The 2013 Moooooog35 Holiday Letter!

Well, it's that time of year again!!

The annual Moooooog35 Holiday Letter!

Enjoy!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!!

Moog out.

The 2013 Christmas Light SPECTACULAR!

I hate decorating.

I really do. It's not that I'm a Grinch (I am) or I'm lazy (I really am), but I just don't see the point in dragging out tons of lights at Christmas and freezing to string them up only to have them buried under 4 feet of snow for 4 months rendering them unable to be taken in until April.

So I don't.

BUT I got married in November and my wife likes decorating.

Plus, I have to contend with seeing stuff like this in my town:

WHAT. THEFUCK.

Seriously, dude. WHY?!

Not to be outdone, I went to town on my house.

VOILA!

I know. I know.

It's a bit overwhelming.

One light strand was about as much as I was willing to decorate.

However, just to keep things fresh, I would change it up every night or so.

So this is what would greet my wife whenever she'd get home from work:

I know. I might have gone a bit overboard.

But, hey, it's Christmas.

Holiday Pup-lic Humiliation

Because I apparently have mental issues, I took my dog to have his picture taken with Santa, resulting in one of the saddest, most pathetic faces I have ever seen on any dog EVER:

How friggin adorable is Jax?

Then I got to thinking that this would make some of the best LOLJax pictures so, well, here you go:

He's going to kill me in my sleep.

I just know it.

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES! - My very own "Twas the Night Before Christmas" rewrite

I was kind of shocked to hear this on the news the other day:

 

Some woman spent $200,000 dollars of her own money to have "Twas the Night Before Christmas" rewritten with the entire section about Santa smoking a pipe removed.

This begs two questions:

1) Really?!

and

2) Can I borrow some money?

So I decided to go ONE STEP FURTHER and not only spend NO MONEY doing a rewrite of "Twas the Night Before Christmas," but to make it:

- even MORE politically correct,
- not biased towards any religion and/or holiday, AND
- modernized

You will see in my new version that Santa is now pretty jacked and not a big obese guy that would normally be charged with home invasion.

Enjoy.

There.

That's better.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, etc. etc. to you all. Seriously.

Merry Moog out.

The 2012 Moooooog Family Holiday Letter!!

One of the most - if not THE MOST - popular posts of mine have been:

The Moooooog Family Holiday Letters

Since they are so popular and so much has happened in the past year..

..I decided to do it again.

Please sit back, relax, and enjoy some goddamn holiday misery.

Yep.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Unless you're Jewish. Then it just looks like a regular Sunday.

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Want more Holiday Letter posts? Then go visit "Tribal Blogs" who is right now doing a blog carnival on the topic!

The Bassbuds Review and - boy - do I have a deal for you

I got an email asking if I wanted to review some earbuds called "Bassbuds" on here and - in turn - be able to give YOU, my loyal readers, a great big giant discount on buying some of your own.

If you want to skip the blah-blah-blah and head right to the deal, just skip ahead to the bottom of this post but you're totally missing out on some humor. The more you know.

I had to double-check that these were earbuds because the last time I got something called "BassBuddy" it was a fake singing fish. Not cool. Not cool at ALL, mom.

Of course I said 'yes' because, let's face it: free stuff is free stuff.

If there's one thing I learned from my dad it's "Never turn down free stuff" and if there's two things I learned from my dad it's "Never turn down free stuff" and "children will get a beating if you don't bring their dad beer RIGHT WHEN THEY ASK FOR IT."

I've digressed.

Bassbuds!

My Bassbuds arrived and I promptly unpacked them and they looked really really cool but pink. Pink. FINE.

Luckily, these things come in 20 colors which are great for kids because kids suck when it comes to getting them something the wrong color. You will find this out the way I did when I bought my daughter her 4th pair of ear buds in 3 weeks and made the mistake of getting green because that's all they had left. Hell hath no fury like a 12 year old girl who gets lime green ear buds when she wanted purple with skulls. True story.

Bassbuds are compatible with all SmartPhones and even have an integrated microphone.

