many in their generation kept it simple: Jack, Bill, Bob, and Joan. One of my friends has the best name I've ever seen or heard of: Don Ems.

Slick said...

I was named after the archangel Michael....

Bet my parents would've changed my name to Lucifer if they knew how I was gonna act growing up.

How much are the tickets to the show?? lol

Douchegirl said...

Sorry to break it to ya, Rod-Knee, but Lupe is a girl's name.

AngryMan said...

You want me to call Immigration and Customs Enforcement for you?

Arielle said...

So weird, we were talking about how our parents named us in Bioethics (most awful class...ever) on Tuesday. It could be worse, one kid was named after a character on a Spanish soap opera, another was named one thing and the person who wrote the birth certificate spelled it wrong, and another's name came from Days of our Lives. Well, at least they have stories.

(I can never find my name on cups and keychains either, I just stopped looking.)

Malach the Merciless said...

DAMN YOU! TAKE THAT BACK ABOUT CLARK'S TRADING POST! IT WAS ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL GODDAMN YOU!

Jen said...

Can we start calling you "Rod the Bod"? ;)

meleah rebeccah said...

there are so many funny things written and so mnay funny photos in THIS post...I have tears of laughter running down my face

One of my favorites was
"New Hampshire motto: “Come visit for the foliage, but stay for the sweet sweet sheep fondling.”

LOL

Having been there, and since my RLBF lives there that KILLED me.

DVeau said...

I had to comment on the "sheep fondling"...

We went to the Deerfield fair this weekend and waded through 10,000 lbs of muck, wet hay, and horse shit for the sweet reward of eating fried dough while surrounded by wet rednecks and the smell of livestock feces wafting in the air.

In any case, my husband's friend Jim called my husband to ask him if he went to the fair. My husband said he did, and Jim replied "I bet you didn't get to see what I saw!"

He then proceeded to show my husband a photo he had taken on his cell camera.

Now, my husband had to stop at this point, and explain to me the method of encouraging a sheep to move along...they use a loop around the end of a stick that they put the sheep's head in. The idea is that the docile sheep is going to then walk as it is led.

However, this photo was of what Jim called "A Non-compliant sheep."

Evidentially, despite having the wire rope around it's head with someone pulling with all their might, the sheep decided to be stubborn and not move.

The owner's response at that point, can only be explained by a NH redneck taking the term "animal husbandry" a bit too far...

-While pulling with his right hand on the loop, he stuck his left hand IN THE SHEEP'S ASS to push the sheep along.

The sheep moved.

Quickly.

And Jim got the photo of a lifetime.

Baba Doodlius said...

I noticed that 3 of the 5 football playing Rodney's had a status of "CUT". Just an observation, I don't know what it has to do with anything.

Allanah said...

"Come visit for the foliage, but stay for the sweet sweet sheep fondling.” I think this is the motto for my whole country (New Zealand)

Argh I can never ever find my name or the correct spelling on personalised things either, granted my name is Allanah and thats not the most conventional spelling of the name, but jesus, it bugs me so bad.

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