Happy Anniversary, Loser | Mental Poo

Monday, November 10, 2008

Happy Anniversary, Loser


So, you ask – how did the anniversary go?

Um…

Let’s have the readers take a quiz.

Rodney’s 13th Wedding Anniversary Included:

A) A massive fight
B) A massive fight that caused one person to call the other person “a loser”
C) Children crying hysterically because of said massive fight
D) All of the above

If you said “D,” then go f*ck yourself.

Seriously, I’m not in the mood to give out prizes.


Why the fight?

Because I got my wife something.

*********************
If you’re patient and continue to read this, you’ll find a portion of what she got at the end of the post.

(You can also skip ahead and just watch it - I don't deduct points for skimming)
*********************

But we fought because I gave her something.

You see, we had a deal.

The deal was that we wouldn’t get each other anything.

Nothing.

Nada.

Per the signed and notarized document, neither person in the legally binding marriage was allowed to get the other person anything other than a card for this anniversary.

I did not make good on this deal.


Honestly, I always thought that when a woman says, “don’t get me anything,” it actually means, “you’d better get me something or you’re dead.”

Not this time.

In all honesty, I didn’t GET her anything.

I MADE her something.

A video. I made her a video and put it on a DVD – complete with music, and credits, etc., etc.

The video was three parts – the first part (that you’ll see below) is a re-enactment of how we met.

The second part was a montage of pictures of the two of us set to music.

The third part was a music video of me singing karaoke to “Have I Told You Lately that I Love You,” while the my son and daughter were dressed up as rock stars (son on guitar, daughter on keyboard).

For those of you saying:

Ladies: "Oh my God. How hopelessly romantic! Why can't I have a man like that?"

Guys: "You f*cking loser. You're making us all look bad! Cut the shit!"

Know this:

This gift is from the same guy who once got his wife a coffee maker for her birthday.

I believe I also gave her the wonderful gift of dumbbells for another anniversary.

See. Most times I MISS.

Regardless...how was this labor of love received?

For your reference, see “A,” “B,” and “C” above.

You see, I broke the deal.

She didn’t get me anything and felt very badly about it – and the fact that I BROKE THE DEAL.

I knew she felt bad and angry about this - because now she felt guilty.

We made a pact – and I took that pact, chewed it up and pooped it out and then ate the poop and pooped it out again.

Jesus Christ.

That was f*cking disgusting.

Sorry about that.


Regardless, my bad...and lesson learned.

I Got it. “Nothing” means “nothing.” When we say we’re not getting each other anything, I will now completely refrain from getting or making you jack shit.

Jeez.

Eventually, she watched the whole DVD and I think she liked it.

For your review, here’s Part One of the video I made (“Rod and Jen – The Beginning”).

In order to keep my freakish good looks and my wife’s security a secret, it’s the only portion of the DVD that will be posted here...as the others have pictures/video of me and her and I like to remain mysteriously anonymous.

Enjoy. Here it is.


And guys, “nothing” means “nothing.” Except on Valentine’s Day and Birthdays.

I think.

I’m so screwed.

29 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

Awww Barbie porn on a Monday morning. Thank you. I needed that.

mauniejames3 said...

No doesn't always mean no...I always say no gifts and so does hubby...but he means it and I feel bad and get him something...could it be? Could we be married to the wrong people?
Nope I hate bathroom humor...

The happiest of days to you both...

Midleah said...

Awesome video...there's no way I could kick my husband's ass if I was laughing that hard...

Narm said...

I give the gift of nothing every time I take a girl into the bedroom, so I feel your pain.

HeyJoe said...

I seriously don't know what your wife sees in you. She COULD have chosen "broken feet guy," but NOOO, she picked the Mooger.

I want to see the kareoke.

Becky..AMHW said...

Where did you wife's nipples go?

Hungry Mother said...

I watched the entire 5:52 waiting for the money shot. Yo!

LBluca77 said...

Ugh women!!

meleah rebeccah said...

Ladies: "Oh my God. How hopelessly romantic! Why can't I have a man like that?"

Guys: "You f*cking loser. You're making us all look bad! Cut the shit!"


HA HA HA

I am totally saying what the Ladies would be saying, but then I decided that YOU are a DICK for making her feel bad!

