Trippin' Through Halloween with a F*cking Pencil | Mental Poo

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Trippin' Through Halloween with a F*cking Pencil

Before I start today, a review of Madagascar 2 over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

Carry on.

*********************
Today, you get my Halloween post.

Yeah - it's two weeks late.

And, just like Jimmy who 'cracks corn':

I don't care.

As an additional Public Service Announcement, let me say:

Kids, don't crack corn. It could save your life.

Now - here are some pictures of my kids as we went out on Halloween:


My daughter as the Devil and my son, an Alien.

My son's mask had these big, googly eyes that he could barely see out of.

I put the mask on for shits and giggles, and everything was yellow and blurry.

Kind of like the time in high school when I woke up from a Quaalude experience in a giant tub of mayo.

Perhaps I've said too much.


Me: "Cam, you're sure you can see out of this mask?"

Cam: "Yep. I can see no problem!"

We headed out...secure in the fact that my son could see fine.

* ten minutes later *

Me: "Cam..watch out for that ditch!"

*THUMP!

Me: "Cam...curb!"

*BA-DUM!

Me: "Cam..TREE!"

Listen, when you have to warn your kid that there's a THREE FOOT DIAMETER F*CKING TREE that he's about to walk into, it's time to take off the f*cking mask.

So, the rest of the night, my son went Trick-or-Treating as "boy in robe."

Oooooh...it's a boy...in a robe!! Run away!!

I wasn't allowed to make fun of him.


Then we got the worst treat ever.

At the second-to-last house we went to, we were greeted by 'elderly freaky lady.'

Elderly freaky lady promptly dropped into my kids' bags:

A pencil.

Really?

A f*cking pencil?

You couldn't buy a f*cking Milky Way for my kid?


Listen lady, I have a goddamn drawer full of pencils and pens and glue and all kinds of bullshit at my house already...

...what I DON'T have is a drawer full of f*cking Milky Ways.

Douchebag.

F*cking pencil.

My kids get all dressed up, my son damn near gets three concussions trying to see out of this f*cking Vaseline covered googly mask...

...and you give them a f*cking PENCIL?!?

Tell you what...

Maybe I should go home, sharpen it, and come back and stick it in your eye you cheap bitch.

But I'll wear my son's mask so she doesn't recognize me.

Now...where was that tree?

13 comments:

Mike said...

What you didn't do is go to the old man's house who's giving out elastic bands.

Then you combine the two to make a weapon.

Sigh. You're ten years older than me. You should know this.

Then again, you're ten years older than me. You probably have forgotten ;)

mauniejames3 said...

Apparently no one told you how kids have tummys that rot out from too much candy...I am that cranky lady (which I'm not) and I give things that are good for them..(the trail mix one year and the raisons another) because I use to be a teacher I think you should write ten thousand times...I won't be rude to my elders. By the way...the kids are beautiful

ReRe said...

i was going to give out stickers and pencils, until my 17 year-old brother said "So you are going to be the house that sucks ass and gets egged."
I bought chocolate instead.

Poetry Sue said...

LOL I usually give out candy and playdough... I figure they can eat both... either way they're getting a belly ache

LBluca77 said...

I would have stabbed the bitch too.

I remember one year getting a highlighter. A neon yellow highlighter. What the fuck!?!? Never went back to that house again.

Narm said...

I'm confused as to where the Vaseline entered this story...

fiona said...

I bought a weeks wages worth of candy and only had a baby ladybug, a lame robin hood (the guy was on a walking frame for feck sake) and a couple teenagers wearing way too much make-up...they were pretty scary.
Plethora of candy here, I'll swap you some for the pencil.
I love a good pencil!

AngieSS said...

LMFAO You handled the whole pencil thing really well...heh

Yah, I think that may be even worse than a toothbrush or an apple. I mean, wtf?!! Are these people serious with this shit?

Oh, helpful tip that we did with our son's mask -- we cut holes where the eyes were. Now I know these costumes can be super thick, but you should be able to do it with a normal pair of scissors. You know -- just tryin' to help you in the future so's the kid doesn't have to be the boy in the robe. Eventually, that could lead to a serious pummeling! :)

moooooog35 said...

Mike: I did go to a house giving out elastic bands. Wait..wait..nevermind. Those were rubbers. And it wasn't Halloween. And it was a prostitute.

Nevermind.

Maunie: Thanks. Gee. Trail mix and raisins. Thanks for giving my kids the shits.

Rere: You have a smart brother.

Poetrysue: Candy and PlayDoh? Two great tastes that taste great together!

lbluca: I would have went back to that house and highlighted the shit out of her car.

Narm: FOCUS! It always ends up with lube for you, doesn't it?

Fiona: You love a good pencil? Have I got a penis for you!

Angiess: this was a hard plastic mask with hard plastic eyes. I popped them out halfway so he could still wear the mask but actually be able to see.

Nope. Didn't want to. "Boy in Robe" it stayed.

I think narrowly escaping several head traumas turned him off on the whole mask thing.

rs27 said...

One year I got 3 pennies.

I ate them anyway.

HeyJoe said...

She’s probably some God damn Nazi ex-teacher or something.

F*cking teachers, always trying to get us to work on our penmanship and EDUCATE us and shit.

Colonel Colonel said...

That's why they call it TRICK or treat. You mean you didn't go armed with eggs just in case? Now all you've done is taught her she can get away with it. Next year she'll probably give out erasers.

At which point you are prepared, and you torch her car.

Halloween- it ain't for sissies.

Malach the Merciless said...

"I got a rock"

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