The year I whacked off and got candy.
Let's hope 2009 is this good.
Today, I bring you a retrospective of the year in "Mental Poo."
Please. Don't get up.
God knows I can't without Levitra.
Regardless, I know I've got some new readers...and the year's end is a time for 'looking back.'
This differs from the 'looking back' that Bubba made me do during my prison stint.
Why that asshole needed eye contact, I have no idea.
But I've digressed.
Here are some things we discussed in 2008:
1) Great Balls of Chocolaty Goodness!
As most of you know, I had my vasectomy done in 2007.
Jesus H. Christ.
I can still hear the nurse laughing.
HOWEVER, I was able to finish my Icky Sticky Advent Calender in 2008.
My wife set me up with the sweet deal of meeting my mandatory 25 ejaculations with a candy bar reward after each one.
You can read about my great finale here:
My Post is Really Long - I Should Whack it for Some Candy
A crowning achievement of that post is when I debut the term:
Listen...I don't have much. Let me have my moment.
2) "Dear Moog" makes it's inaugural debut
I debuted my advice column:
..on February 8th, 2008.
Here is the very first letter.
To see all the letters that followed, click here.
To submit a "Dear Moog" letter, click here.
Bad advice knows no boundaries.
3) I Go Under the Fucking Knife AGAIN
Well...not the "fucking knife."
That would be horrible and not even a little sexy.
I get shoulder surgery.
It's at this point in my life that I begin to consider that I'm completely falling apart.
...my ear just fell off.
4) My Mississippi Business Trip Goes Horribly, Horribly Wrong
Bullets. Death. Urine.
Ah...life in Mississippi.
As told by one short little guy from New Hampshire who damn near shit his pants every single fucking horrible ass-eating day I was there.
Day 1 - the terror at my arrival
Day 2 - bullets and the barricade
Day 3 - epilogue
5) I Create "Moog's Movie Reviews"
I branch off and create a movie review site:
Moog's Movie Reviews
People everywhere, around the world, continue to not give a shit.
6) I Go to Seattle
All the travelogue episodes are here.
Homeless people everywhere say:
My eyes are eaten by yellow snowflies!
Don't listen to homeless people.
They're fucking crazy.
7) I Turned 40
Yep...I turned 40 years old.
Young, nubile chicks everywhere flee.
No different than usual...really.
8) Happy Anniversary, Loser
I debut my wife's anniversary present here on this blog.
I'm a narcissist.
Which, I believe, means I screw dead people.
Here's to a decent 2009 for you all.
Thanks for sticking around.
Send money. That would make 2009 really good.
Thanks in advance.