All Dan Wants for Christmas | Mental Poo

Thursday, December 11, 2008

All Dan Wants for Christmas

Maybe it hurts when he sticks it in.

Maybe it’s just easier to NOT stuff it in there.

You know…less chance of bleeding.

Plus, he gets to play in the hole with his tongue all day long.

The tooth.

I mean, the tooth.

You sick bastards.

The guy I sit next to the other day came into work and sat down at the desk next to me.

Me: “Morning, Dan.”

Dan: “Morning.”

He smiled.


I sat there...


Well…not really stunned…more indifferent with a tiny bit of morning gas…but for the sake of poetic license:


There…in the space where, just yesterday, sat a gleaming white incisor was…was….


Now, granted, I live in New Hampshire and toothless hillbillies are pretty much common around these parts (they can provide you with the BEST sheep sedative…let me know if you’re interested an I’ll hook you up)

…but the problem here was:

He had a tooth YESTERDAY.


No tooth today.


Where did it go?

Did it up and leave him in the middle of the night?

Dan: “Incisor!! I’m HOOOOME!


Dan: “Um…why are you packing?”

Tooth: “I found THIS in your jacket pocket!!”

She produces…

...a gold crown.

“Now…that’s NOT mine, and I know it’s not Jimmy Molar’s back there because his is F*CKING SILVER YOU ASSHOLE…so you TELL ME…WHO’S CROWN IS IT?!?

This probably didn’t happen.

Confused, I rolled over to Kristin.

No – I’m not fat – my chair has wheels.

As a side note, I can glide, like, 20 feet across the floor in this chair. It’s completely f*cking AWESOME.

I’m 8 years old.

Me: “Hey…question.”

Kristin: “What’s up?”

(supress bad thought...supress bad thought)

Me: “Is Dan missing a f*cking tooth?”

Kristin: “Yeah. Sometimes he doesn’t put it in.”



How do you decide one morning to NOT put your tooth in?

Do you think people won’t f*cking notice that you have a giant gap in THE FRONT OF YOUR MOUTH?

Does a fake tooth need a vacation?

Did it get up this morning, look at Dan and say, “No…you go on without me…I’m sleeping in.”

How do teeth talk? Do they have their own teeth?

I need help.

I was just curious as to why you would go to the trouble of getting a fake tooth…then NOT put it in. I can see if it was, say, a back molar or something that no one is going to notice…but a FRONT tooth?

Put the f*cking thing in.

You look like Laurence Fishburne.

Oh…his is just a gap.

Maybe Dan can let him borrow the fake tooth to fill it.

I know he’s not using it.


Christina_the_wench said...

Give the dude a break. At least he HAS a tooth to put in. I can send you photos of my cousins and we can compare.

Anonymous said...

Very funny. Thank you for the more scientific answer on the comment you left me (David Beckham) - I like to keep to a more simple explanation though when trying to convey it to a mad girl ;)

LBluca77 said...

Sometimes he doesn't put the tooth in?? what the hell. Is it like tooth optional day, kinda like top optional day.

Hungry Mother said...

It's like me and zipping up my fly in the morning - optional.

deluded said...

dan has a LOT of manboob right there.

deluded said...

I second the vote for 'world top-optional day'

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

This little town I live in is sort of infamous because it's a place for Utahn's to come and sin. Utah has laws restricting all the stuff we have in abundance, like higher alcohol content beer, gambling and seeing naked ladies dance on a stage.

This is why we have a rather busy liquor store. All liquor stores in Utah are state owned and cheap hooch is not cheap. If you don't drive back to Utah like an asshole you can transport lots of Arbor Mist.

I'm not often at the liquor store, despite the impression I give, but the last time I was there I found someone's bridge on top of the newspaper dispenser in front of the store.

That left me wondering the same thing you are wondering today. How do you come to the decision that you must remove three of your teeth in front of the liquor store and just leave them for anyone to poke at?

I realize you don't need teeth to drink liquor and you aren't going to care if anyone sees your hill billy nature when you are sucking down mescal.

fiona said...

He's got a Cavity!

lacochran said...

Maybe he shares it with his wife. You know, even days it's his...

Anonymous said...

Maybe his tooth has a date with a really hot bicuspid?

Anonymous said...

That is definitely odd.

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: You must be so proud.

Trent: mad girl, shmad girl. Grow a pair, would ya?

lbluca: I'm moving to California.

Hungry: I suppose that explains the subpoena.

Dan: true and true.

Becky: poked it?

fiona: when I was a kid, my friend Ed had a guinea pig named 'cavity.'

This has nothing to do with anything. Just thought I'd throw it out there.

lacochran: good tooth between them.

Mike: his tooth is bi?

rs27: Imagine what? putting it in the space in Dan's mouth? Are you insane, man?!

Tova: fo shizzle.

(I speak jive)

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Poke it with a stick, lol.

Kellie said...

Interesting. My MIL has a fake front tooth. She scared me to death one night when she came out of her bedroom w/o it in. Creepy. But luckily for us during waking hours she always has it in. Thank god.

Anonymous said...

Hey don't judge just yet. My friend has a fake tooth in the bottom middle of her mouth. Once when she was at a guys house getting ready for -- you know -- and she was in his bathroom and rinsed her mouth out and when she spit, the tooth popped out and went down the drain. She was all like wtf?!! I'll tell you the whole story some other time, but, you know, he coulda lost it down the drain or something...

Malach the Merciless said...

Dan is a meth addict, I can tell

GeologyJoe said...

I always have said, if your gonna have a fake tooth do your self a favor and have a gold tooth. Gypsy style.

Anonymous said...

"As a side note, I can glide, like, 20 feet across the floor in this chair. It’s completely f*cking AWESOME."

ha ha ha ha ha

I can picture you doing that and loving it.

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