Tis the F*cking Season | Mental Poo

Monday, December 22, 2008

Tis the F*cking Season

Joy to the World!

Nah...fuck 'em.


Just a sampling of how joyous the fucking holidays make me feel.

Things I've caught myself saying in the past few days:

Catch the spirit!

********************
Scene #1:

Walking up the stairs with Kristin in my work building, looking at the 60 mph wind gusts outside.


Kristin: "Holy shit. Look at this wind."

Me: "I should go home and let my dog out. Maybe she'll fucking blow away. "

I hate my dog.

****************
Scene #2:

Standing in the "Self Checkout" line holding a venus flytrap (don't ask) while waiting for a guy to finish bagging his groceries himself.


* 10 minutes pass

Me: "Jesus H. Christ. How stupid is this guy? Just scan your shit, dude."

Wife: "Shhhhh.. you're so rude."

Me: "Seriously. All I have is a fucking venus flytrap and this fat douche has been up here trying to scan his shit for a fucking hour."

(people behind us smile nervously)

Wife: "You're very loud."

Me: "Oh. Yippee. He's asking for cigarettes now. This is awesome."

Wife: "Cut it out."

Me: "On the bright side, with any luck, he'll be dead from cancer soon."

*********************
Scenes #3, 4, 5, 6 and 7:

Behind anyone, anywhere, while driving in my car.


Scene #3:

Sitting at a 3-way (OOOH! A 3-way!) stop with NOT A SINGLE OTHER FUCKING PERSON IN SIGHT while this asshole just sits there waiting to turn:

Me: "JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY WILL YOU JUST TURN THE FUCKING CORNER?!? TURN!! MOTHERFUCKER TURN!! NO ONE IS COMING!!"

Ahem.

I wanted him to, you know...GO.


***************
Scenes #4, 5, 6 and 7:

Stuck behind slow, stupid pricks:

Me: "Seriously, dude. If you don't drive that thing I'm going to reach in and pull you out of your car by your fucking hair."

Road rage road-side beatings: The perfect gift!

Me: "Asshole, it's the little pedal on the right!"

I swear some people have no idea where the fucking gas pedal is.

Me: "Good thing you bought the fucking turbo version, douche."

Why do people by the turbo/supercharged versions of cars if they're just going to drive the fucking speed limit, or under it? Use the goddamn thing.

Me: "C'mon, grandpa...fucking move it...you're gonna be dead soon."

Seriously.

You'd think old people would want to drive FASTER.

I mean, how much time do they really have left?

You think they'd want to get to where they're fucking going as soon as possible before they kick it.

*****************
Happy Fucking Holidays.

Now...get out of my way.

Asshole.

23 comments:

Malicious Intent said...

Awe, poor little grumpy wumpy.

Nothing different now than any other time execpt that holidays are magical. They magically make everything that much more fucking irritating, except with turkey and gravy.

Christina_the_wench said...

OLd people are mean and they will kick your ass. Watch yer back, dude.

Merry Christmas, ya' grumpy bastard.

LBluca77 said...

Amen Sister!!

The holidays suck!! This year it seems to be even worse.

HorribleLicensePlates said...

That sign is so funny. I have to get one of those. Most people on the roads are morons.

Practically Joe said...

You are invited to
Join the sing along at PracticallyWisdom.com

Dr Zibbs said...

You should have stabbed him in the neck with a pen then blamed it on the venus flytrap.

Poetry Sue said...

Amen my brutha! Eff the holidays this year.... bah effin hum bug

moooooog35 said...

MI: I'm not any more irritated than usual. This is pretty much par for the course.

Christina: I know...I'm just about one of them.

lbluca: sister? is my mangina showing?

Horrible: I8UB4. FAHQ. RUGAY. JAYLB8.

Those have nothing to do with anything.

Prac: I only sing if there's sixpence involved.

Dr Zibbs: Hindsight is always 20/20.

Poetry: You sound happy.

AngieSS said...

Hehehehe

Merry Fucking Christmas to you too, Grinch!!!

I'd like to say that I don't share your views, but dammit I totally do.

Now, I'm getting out of the fucking way --- sheesh, pass already!!!

:)

Mike said...

You're such a bitter bastard ;)

meleah rebeccah said...

ROTFLMAO. I loved the "Self Checkout" scene. Classic.

wolf said...

I remain convinced that the use of the gas pedal is a dying art. Especially in Alaska.

moooooog35 said...

AngieSS: Hey, Hey...watch your language!

Mike: I've heard I'm only bitter when I eat certain foods.

Wait...what?

Meleah: Yeah. Classic. Dumbest inventions ever.

Wolf: Sled dogs have gas pedals?!?!

fiona said...

Oh my. You seem a wee bit stressed dear. You need a good stiff one. That'll cheer you up! :-)

moooooog35 said...

fiona: I was about to suggest the same for you, too.

Oh...you mean a drink?

Nevermind.

coffeypot said...

I agree with you on the driving habits of others. The thing that burns my balls (other than jockstrap fill of Sterno) is going 80 mph up the highway and come upon a semi and a car following it. Inevitably the car will change lanes into the fast lane and sit there. Not pass the fucker or even speed up. Makes me wish is had a 'cow catcher' on the front of the van. I have thought of carrying a paintball gun for those special moments on the highway.

LiLu said...

Still that bad out there, huh? It's a good thing I don't drive anymore.

I like my brain un-hemmorhaged.

Bon Don said...

I think my blood pressure has risen from reading this! I always have road rage, and stories like these make me happy that I'm not alone!
*Bon Don*

Mike said...

Christmas is just like any other day. Except for the tree, the presents, the decorations, the good food, and Santa Claus.

catscratch said...

Aren't you just a little holiday ray of sunshine??

I hate Christmas. It flat pisses me off.

Malach the Merciless said...

HAHAHAHA . .. Road Rage entertains me, it's so stupid!

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

I feel your roadrage.

Get the FUCK out of my way ... I'm in a hurry, I don't want to spend the entire day in my car so if you don't want to move, get outta my way!

I need a vaporizer gun.

Patyrish said...

Scene TWO always always ALWAYS happens to me at WalmarT.

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