The Unfortunate Cockring Incident | Mental Poo

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Unfortunate Cockring Incident

Bill Gates blows donkeys.

Asshole.

Hope he chokes on the f*cking thing.

Let me explain.


I was Instant Messaging one of our software developers the other day.

I choose Instant Messaging over face-to-face talks with software developers for two simple reasons:

1) I'm wicked fucking lazy

Seriously.

I don't even like walking to my goddamn car.

I've considered buying a Segway so I could ride it to my car to avoid the walk.

But then, I'd have to walk to my car to go to the Segway dealership, and that's kind of defeating the whole point.

I don't like moving if I don't have to.

This also explains why my chair at home is covered in feces.


2) Software developers a usually creepy freaks of nature

In any company, pick the one guy who would be voted "Most Likely to Come Back After Being Fired and Kill Everyone with an Uzi"...

...and, chances are, he's a software developer.

There are three types of software developers:






Here's how to see if a guy in the workplace is a software developer:

a) Does he/she wear t-shirts that have shit you don't understand on them, or a shirt that they've owned since the late 80's?

Like this:



..or this:



LOOK OUT, LADIES!!

b) Does he/she avoid eye contact at all costs?

Software Developers typically have all the people skills of a steaming brown pile of shit.

Like this asshole.


Barry is single.

Barry likes bridge.

Barry stutters when he yells.

Barry also bears the dubious distinction of being the only man I've ever threatened with physical violence in the workplace.

TWICE.

So, yeah...he has the people skills of a steaming brown pile of shit.

Actually, sometimes my poop has a pretty good personality.

Especially when I put those googly eyes on it and use the corn as it's nose.

Me: "Well hello, Mr. Brown!"

Lunch time is fun!

Where was I?

Oh yeah...

I was Instant Messaging with the software guy.

The developer wanted me to test something with one of our software applications.

While I've got this IM window up on my laptop...

...I open the application up.

I get the application's "Login" window.

This requires me to enter in my system password.

So, I do it.

I enter in my system password.

I hit (ENTER).

Then...

...I look up.

Oh. No.

Turns out that I did NOT send my password to the application.

Nope. I did not.

I sent it to the f*cking developer guy.


Here's what sending my fucking password to the guy looked like.

Yeah. Dumb fuck.

******************

midgetmanofsteel: okay...trying it out now.

Developer Guy: The document that I emailed you talks about how to create an alarm from this event. No matter what the severity they would still need to follow the same steps.

midgetmanofsteel: C0ck;ring

******************

*cricket

Oh. No.

Yep - my password is "C0ck;ring"

Fuckity fuck fuck.

I can't imagine what this guy was doing...

...just sitting there...

...minding his own business talking to a software tester when, out of the blue comes:

C0ck;ring

Ugh.

****************

* long pause

midgetmanofsteel: woops - great...now you know my system password.

midgetmanofsteel:
stupid Windows

midgetmanofsteel: ...waiting for HR...

****************

I had never met this guy before.

I had no idea how he would react to me sending him the just the fucking word:

"C0ck;ring."

I was hoping it wouldn't be any of these:

1) "Are you asking me? Of course!"
2) "What did you call me?"
3) "You should pump my anus without lube!"

No. It was none of those.

Here's what he said:

*******************

Developer Guy: Rodney, that's more than I ever wanted to know about you.

*******************

Phew.

Thank Christ.

But now I have to change my password.

I'm thinking, maybe,

"Ass;F1sting"

Too easy?

24 comments:

Susan said...

Aside from the fact that your first line about Bill Gates blowing a donkey "freaked" me out [as I'm in the midst of writing a disturbing beastiality post], I have to say that 1) "cock;ring" is a pretty sweet and cool password; and 2) I loved your descriptions of terroristic software employees. Priceless.

Mike said...

For the segway, you forgot that you'd have to lift it into your car, unless you build a special segway ramp.

Christina_the_wench said...

Instead of a Segway, I have student employees. God, I love my laziness.

LBluca77 said...

Oh my god I was thinking the same thing Mike was. That is kinda freaky.