ReRe said...

i laughed so hard i cried.Why? because i have told my hubby not to get me anything on birthdays and then have pouted when he did. Why can't you guys read our minds and know that nothing means nothing unless it measns something. or a little something, but not too much nothing?
gosh, it's that easy

moooooog35 said...

Christina: Yeah...I noticed the 'dress down' at the end AFTER I made the thing. So, PG-13 at best.

maunie: you hate bathroom humor? Why are you here? Did you lose a bet?

Midleah: Thanks!

Narm: Wow. So you've felt my pain once, 5 years ago?

HeyJoe: She picked me because I looked like some other kid she liked. Yep. Girlfriend by osmosis.

Becky: Same place my genitalia went.

Hungry: Um...you want to see me do what?

lbluca: Thanks for dedicating an entire 3 syllables to my comment section!

Meleah: I get that a lot.

Rere: Exactly. But only sometimes.

Smileygirl said...

OMG. BEST GIFT EVER!!!! Though I really doubt Jen showed her boobs to you the first day you met. That part seems suspect.

Ok, why aren't you writing tv comedy?? You really need to. Of course it would have to be night time cable, but seriously, that is your calling.

AngieSS said...

LMAO I loved that video!!!
I would have forgiven you fairly quickly after seeing that. Course now you will always have to get each other presents cause she will never believe you again...hahaha

BTW...wtf was your "Dempsey" character wearing?!!!

Mik said...

You just can't win I guess. I thought the video was a nice touch.

C.Rag said...

Anniversary=Anal Sex, right?

fiona said...

Love it!
100% sure Jen does too.
Happy Anniversary.

rs27 said...

Women have all these rules.

"nothing means something"
"No means No"
" Don't grab my ass"
" Put your pants back on"

Who knows whats the truth?

moooooog35 said...

Smiley: I'm not writing tv comedy because I'm not sure "Barbie Doll Re-Enactment" would survive a 13-show season.

Angiess: Um..helloooo? Patrick Dempsey was wearing his outfit from the movie "Enchanted."

Oh my god. I'm gay.

Mik: Funny you wrote 'you can't win' and your name is Mik. It's like Rocky!

C.Rag: Yes. The dog was not pleased.

Fiona: Thanks and thanks!

rs27: I'm with you, my friend. Add "don't must you grab my friends boobs in front of me again" to this list of crazy women rules.

Mike said...

mooog

Your creativity made me go from 6 to 12

in a metaphorical sense

That

was

Awesome!

Malach the Merciless said...

My stupid wife pulls the same shit all the time

c.watson said...

I think I'm gonna cry. That was freakin awesome.

But as a girl when I make a deal for no gifts I expect it to be honored.

Meghan said...

No way she could have stayed mad. Barbies solve all fights and problems...right? right?

Kellie said...

We always say no gifts and then I get something for him and make him feel bad. It makes for bigger gifts for me for the next time when we allow gifts. :) Ahhh trickery.

Lara said...

You've been nominated for the Butterfly Award :)
http://dotsnscribbles.com/

Knight said...

I'm not sure why you would fight over that. She could have repaid you sex, right?
Wait, she gave you her number after the topless scene?

weirdtales said...

NO means NO!
..after 30 some years, we're down to just cards..
..nips,gone..
..genetalia/schwanson gone..
never give 'em somethin' they can use in the kitchen, or the laundry room.
..yer Great poo..loved the Barbies!

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Um..are you talking inches? I'm AWESOME and much like Viagra!

Malach: I'll be sure to pass that along.

Awesome comment.

C.Watson: See? SEE?!? It was awesome. But NO..NO GIFTS I SAID!! But I want to cry because it was so nice..BUT NO GIFTS!!

wtf.

Meghan: In my world, Barbies do a lot more than solve problems.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Kellie: Further proof that women are evil incarnate.

Lara: Thanks! I'm a beautiful butterfly!

Knight: Of course she gave me her number. You should see me...I'm really quite striking.

Weirdtales: Thanks for the tip. Could have used those YEARS ago.

Gauche said...

I think I giggled hard enough to rupture my spleen. teeheeheeheehee. that was so cute. seriously. that was cute. I loved it. how adorable.

Eva Gallant said...

That was such a sweet thing to do. I'm so sorry that you ended up divorced.

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