The Flaming Grandpa | Mental Poo

Thursday, November 06, 2008

The Flaming Grandpa

So, last week was my 13-year wedding anniversary.

How did we spend our Saturday night?

At some romantic getaway?

A candlelight dinner?


Seeing as I'm not gay, we didn't go dancing.

We didn't do any of the other shit, either.

Because we had to go to a fucking birthday party.

My stepfather's 80th birthday party.

You read that right.


Apparently, my mom likes her junk uber-wrinkly.


Wife: "What do you get for an 80 year old?"

Me: "I don't know. A burial plot?"

I'm guessing, at 80, he already has one.

Regardless, I had ONE job to prepare for this party:

Wife: "Go get Frank a birthday card."

Me: "Okay."

Wife: "Don't get one that says he's close to death or anything."

Me: "Awwwww."

Sail...say goodbye to wind.

So I took my son to Target (pronounced "Tar-Jay" for those of you uncivilized folk), and returned with a card.

My wife looked at it when she got home.

Wife: "Um...could you find a gayer fucking card?"

I looked at it.


The card was flaming pink.


It was flaming pink on the top half, and hot lime green on the bottom.

Completely appropriate for an 80 year-old ex-military man.

Me: "Oh."

But then, I thought, it didn't matter.

Me: "So what. Frank's color blind. He'll have no idea what color it even is unless someone tells him."

My wife then dutifully added:

Wife: "Rod, it has a friggin' JEWEL ON THE FRONT OF THE CARD."

I looked again.

Indeed, the giant decorative cake drawn on the front of the card...

...right in the middle of the florescent pink section...

...had it's top adorned with...

...a big, flashy rhinestone.

Me: "Oh. Look at that."


That card is totally gay.

This is why guy's shouldn't buy ANYTHING if their wife asks them to.

I totally should have gone with the Reaper card.


Hungry Mother said...

The reaper isn't gay, but that card sure is.

Mike said...

At his age he should be friggin' happy just to be on this side of the dirt to be able to get the card no matter how gay the card is.

Narm said...

If he gets mad just wink and say, "Don't ask, don't tell, right Frank?" That should make him calm down.

You are totally going to get your ass kicked by an 80 yr old guy.

Diva's Thoughts said...


Yeah, you shoulda gone with the reaper card buddy. LOL

Anonymous said...

Happy 80th!

LBluca77 said...

You should have just bought a box of depends and been done with it.

Coffeypot said...

Maybe you can find a 'Get Out Of Hell Free' card. He'll get to use it soon.

Anonymous said...

ha! BTDT! many times...

great post! i love the color blind card and the rationale.

Moooooog35 said...

Hungry: The Reaper's not gay? Apparently, you didn't know his name was formerly, "The Reamer."

Thank you. I'm here all week.

Mike: Excellent point. Although, a sucky one - I live, like, a mile from a Target. That will suck.

Mike#2: Agreed. I gave him a Home Depot gift card in the hopes that the 'accidental dismemberment factor' proves worthwhile at the hearing of the will.

Narm: You sound familiar with this policy.

tee..diva..thoughts..jesus pick a longer f*cking name: I'll go with that for his 81st.

Meleah: What? No gift?!

Poetry: I don't know what we gave him. I lost interest after that.

lbluca: Where were you when I was dishing out 50 bucks at Home Depot!?

Giggle: Dudette. That's my mom you're referencing.

coffeypot: He's 80. I'd say that's Hell enough.

Moooooog35 said...

Petmono: I had to Google 'BTDT' to figure out what the f*ck you were talking about.

I had an initial thought it was something like 'dvda' but turned out to be 'been there done that.'

FYI - if you've 'btdt dvda,' send the video.

HeyJoe said...

Yesterday I bought a card at Target for my nephew entitled "How they celebrate birthdays on other planets." The aliens were all basically large asses. One "blew" out the candles and the others got fried by the blast.


Anonymous said...

Maybe a gay card is a good idea. If the guy's 80, perhaps he needs some new interests? I don't know if teabagging or golden showers have any rejuvenating properties. Maybe he should look into it.

Olly said...

I'm still cracking up at the burial plot gift.

Christina_the_wench said...

You let anyone on this site, don't you?

Anonymous said...

I just Googled 'dvda'; thanks for expanding my porn knowledge.

Anonymous said...

Just put a pair of your underwear or something inside the card and act like you're hitting on him?

Rahul said...

Maybe you should have went dancing..

Forrest Proper said...

Just give him the damned gay card, but when you hand it to him say, "sorry for the lame-ass card, but, you know, we didn't think you'd actually make it to 80."

fiona said...

Whoa up there all you youthful people.
80 is the new 40!
Do not be surprised when you give him the gay card if he says "after all this time, how did you know?"
Do have a back-up plan for rushing moms ass to the ER though!

Moooooog35 said...

HeyJoe: Did the card look like the two guys dancing up there?

Chris: Dude. Again. MY MOM!!

Olly: I used a coupon on it.

Christina: You're proving your own point.

Midleah: You're very welcome. Everyone should know this shit. Let me know when you Google 'shocker.'

Slick: I did that for his 79th.

rs27: I had no idea you were available or else we could have.

Colonel: I need this advice BEFORE the parties. BEFORE.

Fiona: 80 is the new 40? I'm 40. Does that mean I'm the new 80?

I'm confused.


Anonymous said...

I think lime green and hot pink cards should be mandatory for 80-year-old ex-military types.

Anonymous said...

Wow Mooooog, if you weren't married I would totally think you were totally gay! You pick a hot pink and lime green card, but you draw the line at dancing?!! hahaha

Yes, you should have totally went for the reaper card.

Are you sure you weren't just trying to teach your wife to never ask you to do something ever again? I mean, I think you are clever like that. :)

Anonymous said...

Your blog is hysterical! I don't know if you've ever seen Kevin James's stand-up about the way men choose cards vs. the way women do, but that's what you reminded me of. Anyway, great post!

Dr Zibbs said...

Haha - funny post.

Kathy said...

I'll never ask my husband to buy a card again. He bought a wedding card -- on the way to the wedding -- whose inner folded paper thingy was paste in the card UPSIDE DOWN. We had no way to fix that in the car so we didn't give the couple anything until afterwards. The argument about whether one should check the inside of a card before buying said card was long and painful. I lost the argument.

Miss P said...

I wanted to comment but when I found out what 'dvda' means, all other thought went out the window. Ah well...

Oh, and please tell me that the colour blind thing doesn't actually say anything? Cause I cant see it...

Related Posts with Thumbnails