Dear Moog: My Town is Shiny! | Mental Poo

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Dear Moog: My Town is Shiny!

It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...

Where people ask me stupid questions, in hopes of getting stupid answers.

Done and done.

Can I go home now?

I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.

You've been warned.

Today's letter comes from Malach over at "Dropping My Daily Stool Sample" (alas, there are no daily pictures of stop asking, Mom).

He writes:

Dear Moog,

Malach the Merciless here.


So on October 17th, 2008, I am walking my kids to school, and passing us the other way was a short chunky bald guy, looking like a young Danny Devito singing rather loudly, "I Kissed a Girl"...

(this version NOT this version)

...dancing in almost 1978 Micheal Jackson sort of way. Of course my 5 year old daughter loves that song, but that is a different story . .

Ok my question is, why were you walking down the North St in New Bedford MA at 7:30AM on October 17th singing that particular song? And shouldn't you have been heading to work?


Dear Malach,

First, thanks for the letter.

I appreciate you taking some time from your day where you are usually playing “Everquest” to actually attempt conversation with another human being.

We’re all happy for you, as it seems that the 12-step program may actually be working.

Now, onto your question.

First, you f*cking dicklick, I’m not chunky.

Sure, I may have some extra “baggage” that looks like “fat” and is “hanging over my pants”…but that does not make me “chunky.”

Speaking of chunky, I sure could go for one of those delicious candy bars.

Chocolate. Raisins. Nuts.


Secondly, I have never actually heard that song.

Nor do I know every single word to it, especially the parts about her "cherry Chap Stick" and how "she hopes her boyfriend doesn’t mind."

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Thirdly, I’m not even sure where New Bedford is.

Is it near Old Bedford?

Why did they feel the need to improve Bedford?

Did it smell?

When people rode Bedford down the street, did the wheels squeak and they figured it was just cheaper to get a New Bedford rather than fix up the old one?

What did they do with the Old Bedford? Did they drop it off in the back of a Salvation Army store in the middle of the night even though the sign EXPLICITY SAYS “NO DROPPING OFF OF OLD TOWNS AFTER HOURS.

Just curious.

So, no. That wasn’t me.

Wait – did you say October 17th?


It was me.

But I still take offense to the "chunky" remark.



There you go! Yet another exciting episode!

I have a "Dear Moog" link on the top right of my page, or you can email me here.

Want bad advice? Want sh*tty answers?

You've come to the right place.

Drop me a line.

Moog out.


Christina_the_wench said...

Isn't that chick's 15 minutes of whoredom over yet? God, I hate her songs. So stop singing them, dammit.

Hungry Mother said...

I'm glad you kept your focus after all of the excitement of yesterday.

Poetry Sue said...

Hey MOOOG I keep telling you to keep my picture off the blog... by the way I am not chunky, I am pleasantly plump...

LBluca77 said...

So like I said yesterday I was stealing your erection day joke. I told it to everyone and it killed every time. Huge laughs all around.

Thanks moog you are the best.

fiona said...

@ poetry sue - YOUR picture? That's my "plump" rear end if I'm not mistaken!

Mooog we need clarification here!

Narm said...

Are you, as a blogger, making fun of a guy for someone for being too involved with an online reality? Where does blogging fall on the hierarchy of online coolness?

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: You're right. Instead, I shall sing a plethora of Bobby McFadden tunes.

Hungry: Why...did something happen yesterday?

PoetrySue: Anything on "" is fair game.

lbluca: Like the rhyme says: 'When in doubt...go the Asian route.' (I just made that up). The only time to NOT go the Asian route is when the route is a highway...then the Asian route is just plain bad driving.

fiona: I smell an ass-off photo contest!

'Smell' might be the wrong term here.

Narm: When your online persona has an 'experience' level, then you've gone too far.

Unless you're in a swingers chat room. Then 'experience' is a plus.

Malach the Merciless said...


Hey did you hear? A black guy became president!

King of New York Hacks said...

Please , anything but McFadden tunes

Rahul said...

If I was ever in New Bedford I would commit homicide.

Just sayin'

DubLiMan said...


It's been a while, but I see that your still as loopy as ever.

I wanted to invite you over to my new project "SlogBite". God knows what you will do with that name.

It is a new concept in site directories. I would be honored if you would come by and take a look. It is still in the pre-launch stage; however, I am accepting participants. One of its unique qualities is the granularity of the categories, and the fact that you can join multiple categories; you are not limited to just one like all other directories. If you cannot find a category that fits your needs exactly, just let me know and I will tell you how it can be created.

Personally, I can think of two categories that you would fit in; “Humor” & “Advise”

Oh, and it’s fun.


DubLiMan said...

Oh....BTW, this is Mel from "Attitude, the Ultimate Power"

Anonymous said...

Awww Mooooog, did he hurt your feelers? You aren't "chunky" Sweetie -- you are "pleasingly plump". Totally different, I swear! :D

At least that is what I prefer to believe when I've been called that in the past. :(

Moooooog35 said...

Malach: He's Mulatto..not black. Like Mariah Carey but WAY less hotter.

King of New York: Don't worry. Be Happy.

* get THAT out of your f*cking head now.

rs27: You and 200 other people each year.*

* I made that statistic up.

Slogbite: Mel! Long time, no see! I shall check it out and summarily blow it off. Thanks!


Need proof? Then go to my other website:

Malicious Intent said...

That seemed more like defence rather than advice.

Anonymous said...

I am still laughing at the "wrong chunky".....

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