Ye Ole Fatty Boombalatties | Mental Poo

Monday, October 20, 2008

Ye Ole Fatty Boombalatties


Well, we did it again.

Renaissance-style.

(yes...I was wearing knickers)

This past weekend we made our way to Carver, Massachusetts for the annual “King Richard’s Faire.”

King Richard’s Faire slogan:
“Where Losers Tend to Congregate.”

I just go to watch them.

Once again, the place was chock full of revelers dressing in the spirit of the times.

When I say "revelers" I mean "people with the same social acceptance level as a man in a pair of crocs."

I mean that in a bad way.

Dude...TAKE OFF THE F*CKING CROCS.


As our family is getting out of our car in the parking lot (sorry..."Ye Olde Horseless Carriage...OH F*CK THIS SHIT"), the next car over is dumping it’s contents of:

1) Four big fat chicks

2) Two big fat dudes

3) All fat people wearing thick-rimmed Drew Carey glasses (as was the custom in Ye Olde England before Thine Holy Disposable Contacts were invented)

4) All big fat people dressed head-to-toe in medieval garb

Some people who go to these and dress up like this aren’t fat.

They’re just regular losers instead of big fat ones.

Not that I have anything against fat people...I used to be one of them.

So I hold nothing against them.

But, even if I did, they probably couldn’t feel it.


Regardless…I was telling one of the dads in my son’s karate class that we were heading to the fair(e) a couple of days before.

Me: “We went last year and the kids liked it…so we’ll give it a shot again.”

Karate Dad: “I should go. You know, I had a medieval wedding, and I still have all my chain mail and armor.”

Me: “No kidding. I had no idea you were white trash.”

I may not have said that last thing.

But I thunk it.

Loser.

Seriously…where do you store all this shit in your double-wide?

I would imagine it takes up a lot of room and probably displaces your collection of garden gnomes and porcelain fruit brick-a-brack.

But I've digressed.


At one of the shows, we found a seat that had a decent view for the kids.

Notice I say, "for the kids."

Because, unfortunately for me and my wife, our view was eclipsed by a “fair maiden” who was roughly the size of my backyard shed.


Wife (looking at the shed’s outfit): “Holy shit…that has to be made from at LEAST a queen size comforter.”

Seriously – for the amount of fabric that this woman was wearing, she probably could have sheltered at least three homeless guys.

Actually, she probably was. I DO think at one point I saw a small hand come out from under a fold of back fat and grab at my Cheetos.

Me: "GET BACK HOMELESS BACK-FOLD DWELLER!!"


"Shed" was with a horde of 6 other people…two of which were guys who, although were not fat, were still apparently socially ostracized (i.e., they work as computer programmers/developers and – therefore – are really, really good at “The SIMS”)

Unfortunately for us, the juggler on stage picked on one of her friends the whole time, resulting a hideous loud cackle of laughter from Shed's universe-devouring piehole every 12 seconds.

Shed: EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH!!!”

Jesus H. Christ.

It’s like sitting next to an annoying planet.

At this point in the show, I had moved in FRONT of it, with my kids beside me…while my wife remained next to it.

Me (turning to look at wife):
“Hey…where did your Cheetos go?”


After the show, we were talking about Shed…and that f*cking laugh.

Wife: “At one point, she looked at me and apologized.”

Me: “Did it sound like this: ‘Unga Bin Jeesa, HAN SOLO’…?”

*cricket*

Me: “That was Jabba the Hutt.”

Wife: “Yeah…I know.”

She never thinks I’m funny.


So we strolled through the fair(e) and had the kids take pictures with some of the characters walking around.

Knights.

*click*

Warriors.

*click*


Weird shit I don't understand.

*click*


Even a picture with King Richard himself.

*click*

Then, there was this one:


Um….

*click?*

Really?

A f*cking Stormtrooper…

…at a Renaissance Fair(e)?!?

Oh well.

I guess that explains the presence of Jabba there as well.

Who knew Jabba liked Cheetos?

17 comments:

Mike said...

Little skinny geeks love heavy chicks and their back fat for night warmth.

Hungry Mother said...

I'm glad I just looked at porn all day.

Narm said...

This is one of my favorite posts you have ever done. Think you outdid yourself with the homeless arm coming out of the fat lady.

LBluca77 said...

A medieval wedding?!?! Ya and I'M single.

Becky..AMHW said...

You just have to rub my flat chest right in my face, dontcha? I have no convenient places to store my extra turkey legs.

Well...my family took off to the local amusement park...which was insanely packed with people. It's never that packed with people this late in the season. I was not amused.

And I stepped in baby upchuck.

C.Rag said...

So was there a fat chick in a Princess Leia bikini?

fiona said...

The same crowd go to the "Scottish Games". Went once and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Jabba doing the Highland Fling...shudder. My kids have never been the same since!

Christina_the_wench said...

My respect for you just went down 50 levels. Not because of the fat hatin' but because you admitted to going to that fair online. Wow. Just, wow.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: You sound like you speaketh from experience..eth.

Hungry: Negative points to you for not sharing.

Narm: Thanks. I did it for you. Call me.

lbluca: Just think about the rattle from the bedroom because of his codpiece.

Did medieval fish wear codpieces? Is that how they got the name?

Becky: I will deny deny deny that I rubbed your flat chest in your face. Is it really that pliable?

C.Rag: Somewhere, in there, I'm sure there was something like that.

Fiona: I thought Scottish Games were like, "Beat the non-Catholic kid" and "Hide the beer from Sully."

Christina: You had respect for me at one point? Mom?

HeyJoe said...

Man, you attrack fat f*cks like a black hole attracts...everything I guess. You should see a doctor.

rs27 said...

Those warriors are about to behead your kids and you seem ok with that.

Dad of the year.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

LOL! Now you make me want to go to the renaissance festival here in MD. lol

Tiggy said...

That was fat-tastic! I must remember never to visit a Renaissance Fair again.

But you know, in the Renaissance most people were living on cabbages or had scurvy, so fat chicks were pretty thin on the ground.

meleah rebeccah said...

so your saying you really have a 'thing' (as in fetish) for the fatties.... dont you?

Malach the Merciless said...

I got a vid just for you an this tomorrow, did you go as the Black Plague Like I do?

King of New York Hacks said...

I went to one of those once and ordered a mull wine to dull my senses only to have the entire group of bartenders scream "Hosah for the paper tipper !!" as I left a buck for them and then had someone else order my many mull wine's to get through that day. Ouch.

Jen said...

Moooog: You went BACK to the Fair(e)???! Did you not learn from your last experience that you are going to turn into one of those geeklings??

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