Thingies...F'ing C's...and Lice | Mental Poo

Monday, November 03, 2008

Thingies...F'ing C's...and Lice


Alternate title of this post:

"ESL (English as a Seventh Language)"

Let me explain.

As some of you may already know, my wife teaches first grade in an inner-city school district.

If you need to catch up on any of her fun-filled stories, feel free to choose on or more of the following:

1) Baby Tits
2) Jeremiah Rubs his Bullfrog
3) Dr. Seuss - Ultimate Fighting Champion

Nice.

Towards the end of the school year, my wife filled me in on three new adventures in her first-grade classroom of mostly non-English speaking 7 year olds.

I have no idea how she does this on a daily basis.


We had a yard sale a few weeks back, and the majority of people who came to look at our useless shit only spoke Spanish.

Mrs. Guapo: "Five Dolla?"

My wife: "You know...I'll give it to you for four-fifty, instead."

*blank stare*

Mrs. Guapo: "er...er...Five Dolla?"

My wife: "FOUR FIFTY."

*blink*

Mrs. Guapo:
"I pay five dolla?"

This woman had NO f*cking clue that my wife was trying to save her stupid ass fifty cents.

My wife: "Fine. Five dollars."

CHA-CHING!!

That's what you get, bitch!! That's what you get!!

No beans with your rice tonight, you stupid shit!!

No. Beans. With. Your. Rice!


Sorry.


So my wife supplied me with the following three tidbits:

#1: The F'ing C

My wife was at the front of the class when two girls started fighting.

Either that, or they were discussing the benefits of starchy, tuberous root vegetables...

...since Spanish, to me, sounds like:

"potato-potato-potato-potato"

...over and over again.


In the middle of this fight, one girl stopped...looked at the other and yelled:

"YOU'RE A F*CKING C*NT!"

Yep.

First grade.

Granted, she probably was...but you there are other ways to call a girl an "F'ing C" rather than just flat-out yell it.

I prefer texting.


#2: They're showing their thingies!

One day, one of the little girls in my wife's class came running up to her and yelled:

"They're showing their thingies!! They're showing their thingies!!"

My wife looked up and there, in all their glory...

...were two 7 year old girls holding their shirts up to a couple of boys...who were staring intently.

The girls were showing their thingies.

Not sure how much thingy there is to see on a 7 year old girl...

(NO, CHRIS HANSEN..I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS)

...but the girls sure were giving it their best shot at displaying them.

F*cking C's.


#3: Disturbing things that rhyme with "nice"

My wife had the class try to creatively finish a rhyme about their moms and dads.

The rhyme started:

"Moms and Dads are really nice..."

One boy raised his hand and said:

"Ooooh...I know...how about:

Moms and Dads are really nice.
They clean your hair when you have lice."


How. Great.

Nice job, Juan...I'll be itchy for the rest of the f*cking day now.


You know, kid, you can get your own bottle of lice removal at the local store for about $4.50.

Oops..sorry.

Five Dollars.


Sucker.

19 comments:

Mike said...

Some friends of my parents are teachers at an inner city school full of black kids.

Some of their names:

Sounds like Asholeh, spelled: Asshole

Sounds like sithayed, spelled: shithead.

The first days roll call was always interesting.

Colonel Colonel said...

Neon Nits? What the heck is a nit anyway, a louse with low self esteem?

Midleah said...

potatopotatopotato

Midleah said...

kitty penis

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

I love your stuff. Who do I see about that?

Asians sound like stripper music:
boomie chickie wah wah
Germans sound like the Phleghmish:
ah hock schnortz ah ptock
Bosnians sound like Spanish/Phleghmish:
Potato! Schnortz, ptockovich tuber.

Poetry Sue said...

aahhhhhhh potato? I work with mexicans every day and I would say it sounds more like yam... not potati

LBluca77 said...

HA You know those 7 years old are going to grow up and work the pole. Future strippers of America!!

Chris Wood said...

Teaching is one of the hardest jobs in the universe.

You never said what you spent that extra 50c on.

Practically Joe said...

ah potatopotatopotatopotato!
I could never understand them ...
but now that you spelled it out ... it all makes sense.
You're like RosettaStone.

HeyJoe said...

I potato understand. Potato in Espanol?

grassyass.

moooooog35 said...

Mike: That's a good topic. My wife reads the names of her kids to me - I have no idea how she figures that shit out. It's like the parents play Boggle and just pick the letters in a row across.

Colonel: Homework assignment!

Midleah: Congrats on being the first one to pipe that quote into Babelfish!

Going: Actually, I think Asians talk like bullets being fired in a metal room: Ping Woong Pingawooong Bing Da!

PoetrySue: Mexicans work?!?!?

lbluca: ..and 11 years from now...I'll be there supporting them.

Chris Wood: 50 cents goes to my 'support the strippers' fund (see lbluca comment above)

PracJoe: Like Rosetta Stone, but without the hot chick who does the commercials. Man.

heyJoe: I had no idea you were bi.

rs27 said...

This reminds me of Dangerous Minds. Without Coolio.

thats a good thing.

Kellie said...

Potato potato potato... Only $4.50! No wait $5.00! Yet another reason why they need to learn english in order to become citizens; they're now screwing themselves over. Ridonkulous.

fiona said...

You failed to mention what your wife sold her.
I'm thinking it was a 5lb bag of potatoes in which case the $4.50 offer probably scared her, she may have thought there was a correlation between weight/cost. Poor wee wumman was just making sure she didn't get short potatoed!

AngieSS said...

Dammit, you mean they weren't saying potato?!! Wonder what I said yes too! ;)

Hungry Mother said...

You're Oprah rich now.

Malach the Merciless said...

I could be worse, you could live in Texas

catscratch said...

Fi-dolla fi-dolla fi-dolla fi-dolla.....

Sold... fo fi-dolla to Lupe.

And kudos to the young ones using words like cunt at such an early age.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

LOL: you of course are right on the sound of asians!

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