Well, we did it again.
(yes...I was wearing knickers)
This past weekend we made our way to Carver, Massachusetts for the annual “King Richard’s Faire.”
King Richard’s Faire slogan: “Where Losers Tend to Congregate.”
I just go to watch them.
Once again, the place was chock full of revelers dressing in the spirit of the times.
When I say "revelers" I mean "people with the same social acceptance level as a man in a pair of crocs."
I mean that in a bad way.
Dude...TAKE OFF THE F*CKING CROCS.
As our family is getting out of our car in the parking lot (sorry..."Ye Olde Horseless Carriage...OH F*CK THIS SHIT"), the next car over is dumping it’s contents of:
1) Four big fat chicks
2) Two big fat dudes
3) All fat people wearing thick-rimmed Drew Carey glasses (as was the custom in Ye Olde England before Thine Holy Disposable Contacts were invented)
4) All big fat people dressed head-to-toe in medieval garb
Some people who go to these and dress up like this aren’t fat.
They’re just regular losers instead of big fat ones.
Not that I have anything against fat people...I used to be one of them.
So I hold nothing against them.
But, even if I did, they probably couldn’t feel it.
Regardless…I was telling one of the dads in my son’s karate class that we were heading to the fair(e) a couple of days before.
Me: “We went last year and the kids liked it…so we’ll give it a shot again.”
Karate Dad: “I should go. You know, I had a medieval wedding, and I still have all my chain mail and armor.”
Me: “No kidding. I had no idea you were white trash.”
I may not have said that last thing.
But I thunk it.
Seriously…where do you store all this shit in your double-wide?
I would imagine it takes up a lot of room and probably displaces your collection of garden gnomes and porcelain fruit brick-a-brack.
But I've digressed.
At one of the shows, we found a seat that had a decent view for the kids.
Notice I say, "for the kids."
Because, unfortunately for me and my wife, our view was eclipsed by a “fair maiden” who was roughly the size of my backyard shed.
Wife (looking at the shed’s outfit): “Holy shit…that has to be made from at LEAST a queen size comforter.”
Seriously – for the amount of fabric that this woman was wearing, she probably could have sheltered at least three homeless guys.
Actually, she probably was. I DO think at one point I saw a small hand come out from under a fold of back fat and grab at my Cheetos.
Me: "GET BACK HOMELESS BACK-FOLD DWELLER!!"
"Shed" was with a horde of 6 other people…two of which were guys who, although were not fat, were still apparently socially ostracized (i.e., they work as computer programmers/developers and – therefore – are really, really good at “The SIMS”)
Unfortunately for us, the juggler on stage picked on one of her friends the whole time, resulting a hideous loud cackle of laughter from Shed's universe-devouring piehole every 12 seconds.
Jesus H. Christ.
It’s like sitting next to an annoying planet.
At this point in the show, I had moved in FRONT of it, with my kids beside me…while my wife remained next to it.
Me (turning to look at wife): “Hey…where did your Cheetos go?”
After the show, we were talking about Shed…and that f*cking laugh.
Wife: “At one point, she looked at me and apologized.”
Me: “Did it sound like this: ‘Unga Bin Jeesa, HAN SOLO’…?”
Me: “That was Jabba the Hutt.”
Wife: “Yeah…I know.”
She never thinks I’m funny.
So we strolled through the fair(e) and had the kids take pictures with some of the characters walking around.
Weird shit I don't understand.
Even a picture with King Richard himself.
Then, there was this one:
A f*cking Stormtrooper…
…at a Renaissance Fair(e)?!?
I guess that explains the presence of Jabba there as well.
Who knew Jabba liked Cheetos?