Don't They Have Jenny Craig at the North Pole? | Mental Poo

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Don't They Have Jenny Craig at the North Pole?

Apparently, harp seals are very fattening.

Let me explain.

With the Christmas season upon us (sorry Jews!), the television is once again blanketed in a vast array of Christmas specials.

Last night, as I sat and watched "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" with my kids, the following thing struck me:

My wife's shoe.

She has good aim from a distance.

After the bleeding stopped, I returned to ponder something about "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

If you haven't seen it (looking at my lawyer), the special revolves around the mysteries of Santa Claus.

Things like:

1) Why does he wear a red suit?

2) Why does he come down the chimney?

3) Why does he have a beard?

4) Boxers or briefs?

5) Why doesn't he have kids? Is it because he's too f*cking fat to find his own dick, or are Mrs. Claus' ovaries just a barren, dry wasteland?

6) What's it like to f*ck a reindeer?

One of the things they go over is how he met his wife.

In the show, he meets his future wife in a woman named, "Jessica."

Why they decided to pick one of the sexiest, hottest, "f*ck-me" names on the planet, I have no idea.

(runner up ideas for Mrs. Claus "f*ck me" names were: "Rachael", "Ashley" and "Condoleeza Rice")


Here's what Miss Jessica looks like when Kris Kringle first meets her:


Small waist.

Huge rack.

She likes toys.

This broad has 'daytime homemaker/nighttime whore' written all over her tight little stop-motion ass.

Way to f*cking go, Santa!

Kind of.

You see, they get married and move to the North Pole.

The VERY NEXT SCENE they show after they decide to build a castle shows this:

Holy shit, Mrs. Claus!

Seriously - what the f*ck is SO delicious in the North F*cking Pole that you had to gain 200 pounds?

Elves? Are you eating the f*cking elves?


Just so the women out there don't start crying, "No Fair!" and "Foul!" and "Mooooooog have sex with me!", I give you THIS:

Jesus H. Christ.

Couldn't they pop a can of "Slim Fast" every once in a while?

I'm sure the f*cking reindeer who have to pull is fat ass would appreciate the gesture.

Just a couple of other things to note about this special:

Is Heatmeiser really Burgermeister Meisterburger with a different wig?!?

You judge.

Here's Heatmeiser from "Year Without a Santa Claus" (best f*cking special EVER) and Burgermeister (from "SCICTT") side by side:

I think either the people who make these f*cking things got really, really lazy...

...or there's been some inbreeding in Sombertown.

I believe Sombertown is in Kentucky, so this is probably correct.

The Winter Warlock becomes 'good' after Santa gives him a toy.

Because of this, he loses his magic powers!

Poof! Magic powers all gone!



Maybe it's me...

...but I think I'd choose to stay a total f*cking evil dickhead if it meant I could f*cking do magic and spells and shit and turn people into rocks or kill them with snowballs made of dead chipmunks that I murdered in cold blood with my piss made of lightning.

F*cking Winter Warlock.

What a goddamn pussy.

Maybe he could have used his magic to buy the Clauses a f*cking treadmill.

Fat bastards.


Anonymous said...

moooog35, my first visit here, wicked! Blame the Blue Yak for my intrusion. I have been laughin' so hard I twisted my spleen.

I'll be back.


Anonymous said...

It's obvious that they are inuit. It's all that whale blubber. I believe it's referred to as "splooge".

Christina_the_wench said...

OK, I gotta say this. Chris Kringle's red ass hair scares the shit out of me. And the Winter Warlock dude makes me hot.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Stop motion porn ruins my rhythms.

Moooooog35 said...

Argentinian Vagina: Twisted spleen? You can't sue me for that shit, FYI.

Mike: Inuit? How do you get Outofit?

Christina: How do you know Santa has red ass hair? Are YOU Mrs. Claus?!?

lbluca: reindeer are hornier.

Becky: I know. I used to jack to "Land of the Lost" when the T-Rex showed up. Awkward getting a rhythm going without Chaka in the mix.

HeyJoe said...

Was always partial to Snowmiser myself. I fucking hate the heat.

Joke in there somewhere....

Kellie said...

Maybe Mrs. Claus was so pissed at Santa for making her move to the freaking freezing N. Pole that she decided the best revenge was to get gross and fat. Plus theres got to be a lack of fun activities up there. I mean Elves? They are only funny for so long. Kind of like midgets. Sure their little legs and stubby fingers are funny to look at at first but after a while it's just the same shit different midg. (Did I cross a line here?) Hmmm....

fiona said...

I know how Mrs Clause feels. I'm hurtin for her. Poor beotch.

Dr Zibbs said...

BWhahhahhahaa - you had me at "sorry Jews".

Rahul said...

I thought that sort of thing happens with every woman.

Jen said...

"The Year Without a Santa Claus" IS the best special EVER. It even trumps my favorite character-Snoopy.

Anonymous said...

This post is so god dammed funny on so very may levels..

Jesus H Christ. How do you do it!

"HOLY F*CKSHIT! Small waist. Huge rack. She likes toys."


Pre Married Miss Jessica sounds like a smoking hottie alright

Narm said...

Ummm...Miss Jessica kind of looks like Hillary Clinton. Santa has terrible taste.

Anonymous said...

You totally jacked up my holiday spirit with talks of treadmills.


Malach the Merciless said...

Put one foot in front of the other . . .soon you'll walkng cross the floor.

Moooooog35 said...

HeyJoe: Dude...then don't watch "Miser Brother's Christmas" - they've turned Snowmiser into the biggest frozen fruitcake this side of Richard Simmons.

It shatters. Your. World.

Kellie: At 5'2" tall, I'm technically not a midget. However, I am bendable in many different poses, so it's a new adventure every time.

Fiona: Maybe this is something you can work out in therapy?

Dr. Zibbs: Thanks. If the humor doesn't get 'em, the anti-Semitic comments usually do. I'm an equal opportunity offender.

rs27: I'm married so I can't say yes..yes it does. I did not say that.

Jen: No argument here. Also - what's up with Jingle and Jangle? Do you think they take the small snowmobile to school? Not too bright, those two.

Meleah: You want me.

Narm: If Hillary looked like that before she married Bill, then even MORE kudos to Bill. BJ from fattie...married a much better can life get, really?

Catscratch: It's what I do.

Malach: Ah...yet another scene showing the pussification of Winter Warlock. Stupid douche.

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