Pee Pee Pants | Mental Poo

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Pee Pee Pants

Before I start today, got a movie review of "Baby Mama" over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Tina Fey...you haunt me.

Now...onward!

*************************
The following string of stories is brought to you by Spike.

Spike, if you recall, is one of my buddies from college.

Ah…college.

Where I did most of my heavy drinking and liver damage.

The problem with being drunk in college…is that…well…

THINGS happen to you.

Bad things.

Bad, bad things.

You may have already read about my potentially gay experience

…but WAIT!!...

…there’s more…

I used to stay up in my friend Spike’s room at college. Usually, this was on Thursday nights - a.k.a, college party night.

As Spike recently reminded me, a string of these Thursdays in a row were not so kind to me.

Keep in mind, that I pretty much have ABSOLUTELY NO recollection of these things…

...other than the fallout the next day.


Here we go….

Story #1: Pee Pee Pants


I actually had to ask Spike to recall this story to me…as I really don’t remember much of it.

So…assuming Spike’s identity…I’ve taken his account and switched it to my point of view…

Let’s begin…

Thursday night.

Party night.

One of these nights, I had been hitting on a girl that had drunk enough booze to sufficiently render Lindsay Lohan incapacitated.

That’s a LOT of booze.

When you’re 5’2” tall and among a sea of taller, better looking college guys…this is your motis operandi:

Go for the drunk chicks.


Unfortunately, I was drunk, too.

Really drunk.

3/4 of the way down the home stretch, in a dorm room full of people...

...the two of us passed out together on a bed.

*INDUCE BLACKOUT HERE*


I awoke a while later…to laughter.

“..wha..huh..?”

Everyone in the room was laughing.

Did someone tell a joke?

Did someone do something funny?

Actually, yeah...someone did do something funny.

The girl lying next to me had peed in her pants.

You see...in and of itself, this is funny.


I would have laughed, too.

But…

You see…I felt warm.

"Warm? Why am I…warm?"

…warm and…wet.

Wet?

WET?!?

Yep…I was wet.

If you recall, I was passed out RIGHT THE F*CK NEXT to her…

…thus, inheriting a majority of this pee onto and through my pants via the miracle of osmosis.

So…she peed on me.

OH. MY. GOD.

A GIRL HAS PEED ON ME.

WHAT. THE. F*CK?!?!?


I frantically attempt to wake this girl up.

Completely and utterly hammered, she wakes up.

We look like “The Incontinence Twins.”

(note to self: "The Incontinence Twins" would be a great name for a rock band)

With the prospect of having sex now in the back of my head (and getting clean pants on in the FRONT of my head), my chivalrous nature kicks in…

…I decide to call this girl a cab.

…and maybe put her in a f*cking diaper.

As we start walking down the hall…she announces to me that SHE HAS TO PEE.

REALLY?!? AGAIN?!?

YOU JUST WENT!!

Do you know how I know? Do ya?

Because I’m WEARING IT you stupid bitch.

F*CK!


Quickly, I rush her to the men’s bathroom on the second floor…deftly put her into a stall, and wait.

…and wait…

…and wait…

WTF?!?

I hear…NO PEE.

Nothing. Not a drop.

Me: “Um…hello?”

*cricket*

Me: “Hey….Are you done?”

*cricket*

This. Night. Sucks.

I pop open the stall door.

Sonofabitch.

She’s passed out on the shitter…pants around her ankles.

OH, COME ON!!!!


Now…I’m MAD.

I’m losing my buzz AND my pants are covered in urine AND I now have to deal with passed-out piss girl.

This isn’t going exactly as I had planned.

Fine. Let’s get her in that cab and get her the f*ck out of here.

I grab her and attempt to dress her (I’m sure at some point I took a peek…but I have no recollection here)

..as she stands…it happens…

…my socks feel warm.

"My SOCKS feel warm?!"

SONOFABITCH.

They’re warm because THEY’RE WET.

She pee’d on me again.

AGAIN.

She was sitting on that toilet for 10 f*cking minutes and she couldn’t go THEN?!?