However, since I'm too cheap to (a) buy a SmartPhone or (b) afford the plan required for a SmartPhone, I decided to test them out on my $65 iPod Shuffle and my iPod Touch because I'm 87 years old and that's what I own.

So of course I wasted no time in plugging them into my iPod and firing up some Jackson 5 tunes. I mean, um, Billy Joel. I mean Prince. I mean Metallica. Yeah. Metallica and death stuff.

I thought they sounded great and were super comfortable. They have 'memory foam' cushions for your ears which come in different sizes. This is good for me because I have ears the size of thimbles.

WHAT?

They also come with a tangle-free cord which is ALSO good for me because when I'm in the gym listening to Barbara Streisand..um..Slipknot...I usually prance around. This tends to get me kicked out of the gym while simultaneously tangling my cords. So this should help.

Long story short, these things sounded really really good and my daughter gave it 'two thumbs up' in between giving me the pre-teen angst attitude crap.

Regardless, if you're looking for a gift to give to someone who loves music and is looking for some high quality earbuds, I suggest you click on the link below and order yourself a pair. Or two. It's not my money so honestly I don't care how many you get.


***********************
THE DEAL YOU GET:

If you want a pair for yourself, or for a holiday gift for someone else:

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR BASSBUDS

Then, at checkout, enter in this coupon code:

BB59842

This code will give you $30 OFF the price of a pair of Bassbuds!!

(FYI - since they're coming from the UK, the prices are in GBP but the coupon IS taken off at checkout. I confirmed this by buying my own.)

Frosty the Recovering Alcoholic

In keeping with my Christmas theme this week, I present to you a picture of a couple of decorative snowmen I saw in my neighborhood this week.


Man.

The snowmen in my neighborhood sure know how to party.

Rappy Rolidays

Well..I'm right the Hell outta here for Christmas vacation but I'd like to stop and talk to YOU, my fine readers, and thank you for coming by and reading my drivel and mental swill and..seriously...

Wish you the best of everything this holiday season.

With that, I'm outta here but not before showing you some custom crafted Christmas cards I threw together starring my dog, Jax.






On a related note: I designed this by myself without any help from the art schools in Florida.

Happy whatever you celebrate, everyone...even if you celebrate nothing.

See you next week!

Moog out.

Shelf Elf Kama Sutra

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Merry Christmas you cheap bastards

And this is how I wish my coworkers 'Happy Holidays.'


So far? NO DELIVERIES.

Unbelievable.

The stockings were what?!

A lot of people ask me, "How do you have time to write stuff for your blog when you also have a job?" which, to me, actually should be "How do you keep your job when all you do there is write stuff for your blog?"

It's all in the semantics, people.

So I'm sitting here on a Wednesday morning and with Christmas rapidly approaching, had this in my head for whatever reason so I decided to just draw it up and throw it out there.


See?

Stocking hung. Hung stocking.

Semantics, people. Semantics.

Actually, "Guapo the Elf" kinda has a nice ring to it

With Christmas rapidly approaching it was time to break out the old "Elf on a Shelf" for the kids.

If you're not familiar with what an "Elf on a Shelf" is, maybe my answer to someone on Facebook asking the same thing will help:


You're welcome.

So my son is convinced that these Elves are truly magical so he looked at me one night and said:

Son: "OH! I have to write my letter to my Shelf Elf!"

Me: "..um...why?"

Son: "So he can answer it."

Me: "He answers it? How does he answer it?"

Son: "IN GLITTER!"

Me: "...."

It's at this point that I can hear my ex-wife laughing at me because it's 8 pm and my son is writing a letter that he expects to be answered IN GLITTER PEN and guess who doesn't have a glitter pen? That's right. *I* don't have a glitter pen because (a) I'm a guy and (b) I forgot to get a new glitter pen when my last one ran out of glitter pen ink when I was bedazzling my cutoff jean shorts.


Regardless, my son wrote out his questions to his Elf and put it near the front door so that his Elf would magically answer them.

And, lo and behold...

he did.


This is about as dainty as my handwriting gets.

