Apparently, harp seals are very fattening.
Let me explain.
With the Christmas season upon us (sorry Jews!), the television is once again blanketed in a vast array of Christmas specials.
Last night, as I sat and watched "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" with my kids, the following thing struck me:
My wife's shoe.
She has good aim from a distance.
After the bleeding stopped, I returned to ponder something about "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
If you haven't seen it (looking at my lawyer), the special revolves around the mysteries of Santa Claus.
1) Why does he wear a red suit?
2) Why does he come down the chimney?
3) Why does he have a beard?
4) Boxers or briefs?
5) Why doesn't he have kids? Is it because he's too f*cking fat to find his own dick, or are Mrs. Claus' ovaries just a barren, dry wasteland?
6) What's it like to f*ck a reindeer?
One of the things they go over is how he met his wife.
In the show, he meets his future wife in a woman named, "Jessica."
Why they decided to pick one of the sexiest, hottest, "f*ck-me" names on the planet, I have no idea.
(runner up ideas for Mrs. Claus "f*ck me" names were: "Rachael", "Ashley" and "Condoleeza Rice")
Here's what Miss Jessica looks like when Kris Kringle first meets her:
She likes toys.
This broad has 'daytime homemaker/nighttime whore' written all over her tight little stop-motion ass.
Way to f*cking go, Santa!
You see, they get married and move to the North Pole.
The VERY NEXT SCENE they show after they decide to build a castle shows this:
Holy shit, Mrs. Claus!
Seriously - what the f*ck is SO delicious in the North F*cking Pole that you had to gain 200 pounds?
Elves? Are you eating the f*cking elves?
HEY!! WHERE'S HERMEY?!?!
Just so the women out there don't start crying, "No Fair!" and "Foul!" and "Mooooooog have sex with me!", I give you THIS:
Jesus H. Christ.
Couldn't they pop a can of "Slim Fast" every once in a while?
I'm sure the f*cking reindeer who have to pull is fat ass would appreciate the gesture.
Just a couple of other things to note about this special:
Is Heatmeiser really Burgermeister Meisterburger with a different wig?!?
Here's Heatmeiser from "Year Without a Santa Claus" (best f*cking special EVER) and Burgermeister (from "SCICTT") side by side:
I think either the people who make these f*cking things got really, really lazy...
...or there's been some inbreeding in Sombertown.
I believe Sombertown is in Kentucky, so this is probably correct.
The Winter Warlock becomes 'good' after Santa gives him a toy.
Because of this, he loses his magic powers!
Poof! Magic powers all gone!
Maybe it's me...
...but I think I'd choose to stay a total f*cking evil dickhead if it meant I could f*cking do magic and spells and shit and turn people into rocks or kill them with snowballs made of dead chipmunks that I murdered in cold blood with my piss made of lightning.
F*cking Winter Warlock.
What a goddamn pussy.
Maybe he could have used his magic to buy the Clauses a f*cking treadmill.