Date Night Rules #3 and #4: Going Full Circle | Mental Poo

Friday, October 17, 2008

Date Night Rules #3 and #4: Going Full Circle


The last installment of our Date Night Rules (see Rules #1 and #2 if you're just catching up) brings us to:

Rule #3: People suck

So, with the fighting and eating all behind us, we finally make it to the hockey game and have great seats to watch a pitifully bad team.

Ten minutes into the game, my right arm – wrapped around my wife’s shoulder – gets wet.

Awesome.

Apparently, it’s impossible for a man to carry two beers at the same time while simultaneously trying to get to his seat.

I know this, because my arm is now covered in half of his beer.

Thank you, you f*cking ignorant jackass.


I just can’t wait until you’re completely drunk to see what I wear next.

Will it be nachos? Pizza?

The suspense is killing me!!

It's like "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" but with drunk assholes playing instead of just regular assholes.


The guy next to me taps me on the shoulder:

Guy: “Hey…that’s what they make washing machines for, right?”

*blink*

Right, asshole.

The washing machine was invented for the sole purpose of washing beer out of my sleeve, splashed on there by some stupid douchebag who can’t figure out how to carry two plastic cups and walk simultaneously.

My reply: “Sure.”

Stupid f*ck.

I hate people.


Then, at about 20 minutes in, my wife says:

Wife: "Jesus…I feel like I’m sitting next to Payton while she's eating supper."

Me: "Huh? What?"

Wife:
"The guy next to you. Oh. My. God. You can’t hear him?"

Payton is my daughter.

She chews like a goddamn barn animal.

Drives. Me. Nuts.

Great. I get the analogy now.

Here I was….sitting in oblivious bliss watching a hockey game…

…but now…

NOW my ears are tuned into…

THIS:

*smack smack clop smop smack slurp smack*

OH. MY. GOD.

WTF is this guy eating?!?!?

*smaaaack smock smock smack clop*

Is it still alive? Is he trying to chew it to death?!

Does this man have cloven feet?


It honestly sounded like an octopus squirming across the floor…

Or Britney Spears exiting a vehicle...I haven't quite made up my mind yet.

*smack slop smooch*

Seriously.

Does he not have lips?!

Then I hear this:

*chirp*

Chirp?

Really? He f*cking CHIRPS?

It was that sound when you try to suck something out of your own teeth…that, chirpy sound.

Except he did it EVERY 5 F*CKING SECONDS.

Someone....kill me.


I spent the next two periods of hockey with my left index finger shoved deeply into my left ear.

I believe I caused damage.

I TRIED to cause damage.

At least I would have been able to put my left arm down…you don’t need to listen to a hockey game in “stereo.”

Rule #4: The Subway Still Sucks

My Bruins lost, of course…by a score of 6 to 3.

Because, sometimes, God just has to stick it to me all the way.

As we waited for the subway home, some mentally-ill-drunk-guy-with-a-cane started yelling at one of the other guys on the platform for no reason.


It actually appeared like there was going to be a fight, until some frat-boy started chanting:

“Let’s go, Red Sox!”

It was the middle of winter.


This got the mental guy all screwed up, and as the subway pulled away, we could still here the guy sitting there chanting, “Let’s go, Red Sox!” at the top of his lungs…

…to no one in particular.

Maybe I should have left him a bowel movement…

You know…so he had someone to talk to.

I'm thoughtful like that.

16 comments:

Mike said...

Dood

You should have convinced the beer guy that he was committing alcohol abuse.

Then he would have tried to suck the beer from your arm, probably on the jumbotron.

You could have sued in for sexual harassment and came out of that with TENS of dollars!

Malach the Merciless said...

Ok, totally off subject . .

When my wife was in labor with our second child . . Dirty Dancing Marathon was on, and she wanted to watch it . . .While in Labor . .. Best worst day ever.

Also . . wait, this would make a GREAT Dear Moog question.

GeologyJoe said...

Ah the Boston T. Good times.
Blue Line to Revere?

Christina_the_wench said...

You have to be homeless to pee in public? Since when? I have a home and yet I find time to urinate outside for the masses.

C.Rag said...

D. Kettle...
Right?
I'm right, right?

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Yes, the tens of dollars profit would have completely made up for the beaten I would have received from homophobes. Including myself.

Malach: The real question was...did you put the baby in a corner?

Geo: Actually Orange Line to Oak Grove. I live in New Hampshire...plus, I don't have enough hair gel to pull off living in Revere.

Christina: you don't HAVE to be homeless, but it helps with the cops if you're carrying a box labeled "home."

C.Rag: You're correct. Although, I have NOT A SINGLE clue what you're answering.

Hungry Mother said...

A quote from my write-up of the 2006 Peach Bowl game between Virginia Tech and Georgia:

"Sometime in that second half, a very drunk Georgia fan sitting a couple of rows behind me in our predominately Hokie section somehow was launched into the air and landed on my back. I was standing at the time and pitched forward onto the guy sitting in front of me. No one was hurt, the drunk didn't puke on anyone, and amazingly, he didn't get thrown out of the game."

fiona said...

Laughing so hard can't comment.

LBluca77 said...

I pee in public and I am not homeless.

AngieSS said...

People do suck -- a lot!

I guess you could be grateful that the homeless guy didn't pee on you -- the smell of beer and piss just don't go together.

Course you probably already know that(Pee Pee Pants)...hahaha

rs27 said...

If you don't get beer spilled on you at a hockey game then it doesn't count as a night out.

moooooog35 said...

Hungry: Honestly, if you go to an event at a place called "The Peach Bowl," you deserve what you get.

Fiona: ...but you could write THAT?

lbluca: I think we're figuring out, a little bit at a time, why you're still single.

Angie: gotta bring the pee story into it, eh? Thanks.

rs27: Good point. Cancelling my "Advanced Pornographic Crocheting Class" right now. No beer.

Malicious Intent said...

Hey! I loved dirty dancing. That is where I got all my cool dance moves. I still use them...yup...still do..just with a cane and bengay and lots of pain killers. I am a sexy dance machine...whoo hoooo!

meleah rebeccah said...

I am laughing SO HARD I have actual TEARS running down my face.


Oh My God.


This is one of my All Time Favorite posts written by you.

You are a comedic genius.

raino said...

couldn't you have gotten the game on the tube? ha ha

Slick said...

A hockey game??

You northern people kill me with that activity. Notice I didn't call it a sport? :)

So, besides the beer on your sleeve, how many did you have?

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