I typically end all my sentences with little heart exclamations, though. Adds a personal touch.

My son is reading this laughing and goes, "The Grinch or Braveheart? What is Braveheart?"

Me: "GREAT movie. Really violent, though. I'm surprised Santa lets him watch it."

Then he gets to the BFF question.

Son: "HAHAHAHA. Guapo the Elf?"

Me: "That actually has kind of a nice ring to it."

Then he flips it over and reads the note on the back:


Yes..I was in the home stretch of this thing and somehow screwed up spelling "Merry" and, instead, started writing "Meery" as in "Meery Creestmas."

Which, actually, sounds like something Guapo the Elf would say.

Sears chat is great at Christmas Tree recommendations

Last year the kids and I got our very first REAL Christmas tree because nothing says 'I have the Spirit of Christmas' like having to vacuum up pine needles out of your carpeting every 5 minutes.

This year, though, my daughter wanted a fake tree and who am I to deny her the thrill of shopping for a $200 pre-lit crappy looking Douglas Fir?

Suffice it to say we spent nearly an entire day going from store to store trying to find a tree that (a) wasn't $300 and (b) didn't look like it belonged in a shelter for homeless trees if it WAS under $300.

Eventually I turned to online shopping where for some reason I decided to chat with Sears support for their recommendations...but for some reason took on the role of some Jewish guy who had no idea how to shop for a tree.

I know. I don't know either sometimes.


I apologize to my Jewish readers for the grammar but even though I have a ton of Jewish friends (2), my only experience in texting/chatting with one is with my buddy, Rob, and he is terrible at using grammar in any form that looks even a slightly correct.

Sadly, Barker didn't comment on my "Jesus is from Oz" comment which I thought tied in to the whole 'gold' concept since there was a 'yellow brick road' and this was all about Christmas.

Just roll with it. It made sense in my head at the time.

Regardless, still needing a tree, I click on the link that Barker sent me.

This is what Barker sent me:


YES.

Because I can't think of any Christmas holiday that isn't complete without a $600 tree that looks like it was dipped in 100 gallons of liquid gold bullion.


..and then Barker and I parted ways and later that evening I ended up going to Target and getting a $200 tree that was kind of skinny and crappy and wasn't even gold.

I should have listened to Barker.

Decorating Your Way to Holiday Failure

If you ever want to feel like a complete and utter failure above and beyond realizing that you probably subscribe to this blog and just laughed at the post where I shit myself or was attacked by shampoo and you may or may not have purchased one of my AMAZING COFFEE MUGS (less than $12!!) then may I suggest the following:

Build a gingerbread ANYTHING.

Example #1: The Gingerbread Shanty

My ex-wife was the first to delve into this shitty idea by first trying to build a "Gingerbread Village" with the kids.

I got this picture message from her while they were working on it:


"What the village is supposed 2 look like"

Immediately followed by this picture message:


"Our ghetto village"

Two seconds later, I get this other text from her:

"We were supposed to get 5 houses. instead we got 4 trailers and a tenament house"

And then I died laughing.

Awesome.

Ex or not, she still makes me crack the Hell up.

Example #2: Jimmy the Very Special Choo-Choo

Shortly after, the kids and I, in a fit of my infinite wisdom, tried to build a gingerbread choo-choo train because, well, I thought it would be a good idea and fun and apparently I'm really stupid.

Just before we started, I Tweeted this:


Seriously - I've installed toilet seats that resulted in building evacuations.

Not so handy.

Regardless, here's what it's supposed to look like:


This is what it ended up like:



Um...


Wow.

The resemblance to the box is uncanny.

Then I Tweeted this:



The highlight of the evening, though, was when my kids posed for pictures with the gingerbread pieces.


Awesome.

Nothing like a little bit of Nazi Germany to brighten up your holiday.

Maybe we should have just eaten the things after that instead of trying to decorate them and hearing my kids say things like, "Well..this is just horrible" and "OH NO IT'S FALLING OVER!" over and over again.

I hear that enough during sex.

Happy Holidays to you and your ghetto villagers.

Moog out.