Alternate title of this post:
"ESL (English as a Seventh Language)"
Let me explain.
As some of you may already know, my wife teaches first grade in an inner-city school district.
If you need to catch up on any of her fun-filled stories, feel free to choose on or more of the following:
1) Baby Tits
2) Jeremiah Rubs his Bullfrog
3) Dr. Seuss - Ultimate Fighting Champion
Towards the end of the school year, my wife filled me in on three new adventures in her first-grade classroom of mostly non-English speaking 7 year olds.
I have no idea how she does this on a daily basis.
We had a yard sale a few weeks back, and the majority of people who came to look at our useless shit only spoke Spanish.
Mrs. Guapo: "Five Dolla?"
My wife: "You know...I'll give it to you for four-fifty, instead."
Mrs. Guapo: "er...er...Five Dolla?"
My wife: "FOUR FIFTY."
Mrs. Guapo: "I pay five dolla?"
This woman had NO f*cking clue that my wife was trying to save her stupid ass fifty cents.
My wife: "Fine. Five dollars."
That's what you get, bitch!! That's what you get!!
No beans with your rice tonight, you stupid shit!!
No. Beans. With. Your. Rice!
So my wife supplied me with the following three tidbits:
#1: The F'ing C
My wife was at the front of the class when two girls started fighting.
Either that, or they were discussing the benefits of starchy, tuberous root vegetables...
...since Spanish, to me, sounds like:
...over and over again.
In the middle of this fight, one girl stopped...looked at the other and yelled:
"YOU'RE A F*CKING C*NT!"
Granted, she probably was...but you there are other ways to call a girl an "F'ing C" rather than just flat-out yell it.
I prefer texting.
#2: They're showing their thingies!
One day, one of the little girls in my wife's class came running up to her and yelled:
"They're showing their thingies!! They're showing their thingies!!"
My wife looked up and there, in all their glory...
...were two 7 year old girls holding their shirts up to a couple of boys...who were staring intently.
The girls were showing their thingies.
Not sure how much thingy there is to see on a 7 year old girl...
(NO, CHRIS HANSEN..I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS)
...but the girls sure were giving it their best shot at displaying them.
#3: Disturbing things that rhyme with "nice"
My wife had the class try to creatively finish a rhyme about their moms and dads.
The rhyme started:
"Moms and Dads are really nice..."
One boy raised his hand and said:
"Ooooh...I know...how about:
Moms and Dads are really nice.
They clean your hair when you have lice."
Nice job, Juan...I'll be itchy for the rest of the f*cking day now.
You know, kid, you can get your own bottle of lice removal at the local store for about $4.50.