MOTHERF*CKER!!!!


…what happened next?

Well, here’s Spike’s ACTUAL recollection (via email – THANKS, buddy!!) of what happened next:

“You fixed her pants, dragged her downstairs, and got her in a cab.

Joe (my other friend) and I, studying in my room, are alerted by someone else that you were on the front grass "freaking out".

We opened the window and looked out.

There you were, angrily pulling your socks off and hurling them into the grass as far as you could throw them.

We yelled to you to ask what was up, but your reply was mumbled grunts…and your facial expression was one that you didn't recognize any of us.

That was you on that night, my friend.”

Nice.

Worst. Party. Ever.

I was pee’d on twice in one night, by a girl too drunk to remember.

…and I lost a pair of perfectly good socks.

I miss college.

21 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Sooooooo you are NOT into golden showers? (As if I could ever figure out why folks are, but hey, to each their own.)

I am sure that girl really thought she as giving you the night of your life. Must have been somewhat good if you somewhat remember it while that intoxicated.

Really is a pleasant visual of you stomping around on the front lawn throwing your pee pee socks around. I would have paid to see that, at least five bucks.

Chris Wood said...

Yes, that is a wonderful image of you hurling your socks about.

Another beautiful, instructive tale (sniff!).

mauniejames3 said...

aaahhh the joys of college. I was a nerd...still am a nerd...but I loved the idea of you getting peed on...twice...ah good times.

Knight said...

Getting so trashed you piss on yourself multiple times? I have never been that far but it sounds like a good time for you. So since you were in college I'm sure you didn't think to wash those pants any time soon. You still wear them?

LBluca77 said...

Oh the good ol days. Thank god I never peed my pants, well that I know of.

GeologyJoe said...

Nice. was this at UNH?

Narm said...

Pee on me once - shame on you.

Pee on me twice - shame on me.

Hungry Mother said...

Passed out chicks are what shopping carts were made for:

"The Deltas are the kind of guys who bash beer cans against their foreheads, wheel their dates home in shopping carts and think they know the words to "Louie, Louie," which they will sing in off-key unison at less than the slightest provocation."

Lindsey said...

Wow. What a hideous story. On the plus side, now you get a hideous story to tell everyone!!

Christina_the_wench said...

If you had been wearing those sexy leather pants, none of this would have traumatized you. *snort*

Spike have any photos he can share?

rs27 said...

Wait, did you have sex with her or not?

I don't turn anything down.

Mike said...

I have a similar story involving other harder to get bodily fluids.

Oscar said...

CAme here through Mia Culpa - Pretty funny stuff. Butthen again to coin a phrase, $#it happens, or in this case Piss happens.

coffeypot said...

You could have taken you socks and shoved them in her pee hole to try and dam the flow, but she might have gotten toxic sock syndrome.

c.watson said...

My roomate pissed herself in college, and I had to take care of her. Totally sucked. But it is nice that almost ten years later if she ever gets all uppity I can quickly remind her of that story and she gets quiet.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmm, i think this is mostly unrelated, but i figured id share...

so one of my good friends.. we will call him frank, went home with some bar slut. which was all fine and good until she was riding him and when she came, she peed. he was all freaked out, shoved her off (still dripping urine), he grabs his clothes and is trying to put them on as he runs down her apt hallway. she comes out of her apt madder than a dog with tapeworms, naked and screaming at him that "IT WASNT THAT WEIRD"

oh man, classic story. share that one with the kids, yo'

blankforever said...

This is the. best. story. I have ever read. :D

C.Rag said...

I've pissed my pants when I've been really really drunk. Actually...I didn't piss my pants. I was standing over my boyfriend at the time.

Malach the Merciless said...

And I bet now, it turn you on it does

AngieSS said...

LMFAO -- I almost peed my pants -- almost! I've had a lot of nights in my life that I don't remember, but I know damn well I never peed on a guy -- twice!

Mooog, maybe that was karma calling for always going after the drunk chic? hehehe

catscratch said...

I know of only one time I was drunk enough to pee my pants, but that was purely by accident and there was no one else involved in the experience.

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