Ice, Ice Baby | Mental Poo

Monday, December 15, 2008

Ice, Ice Baby

Damn you water...WHY MUST YOU FREEZE?!?!

Stupid science.

If you haven't heard, the Northeast United States got socked with an ice storm this past weekend.

This left 1.25 million people and businesses without power.

I was one of those people.

At about midnight, Thursday, our power went out and stayed out for over 36 fucking hours as temperatures in Southern New Hampshire hovered around 22 degrees.

(that's 22 degrees Farenheit...I have no idea what that is in Celsius...maybe -712.pi or some shit...honestly...I don't give a shit about Celsius).

As I write this, about 250,000 people are still without power.



Here's what I learned during our family's ordeal:

1) Everyone goes out for breakfast when the power goes out

At about 9:00 a.m on Friday morning, it was starting to get really cold in the house. We decided to pack up the kids and drive around looking at all the tree damage...and then decided to try to find breakfast.

Apparently, everyone else had this idea.

IHOP - which had power - was fucking packed.

We waited about 30 minutes in a waiting area roughly the size of my colon.

On a related note, IHOP'S "stuffed french toast" is the greatest invention ever made.

I would have sex with strawberry stuffed french toast if I could guarantee that they wouldn't throw me out of the restaurant.


2) I feel for those who must go without

My family and I had to stay at a hotel on Friday night.

As with the IHOP idea, everyone else had this same thought as the nearest hotel I could get into was 20 friggin' miles away.

However, as I sat there in the hotel room on my double bed...

...with my kids sitting next to us on their double bed, I started to think.

I started to think about people who, you know...

...are less fortunate than myself.

People who have to deal with these things EVERY day.

Things like:

a) holy crap...I can't watch this 32" inch non-HD television after being used to my 60" HD Sony.

Do some people actually still HAVE televisions like this?

Those poor things!

Their HBO On-Demand must suck!

b) What's in these pillows? Foam?!

MY GOD do people sleep without down pillows?!?

c) Somewhere...out there...a family can only afford a room with one double bed and maybe a pull-out sofa.

Some people may only be able to afford a single king in a SMOKING room.

We should count our blessings.


...this shit tugs at your heartstrings.

3) I've been to Hell

That's right.

I've seen the bowels of Hell itself, and the darkest side of mankind.

Yes, I'm talking about:

The free continental breakfast you get at the hotel.

Jesus H. Christ.

It's like a subway station in New York at rush hour, except there's a table of free muffins there.

Hell gets WAY worse if there are those "do-it-yourself waffle makers" in the room and either one is broken or the fucking moron in front of you has no fucking idea how to USE THE THING ALL I WANT TO DO IS MAKE A FUCKING WAFFLE!!

That's some serious "Book of Revelation" shit right there, my friends.

4) Pre-Pubescent Girls are Stupid

There we are, family of four waiting for a table to clear up at this stupid fucking breakfast thing...

...while two girls, maybe 12/13 years old are sitting at a four-person table.

One of them is drinking cocoa.

The other one is peeling an orange. But not just peeling the fucking has to make sure that EVERY SINGLE BIT OF PEEL OR THAT WEIRD WHITE STUFF is off the orange.

This takes 3 hours.


This is why the Little Rascals started the "He Man Woman-Haters Club."

Because of a cocoa incident at a Marriott.

Really. Can't blame 'em.

5) My neighbors hate me

My neighbors had all or some of the following happen:

a) trees fall on their houses
b) giant branches crack off and fall in their yards
c) power lines ripped from their homes
d) flood damage from the rising river behind my house



Not a branch down, not a drop of water...anywhere on my property.

My neighbor was talking to my wife:

Neighbor: Man...we've got a foot of water in our basement...the electric service has been ripped from the side of the house...and look...this branch has torn through our wooden picket fence.

Wife: Wow. That's horrible.

Neighbor: What's your damage?

Wife: Um...nothing.

* cricket

Neighbor: No branches down? No water in your basement? No damage...anywhere?

Wife: Nope.

Neighbor: Wow. Must be nice to be the Schwarzenneger's.*

* Last name changed. I think this is appropriate for a made-up last name since I'm quite the physical specimen.

So - we've got power now.

And I'm very thankful for this.

So thankful, in fact, that I'm going to celebrate by playing my XBOX 360 for about two hours.

Either that, or maybe I'll play with the Wii.

