Vertical Rugburn | Mental Poo

Friday, November 21, 2008

Vertical Rugburn

Booze + Rugs = Pain.

Let me explain.

With hockey season upon us, I begin contemplating my yearly trip with my buddies to the city of Montreal, Canada.

"Why Montreal, you sexy, sexy little man?" you ask.

(especially after THIS F*CKING EPISODE, that's a pretty good f*cking question)

Well, pull your underwear back up and sit right down there my little Mexican immigrant pool boy, and let me tell you.

Is it the old-world charm?

Is it to experience the cultural significance of a government system where Health care is free?

Is it the beauty and splendor of a country that has primarily untapped and untouched resources?


It's pretty much just the strip joints.

I first ventured to the north during – of all things – Spring Break.

When most kids head south to Florida or warmer, sunnier states, I headed up to the frozen tundra of the north with four of my college buddies.

Smart move? I’m not so sure, because I’ve probably left a small fortune in Canada over the years.

I could probably fund a small guerilla outfit in Latin America for the money I’ve spent.

Or another Mexican pool boy.

I'm undecided at this point which way to go.

Regardless, the whole fascination with Montreal started out with the realization that they have an 18-year old drinking age.

This is VERY important to college kids who don’t want to be arrested in Florida...

(or appear on "Curious Gay Boys Gone Wild" (but that's another story))

...but still want to get really, really, really drunk.

I was introduced to the concept of getting drunk at a young age when I dated a girl in high school whose father was from Quebec.

I believe his name was "Pierre" or "Jean-Luc" or "Picard" or some French Canadian shit like that...I can't really remember.

I was banging his daughter and that's really all I cared about.

Every year, he would arrange a bus troupe ("troupe" is French for "group"...or maybe "meatloaf") of high school kids would head up to Mount St. Anne for a ski trip – which happened to be during the “Winter Carnival” in Quebec city.

The Winter Carnival is basically a Mardi Gras in Canada…where you get completely obliterated in a giant party atmosphere - all outdoors.

The main difference here, though, is that you’re freezing to death.

Had a girl decide to expose her boobs, they'd probably immediately turn black and fall off.


Huh...they're heavier than I expected.

As such, we were all basically a bunch of completely drunken 16 year olds…sharing hotel rooms…drunken debauchery….it was AWESOME.

On one morning, I woke up and noticed that one of the bigger kids on the trip, Joe, had one side of his face completely sheared off.

This was the direct result of the elevators in the hotel...

...having carpeted walls.

Although nice in appearance, having carpeted elevator walls does not bode well for someone who actually passes out while standing up in the elevator…

...subsequently sliding down the length of the wall with their face against the carpet.

Rug burns can leave scars.

Trust Joe - he knows.

Booze + Rugs = Pain.

See? I told you I'd explain it.

So, hockey season is back.

However, I now head up there with a group of three to five guys…where we do more drinking than going to the strip joints.

You see...

...with the exchange rate these days, I just can’t afford the luxury of $600 blue balls anymore.

Yet another reason to hate George Bush.

Like we needed one more.


Narm said...

Ah I spent my college days making the hour voyage from Toledo to Windsor. What is it with Canada and strip clubs? And poor planning on their part - I want to give a tip to the stripper and I have to slip a loonie in her ass.

Or a toonie if she's REAL good.

Ah Canadian humor.

Anonymous said...

The hate us in Canada but not as much as they hate us in France...they do love to take our money though...have fun...pass wives ahhh big whoop

Malicious Intent said...

So you are going with a bunch of grown men, to another country, share rooms and get drunk but NOT go to a strip club?

When ya remove the strip club part, you are just going to another country to get drunk and sleep with other men. Right?

Maybe I am just confused...but it sounds like a very gay (gay means happy, at least it did in 1950) trip. Uh, have fun?

Christina_the_wench said...

You're just going for the border strip search aren't you? I knew it.

Anonymous said...

Get rip-roarin' drunk for me too -- that way I don't have to deal with the hangover.

Oh, and it is totally true that rug burns cause scars. I have one in the middle of my back the size of a fifty cent piece. Don't ever, EVER have sex on the carpet! Or -- at least make sure you are on top. ;)

Anonymous said...

"Well, pull your underwear back up and sit right down there my little Mexican immigrant pool boy, and let me tell you."

Okay, that has me hysterical laughing. (need to catch my breath) Now I can go back and finish reading the rest of this post.

Anonymous said...

Rug burns can leave scars.

Trust Joe - he knows.

I totally trust Joe!

Anonymous said...

Come on back. We (I'm Canadian) still have strip clubs. The Canadian dollar has been dropping lately so your money will go farther, well, as far as the stripper will let it go without having you arrested. And we really, really like American money. Euros are great too. Pounds also. In fact, any currency that's easily convertible to loonies (a.k.a. Canadian dollars) is OK in my book.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

But...I'm not wearing underwear...

LBluca77 said...

If I would have known you can drink in Canada at 18 I would have moved there after high school. Instead I stated in the US of A and had to pay bums to buy me booze until I scored a sweet fake ID.

Unknown said...

I agree with Joel. Our dollar sucks right now so you're 1 American doller is going to go pretty far in lapdances.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with Meghan. Most of my business' revenue arrives in U.S. dollars. So, the lower the Canadian dollar goes, the less it sucks. My motto has always been, "What this country (Canada) needs is a good 50-cent dollar."

HeyJoe said...

So that stripper picture - what's with the stripper ghost in the middle? I assume she is the reason those to bozos have their backs turned to the real flesh n' blood strippers. Not that I stared at this pic or anything.

Olly said...

I lived in Manitoba until I was sixteen. The drinking age is 18 there, too. I was some pissed-off when we moved to BC and found out it was 19 there. Needless to say I spent alot of time flying back to visit friends (drink).

Moooooog35 said...

Hungry: On the bright side, though - no Yankees fans!

Narm: loonie? toonie? kind of pill are you taking?

Maunie: Are there strippers in France? ROAD TRIP!

MI: narc.

Christina: They strip at the border, too?!

AngieSS: That's why I shave my genitals. Oh..which carpet are you talking about?

Meleah: I'm gonna make a shirt. Trust Joe - he knows.

Joe Klibididydklipf: LOONIE EXPLAINED! Thanks!

Becky: This is news?

lbluca: ...and many a happy US Bum was paid in hummers.

Meghan/Joe: Wow. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife.

Incoming shocker!

HeyJoe: Stripper Ghost.

I'm SO making this a movie.

If there can be a 'Zombie Strippers,' there certainly can be a 'Stripper Ghost.'

Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.


Olly: I've spent 20 minutes trying to do the math and can't figure out why a 16 year old would fly from a place with a 19 year old drinking age to drink at a place that has an 18 year drinking age.

My head hurts.

Rahul said...

Club Supersexx is the spot.

Um, never been there.

Malach the Merciless said...

What was that all aboot? EH?

AngryMan said...

You go to another country just to see some tail? Back in the 50s, there was a skin club on every corner posing as a friendly coffee shop. What has this country come to?

weirdtales said...

Here's one more, I hate George Bush too...I think we should all go to Canada & find some Zombie Strippers ...ehh!

Anonymous said...

Jeeez. Support the locals.

Anonymous said...

Well. You have yourself a good time now.

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