Sparky Gets a Bad Wrap | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Sparky Gets a Bad Wrap

Before I start today...

I FINALLY got someone to do a review of:

Zombie Strippers

...over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

This plea came from this previous post.

Thanks for playing!!



She took my package, and deftly worked it with such care and precision...

...that I was done in a flash.


She's good.

Let me explain.

This past Saturday night, both of my kids had their first sleepovers at their friends' house.

The wife and I were left...


(queue porn music)

Alone time.

At long last.

Faced with an entire house to ourselves for an entire night...

...with no children jabbering or fighting or annoying us with shit like, "I'm hungry!" or "I'm bored!" or "I'm bleeding!"...

...we looked at each other with a sly wink in our eyes.

And, yes, we did what any couple would do.

That's right.

We wrapped fucking Christmas presents.


Sometimes I wish I was Jewish and just had to worry about shopping for dreidels and those weird candles and baklava and shit.

I'm cultured!

So, the wife and I sat there on our bedroom floor with the kids' presents sprawled out in front of us.

My wife was wrapping my daughter, Payton's presents.

I was in charge of my son, Cam's presents.

Aside from sex, wrapping presents is the other thing I'm really really bad at.

This is why I don't give my wife sex for Christmas - it's like two bad presents wrapped in one tiny, premature ejaculating package.

But I've digressed.

About 30 seconds into wrapping my son's first gift, the fucking thing rips through the paper.

* riiiip!


I look up, already frustrated, and realize that my wife has wrapped 6 of my daughter's presents in the time I've managed to create a three inch tear in my son's first one.

Oh. IT IS ON!!

With 14 square feet of tape and three different kinds of wrapping paper, I manage to finally wrap his first gift.

Me: "TA DA!! I wrapped's your birthday...I wrapped's your.."

My wife has two gifts left.


It's at this time, I realize WHY she only has two left to do.

My daughter's gifts are all in nice, perfectly square or rectangular boxes.

My son's gifts all look like they were created by M.C. Escher.

Each fucking gift has 25 different fucking angles and points and spears sticking out and every goddamn box has been created using geometric angles that defy the laws of physics.

Me: "How can this box have FIVE SIDES?!? I have top...bottom...left side...right side...what the fuck is this?!?"

My wife is now done, just sitting there watching me like she's watching a starving Ethiopian kid on a "Save the Children" commercial.

Sure, the camera guy could have given the friggin' kid a sandwich, but it would mess up the whole balance of nature.

It's that whole 'butterfly beating it's wings causes a hurricane' thing...

...except this time it's me screwing up my son's Christmas and him becoming a serial killer.

The law of nature says you just have to let this shit play out.

Each of my son's gifts now looks like a little ball of rolled up, creased and semi-folded wrapping paper.

In some cases, I managed to only use two different kinds of paper to wrap the stupid thing! WHODAMAN now?!

I suck at this shit.

Halfway through I realize how bad his stuff really looks.

Me: "Cam is going to wonder why Santa had 'Sparky the Retarded Elf' wrap his shit."

(ABC Family: call me and we'll work out the details for this new Christmas Special!)

My apologies to people offended at the word 'retarded.' don't belong here.

Finally, the wife pitched in to save my ass.

A full 13 seconds later, all his gifts were done.


I was spent.

I mean...who wouldn't be spent watching their wife handle packages this way?

I guess Sparky, maybe.

Santa really needs to fire his ass - he really sucks.


Anonymous said...


Do what I do.

Gift bags.

Even I can't screw that up.

Christina_the_wench said...

Let me get this straight. You have gifts bought AND wrapped already and it isn't even December 24th and you're whining like a little girl?

Blow me.

Anonymous said...

Gift cards...they are called gift cards!

Just tell the kids Santa doesn't love them enough to buy them presents.

After the intitial shock and a few months of therapy they'll be just fine.

Trust me!

Anonymous said...

initial that's initial not intitial.

Now you know why I never play Scrabble....

Damn me!

Narm said...

Wow 13 seconds? At least it still took her longer than you do in bed.

Moooooog #1! Moooooog #1!

Poetry Sue said...

At least you are willing to give it a try.. my ex (my sons father) got hives just looking at wrapping paper... I don't think he has ever wrapped a gift in his life

HeyJoe said...

I'm with Christina. The fact that you've already done all your shopping AND wrapping puts you at the top of my "Stalk and Kill" List.

Moooooog35 said...


Christina: I can DO that?

lbluca: yeah...your ability to wrap a fucking gift really seals it for ya.