I haven't decided.

So, let's reflect and think about those less fortunate than ourselves.

Some people only have an old Playstation or something.

Sad, really. Makes you think.

Moog out.


Christina_the_wench said...

Dude, you're tugging at my cold black heart strings. Let go.

Anonymous said...

I really, really, really really really really feel for you.

Also, when society falls I'm going to stand over your carcass and laugh.

And maybe eat your ass muscles if i'm hungry.

Maybe in a sandwich.

With onion, swiss cheese and a bit of grey poupon.


LBluca77 said...

I am glad you and the family are back home and warm and toasty. I would die without my tv. My old neighbor used to have the antenna on his tv. I felt so bad. I mean who lives like that?

Moooooog35 said...

Christina: I know...I know. Maybe I can let one of these people have my 10% off at Best Buy coupons. No..nevermind..I can save $2 on "The Dark Knight" I'm gonna do THAT.

Mike: Your gonna toss my salad when I'm dead? Where's my fun in that?

Lbluca: Tell me about it. We have 8 televisions in our house, including a 15" LCD - yes, this is true - in my master bathroom.

How I manage to actually poop less than an hour at a time while watching Sportcenter in there is still a mystery that needs to be solved.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I only have an old Playstation and I'm happy I tell you. HAPPY.

And I live in NV, in a location that's damned cold but there isn't much snow. HAPPPPY.

And, I hate ice on my boobs. That's not sexy. That's not fun. Cold boobs makes me angry.

MJenks said...

About two weeks after I moved to North By God Carolina back in 2002 we had a huge ice storm. And by huge I mean a little bit of ice, but since this is the South, everything with "ice" in the name gets blown out of proportion.

We were without power for nine days. I had to go stay with my in-laws in Charlotte, which was hellish. And the douchebags who ran the company where I worked at the time wouldn't let me take sick time or anything because I had just started a week prior and it was against company policy to approve any time off before 90 days.

So, yeah, it can be worse. I hope I never have to live like the other half ever again.

Unknown said...

I was also without power for 24 hours this weekend. No internet! No tv! For 24 hours! My god, is Canada a third world country now?

fiona said...

Felt compelled to join the Salvation Army after reading this post. Thanks for that.

Rahul said...

what kind of hotel has a 32 inch tv? Thats huge for a hotel. Where were you staying? Buckingham palace?

Kellie said...

We were talking about this last weekend. We figured out that we have 5 TVs for 2 people. That's a bit extreme. I do feel kind of bad about it. But as I recline back to watch the 46" flat screen hung to my wall I suddenly forget what I was feeling bad about.

Oh and "Cold as Ice" is currently on my DVR courtesy of my hubs. That movie is so utterly horrible it is good.

Moooooog35 said...

Becky: You're happy with your Playstation? No kidding. Hey..I have an Intellivision I'm looking to get rid of. Interested?

the indfififghublblbl mknks: I thought 'ice' in Carolina meant 'crystal meth.'

Meghan: FYI...aside from the rip joints, Canada has always been a 3rd World Country.

Fiona: nice bell.

rs27: yes. They've moved Buckingham Palace to Woburn, Massachusetts. Right next to a 99 Restaurant.

Kellie: We have 8 TV's for four people. I'd do the math, but I think your ration is higher than mine. I may have to buy a new set.

HeyJoe said...

Dude, I have a 32", non HD TV. And it sucks. The buttons are broken so when the kids lose the remote (every fucking day) I can't watch TV until I find it, which normally requires ripping the couch apart and digging underneath through all the dust and midgets and food and rat shit.

Thanks for reminding me.

Malach the Merciless said...

On that day, here is Southeastern MA, it was 60 and raining, and working like I do with pre and post pubescient girls . . . man do I HATE THEM ALL!

Anonymous said...

IHOP'S "stuffed french toast" is the greatest invention ever made.

Im surprised you are just now finding that out.

Diva said...

I'm glad you didn't freeze your nads off, brother.


Anonymous said...

Pfft, pussy. My house was without power for a week and a half, and this telephone pole that's placed right at the foot of our fucking driveway for some reason tipped over nearly killing my neighbor's house, and blocked off our entire driveway, so we were basically trapped unless someone else wanted to come from somewhere else and pick us up.

PS? My non-HD, 2003 brick of a TV, is 13 inches. I also don't have On Demand.


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