Don't Stand So Close To Me | Mental Poo

Monday, November 24, 2008

Don't Stand So Close To Me

A Rule is a Rule.

..unless it's an Indian guy...

Then Arul is Arul.

(symbols crash)

Thank you for your kind applause. I'm here all week.

Okay...on to my topic...

I long while back, my buddy Spazoid wrote about some basic bathroom rules.

Personally, I have a few that I've written about already:

1) Washing your hands

2) Talking to me while I'm in there (seriously...SHUT. THE F*CK. UP)

3) The Joy of BWB (although not a rule...worthy of a mention)

...however... recent second viewing of Iron Man reminded me of this rule:

Thou Shalt Not Pee in a Urinal That's RIGHT NEXT to Another Guy

Men, we all know this rule.

If Moses hadn't broken that other tablet, it would be Commandment #11.

Friggin' butterfingers.

Anyway...about this rule...

If you walk into a bathroom with two urinals, and one is already being used, you have three options:

1) Go into a stall instead

2) Hold it in

3) Join the filming of a "golden shower" movie already in progress

Under NO circumstance should you stand RIGHT NEXT to another man at a urinal.

Exceptions to this rule are:

1) You're at a sporting events
2) You're gay

That said, here's what happened to me at the theater.

I walked into the men's room to go wee wee.

The urinals were laid out as follows:

Child - Child - Adult - Adult -Adult - Adult

For ease of reference, I'm marking them with numbers in the picture below.

When I got there, there was already a guy whizzing into urinal #6.

Per the "can't stand right next to another guy pissing" rule, I - of course - took urinal #4.

As soon as I started to go, I heard someone walk in.

This guy was, like, 6-foot-4.

He stopped.

He quickly did the math.

The only free adult urinals available were directly next to either me, or the guy at the end. I said...


Of course, Gigantor wandered to the end, and started peeing in the kiddie urinal.

There I am, all 5-foot-2 of me, standing at the adult urinal...

...while the Jolly Green Giant had to contort himself into some weird Yoga stance in order to get his schlong to reach down into the kid's urinal... avoid peeing all over the wall.

But, as I said.

We have RULES.

Just don't ask me to repeat them in the bathroom.

We're not supposed to talk in there.


Hungry Mother said...

Good reminder of important stuff. Yesterday, I was peeing in one of two urinals and an asshole came in and stood next to me. I expected him to start talking. If I weren't nonviolent, weak, and a chicken, I would have given him a beatdown.

Practically Joe said...

"I so much wish I could place a comment here today."
-Practically Joe

On behalf of Rodney, the Practically Wisdom Blog Team is visiting everyone on the list of BLOGs he follows. He would like you to know that he greatly enjoys reading your posts and commenting on them.

Unfortunately Rodney, sorry, we mean Practically Joe, has been heavily sedated for a long period of time now, following an accident which left him with two broken ribs and a number of minor injuries.

He has been coming along fine and asked the team to post an account of the incident, which was posted on Sunday, 11/23.

We have great expectations that he shall return soon, as good as new. He wishes you and every blogger a Great Thanksgiving Holiday.
For those not in the USA … Have a great week!

Thank You.
The Practically Wisdom Blog Team.

Narm said...

What happened to "I'll shoot, you aim"???

Poetry Sue said...

Well well... I guess there are some rules I need to explain to my son as I am potty training him.. thanks for the pictures they will make great teaching aides.

Moooooog35 said...

Hungry: Sometimes, we all need little reminders. Bathroom beatdowns are fine unless you're at a rest stop where this takes on a whole other meaning.

Joe: Sorry to hear about the fall. However, my lawyer will be in touch regarding the use of my name in a story about doing stupid shit.

Narm: (see rest area reference above)

Poetry: I'm here to help. You're welcome.

EChihuahua: Please see the "Don't talk to me" link above.

Seriously people, if you ain't gonna read my shit in full then send me $5 per post and I'll get you the Cliff Notes.*

*Cliff Notes may be longer than the normal post.

Anonymous said...

LMAO I think I just choked on my tongue. That was hysterical. I know I'm thinking too deep here, but since there is this "smashed commandment rule" that all men are aware of -- why don't they just build the men's room to suit?!! Or are all the men' bathroom designers gay?!!

Anyhowser, you made me LOL...not just a little lol either -- a big gigantic LMFAOROFL!!!

fiona said...

I love the way you can "wee wee" whilst looking over your shoulder and grinning into the camera. Now that's just pure, raw, Talent!
Mind you, your head and the Jolly Green Giants crotch look a tad to aligned for comfort...just saying

Olly said...

Nothing grosser than someone in a stall who answers their cell phone. Gross!

Christina_the_wench said...

I'm adding this to my book, "Men: The Weirder Sex".

I will, of course, give you props on the urinal etiquette.

Moooooog35 said...

AngieSS: Wow. Took me three minutes to decipher that thing.

Smart be I am!

Fiona: You're right about the alignment. I may have to start using the shitter stalls to pee.

Olly: I like the ones who answer the phone while they're shitting.

I couldn't do that.

Me: "Oh, hi. Sure..why don't you...UUNNNNGGGHHH...why don't you send that over?"

Christina: Thanks! Let me know when you want to do the photo shoot for the jacket cover.

GeologyJoe said...

After reading this I know you'd like this game:

Rahul said...

The sink is always an option.

HeyJoe said...

Now tell me, why would you choose #4 instead of #3, which would have provided not one, but TWO buffer urinals?

Also, I HATE pissing next to a Gigantor. I always get the weird feeling that they're looking over the divider at me, if in fact there IS a divider. In your example there is not. I like dividers. Can I get some f*cking privacy here??

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: Good point. I DO have an enviable penis.

You know...when I dress him up and shit.

Geo: ACED IT! Except for the last one...trick question. Pricks.

rs27: Remind me never to follow you into the men's room.


HeyJoe: The best option for me would have been to take the furthest, children's stall.

However, when I do that, I usually end up peeing all over the front or top of it.

Next time. Next time.

Kellie said...

Being female, I had no idea this rule existed but I think it's a good rule. And at least the giant obeyed the rule. You gotta give him props for using the kiddie urinal in order to comply.

Kellie said...

Being female, I had no idea this rule existed but I think it's a good rule. And at least the giant obeyed the rule. You gotta give him props for using the kiddie urinal in order to comply.

Coffeypot said...

When that happens I usually turn to the guy and say, "Dude, my back is killing me and the doctor told me not to lift anything heavy, so can you have me a hand here? It's all I can do to keep the python out of the urinal." He usually leaves without peeing - unless he's gay. Then I run. Also, I NEVER say that to a biker or a man with tattoos all over his arms and neck and stuff. There are other rules, ya know.

AngryMan said...

Good job Tiny.

Malach the Merciless said...

What about old school Fenway Park, where it was basically one communal urinal trough thing?

Anonymous said...

And you were at the big boy potty because??

Megan (Best of Fates) said...

There are little boy urinals?

That's it - I've learned too much today. It's time to go home.

Mama Mary said...

Thank you for this tutorial. I am not above pissing in the men's room if the line for the women's is too long, so these rules are very helpful!

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