PrePo: you'll be getting 'Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing' from as your gift from me.

narm: Way to have my back, man! GO GET LBLUCA!!

PoetrySue: Those weren't hives. Those were balls.

HeyJoe: well..when all you get your kids for XMas are dryer sheets, it's pretty easy.

Kellie said...

Wow. Come on now. It's not rocket science. If it's not in a 4 sided box then you do the gift bag route. Actually do like I do b/c I'm lazy and do the gift bag route regardless. It's SO MUCH easier!

Anonymous said...

Okay. I am CRYING. I am laughing soafa king hard.

First of all ...."it's like two bad presents wrapped in one tiny, premature ejaculating package"...

Secondly, I cannot wrap presents whatsoever either. I feel your pain... saying that your son's gifts all look like they were created by M.C. Escher...Cracked Me Up so very much.

And then I really lost it when I read this line "...except this time it's me screwing up my son's Christmas and him becoming a serial killer."....


And yeah, why doesn't the camera guy just give the kids a sandwich?

OMG. I love this blog. No one is funnier than you.

Anonymous said...

Good for you for trying. My dad always gave us our gifts in the brown paper grocery bags. And even those were torn. And he didn't wrap his gifts until five minutes before we got to open them. You really rock!

dreamwalker said...

Hi there! Found you through Meleah...glad I did!

If it makes you feel better, I wrap presents like you do and I end up buying gift bags instead. Either that or have the lady (or ladyboy for that matter) at the store wrap the gifts -saves me time and high blood pressure.

Malach the Merciless said...

I am a good wrapper, I guess that means I am gay.

Colleen said...

I have to agree with the giftbags. You can even lie and say you are trying to save the planet by recycling old grocery bags and that it has nothing to do with you being a lazy ass that forgot to buy wrapping paper and haven't seen tape in the house for over 4 years.

Moooooog35 said...

Kellie: I KNOW it's not rocket science. I have a degree in Architecture for chrissakes! Why can't I figure out how to wrap this FUCKING POKEMON?!?! WHY?!?!?


Meleah: Wow. You want me.

Jen: Your dad actually wrapped presents?

You mean that your dad wasn't an alcoholic construction worker who didn't give a fuck?

Your childhood must have been magical.

Mike: Maybe that's why she always asks me to 'rap on her cat.'

Dreamwalker: The only thing that makes me feel better is masturbating. And you really don't want to see what the presents look like after that.

Malach: Gee. Mystery solved.

C.Watson: Ah..yes...the memories of childhood...waking up and OPENING A GIFT BAG.


Falwless said...

I laughed pretty hard at this entry. First trip to this strange weblog of yours. Oh, I'll be back. I will be back. Bet on it.

fiona said...

Next year give him a gift card!

Donny Ruth said...

Try wrapping eachother's faces in christmas wrapping paper then having sex pretending your partner is someone else.

If you ever want any more love advice swing by my blog or e-mail me. The law says I can give love advice. Good enough for me.

Warmest regards,

Hungry Mother said...

Wrapping this one might take a while too.

Jen said...

Me: "Cam is going to wonder why Santa had 'Sparky the Retarded Elf' wrap his shit."

Ok, Moooog, I can't stop laughing after reading this! What am I supposed to tell the boss?!

I like wrapping, but I'm a girl. It's what I do when my son isn't home and my husband isn't helping me in the least.

Moooooog35 said...

Falwless: One of the best names ever.

Fiona: Right. Nothing lights up a kid's eyes on Christmas morn like opening up a fucking gift card.

Why don't I just write them a check?

Donny: Tried it. That's how my first wife died.

Hungry: NOW you see my dilemma!

Jen: You send him the link. If he laughs, send me $5.

You're welcome.

fiona said...

Moog - peed myself, again. Thanks

Anonymous said...

I once wrapped a *gag* gift for a lady in my ex-husband's office.

It was a pile of poo... from Spencer's in the mall.

It was the prettiest gift up under the company tree that year. Lovely, shiny green paper with swirly, fully red and white ribbons...

Good times.

Moooooog35 said...

Fiona: Seriously. I think you may have a problem with bladder control. Try Depends Undergarments. Not only will they help if you pee yourself, but you can wear them to parties and NEVER worry about missing any action!

Catscratch: I SO thought it was going to be a ball gag.

By the way, great idea for a workplace gift swap.

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

I think I hurt myself when I read 'Sparky the Retarded Elf'


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