Sweating Cream and Antioxidants | Mental Poo

Monday, January 05, 2009

Sweating Cream and Antioxidants

Like a crazy monkey on Ritalin who JUST WANTS HIS FUCKING BANANA...

I'm back.

Actually, rereading that, I guess I didn't make much sense there.

Welcome to my world.

It turns out that I somehow managed to survive another holiday.

HOW I've managed to do this while eating enough cake and pie to equal the weight of Rosie O'Donnell and that chick from Hairspray in a lesbian cellulose-filled camel-toe love lock, is beyond me.

Oh...nevermind...I know see how I've done it:

I write shit like that and it makes me throw up.

I ate a lot of pie.

Not THAT kind of pie, you sick bastards...

...the kind with crust on it.

Like, Cher's.


Soon I shall be back into my size 4 jeans!

I wear woman's jeans.

But I've digressed.

My wife is an excellent baker. Cakes...cookies...homemade chocolate covered pretzels...pies...you name it she can make it...

...and make it GOOD.

How she can manage to swing this ability while still being the only woman I've ever known to burn water is beyond me.

Baking is pretty much my wife's cooking talent.

Suppers? Meals?

Not so much.

You see...

We ran out of ketchup last week.

Normal Household:

Husband: "Oh...hey honey..we're out of ketchup."

Wife: "Okay...I'll pick some up this weekend at the store."

Our Household:


* alarm sounds

Wife: "What?!?!? How did this happen?!? What will the kids eat, now?!?"

Kids: "We're gonna die, aren't we?"

Husband: "I'll run out right now and get ketchup...there's only 6 inches of snow on the ground and I think this sleet will stop soon."

Wife: "I've never loved you."

It gets pretty rough in my house when we're out of ketchup.

I would assume it's similar to when one of those Sally Struther's countries runs out of that white pasty shit we always see them eating on TV with their fingers.


* flies begin landing on their kids

Actually...this is no different than normal.

Kids: "Yummy! Flies! Where's the ketchup?"

Nik-Nuk: "No ketchup, kids."

* kids begin eating each other

Nik-Nuk: "I'll go get some ketchup. However, I don't think we know anyone that can grow tomatoes in sand and 120-degree heat."

Mic-Nik-Naloonga: "I've never loved you."

Poor Nik-Nuk.

All he wanted was for something to dip his termites in.

So, I guess I suppose it could be worse.

I mean, at least my wife has water to burn.

Seriously...you see should see that shit. It's like nature in reverse.

I'm never getting pie again.

Either kind.


Anonymous said...

The same thing happens to me when I run out of crack/cocaine.

Christina_the_wench said...

You FEED your kids? Are we suppose to do that? I thought they were just hanging around for the tax deduction.

Dammit to hell.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I"m eating white pasty shit for breakfast. It's pretty tasty.

(I dislike ketchup.)

My husband goes back on his diet today. I'm eating pasty shit on his behalf.

LBluca77 said...

A home with no ketchup is not a happy home. At least you are a size 4. There is always a bright side.

Blonde Goddess said...

I'm not an expert on this or anything but I'm thinking that the wife won't be making pie, cakes, cookies, nuttin...if you're not willing to...ahem...eat a little pie.

Hell,if I were her I wouldn't even burn water for you.

(Maybe if she puts ketchup on it, you'd reconsider?)

Rahul said...

I thought ketchup was what those kids were eating in Africa?

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: When did they put a 'slash' into crack cocaine?

Christina: If you don't feed them, they wilt and die and - thus - no tax deduction.

I learned this from the IRS.

Becky: Knowing you, ten bucks says the white pasty shit is FROM your husband.

lbluca: I have no idea what a size 4 even is. I'm guessing it's smaller than a 5. Am I right? Am I right?

BG: Oh, the offers I make!

rs27: no..no...you're thinking about hyenas.

Mike said...

I have gained almost fifty pounds since I stopped smoking. I am going to declare myself a third world nation soon.

We're out of ketchup too, but that is because I drank it. I don't normally drink ketchup, but we were out of mayonnaise.

Coffeypot said...

Actually it's not a pie. It looks more like a tacho.

Bon Don said...

Size 4 huh? I'm jealous. I think it has something to do with your ketchup & burnt water diet!

Diva's Thoughts said...

Something is so very wrong with you! lol

Hungry Mother said...

I ate enough cake to fill Rosie's hoo-haw. I haven't eaten any chocolate pretzels since I saw "Mallrats."

Me said...

Nik Nuk??? Love that name.

Did you make that motivational poster? It's one of your funniest ones if so.

Seeing that you labeled this post "Cher has a crusty vulva like a pot pie" one would assume that you have more crusty vulva stories to share???

Don't leave us hanging...

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: 50 pounds?

I could probably replace Rosie's head with yours up there.

Sorry. Scratch that. Bad idea.

Coffeepot: What's a tacho? Like a taco-nacho? IS THERE A NEW MEXICAN TREAT ABOUNDING?!?

Bon Don: Yes...my left thigh is a size 4.

I have no idea what that shit means.

Tee: This is coming to you just now?

Hungry: The fact that you WANT to fill Rosie's hoo-haw is enough for me. What will you be driving?

Smiley: I did make that poster, thank you.

All I know now is that I don't want pot pie anymore. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Ketchup is a staple at our house as well. I think the kids would kill us in our sleep if we ever ran out of it.

Crusty pie? Seriously, did you have to got there?!! What the hell am I saying -- of course you did!


Anonymous said...


I hate typos!

Malicious Intent said...

What kind of pie does she make?

I had wenches, and a mad hatter....you got pie. I win!

Colleen said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who bakes but yet can't cook. They are both in the kitchen so you would think if one can bake you should be able to cook, so not true. Thankfully I can live off cookies (the peanut butter ones have protein).

fiona said...

Well look at the 2009 you!
All saucy and slim, "I'm lovin it"

Malach the Merciless said...

MMMMMM - Burnt Water

Anonymous said...

Thank god I am not the only one who BURNS water.

Kellie said...

In my house the "ketchup" is ranch. I need ranch. W/o it I turn into a psycho screaming bitch. Although my husband may say I am like that regardless. He's lying.

Anonymous said...

First. I'm scarred by that fat chick picture. Ech.

Second. Ketchup is a food group. Go to Sam's and stock up dude.

Anonymous said...

Are you insinuating that there is something WRONG with feeding your kids nothing but ketchup? Because, if so, I'm going to have some serious therapy bills to pay one day.

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