You know anyone that works in any kind of software IT computer job are always freaks. I think it is actually in the job description. I have seen it on yahoo jobs.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

You are a nut case!!! lol Lucky for you I have a affinity for the mentally challenged.

fiona said...

Change it to something that'll be cool if you make the same mistake again, I'm thinking...
"Urfukin00gly"
"AssUmFeckOl"
"WhatUl00kin@"
or just plain old
"FU:Iassedup"
Just suggestions!

Narm said...

How about T0mBradyL1ck5D1ck5

or B1gP@p1pwnsmyassh0le

Thats right, paybacks for your Patriots comment.

Smileygirl said...

Suddenly I feel sympathy for everyone you interact with in the office. You know the developer googled cock ring and will probably get fired for it this week.

By the way, any chance you made peanut butter cookies lately? Just curious, you know with the salmonella outbreak going on...

(why do you have peanut butter on your cock ring?)

Becky..AMHW said...

There are a whole variety of "adult products" you could rearrange spelling for as your password. You do not have to stay in the C0ck;ring section of the adult superstore. Buncha wankers over in that corner anyway. I think you'd find visiting the
AnLL8ead5 section of the store most delightful.

However, if you head over to the
8l0w:^D0ll section, know that the Developer Guy might just think you are a bit more sad than had you met him by the C0ck;rings.

Excuse me, I'm going to look at the 5trap:on5.

moooooog35 said...

Susan: Beastiality is disturbing?

Mike: No..I'd just leave it there. Like cripples who take their wheelchairs to their cars. You don't see THEM packing up their shit and put it in their car do you? Do you?

Hey! Another free wheelchair!

Christina: Send pics.

Lbluca: I suppose that makes sens...AAARGH! HE'S GOT A RIFLE!!!

Tee: Lucky for you, the mentally challenged don't understand the word, "affinity."

Neither do I.

Fiona: I smell a new search poll!

Narm: Oooooh. Good one. Enjoy another year of drought.

Admit it, too...you want to bang Tom Brady's chin dimple.

Smiley: You know...my wife's been feeding me a ton of peanut butter stuff lately.

Becky: Very creative. No wonder you're so good at sewing shit.

Giggle Pixie said...

Excellent!! ROTFLMAO!!!!

HeyJoe said...

Good thing Developer Guy does not read your blog, I mean if he's concerned about knowing too much about you...

Kellie said...

OMG, this has just made my day. My day has been extremely dull until now. I wish I had read this earlier. I once saw someone fall off a Segway while on a Segway tour of Minneapolis. Talk about gay. Seriously, a Segway tour? Get a life. Served him right to fall on his face in the middle of the street.

Bon Don said...

Again with the laughing out loud, I'm going to get fired if I keep reading your blog at work! I am offically changing my password now!

c.watson said...

Ha thanks your second password made me laugh and get funny looks.

As I live in silicon valley these guys are the norm around here.

I know lucky me...

Malach the Merciless said...

So when is the date between you two lovebirds?

Alaina said...

Giggled
Snorted
Choked

Thanks.

moooooog35 said...

Giggle Pixie: Get up off the floor. You're embarrassing yourself.

HeyJoe: Good Point.

Kellie: Segway tours of Minnesota? Do the Segways have snow tires?

BonDon: You should see me at work laughing as I write it! I love myself.

Literally.

C.Watson: Lucky, lucky you.

Malach: As soon as I leave your house this afternoon.

Alaina: Farted. Burped. Pooped. You're welcome.

Patyrish said...

Seriously you leave me speechless and with a HUGE GRIN on my face.

HILARIOUS!

LOVE YOUR BLOG.

moooooog35 said...

Patyrish: Interesting.

Usually, women leave me with a speechless, "What the fuck was that?!?" look on their face.

meleah rebeccah said...

Wow. Barry's hot.

Opto-Mom said...

Barry looks like he's wearing a ferret on his chin. What an Anl;plg.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds uses for the corn. Maybe we're soulmates???

Stacyonthecouch said...

great. now I have soup all down my sweater from laughing so hard while trying to drink it from my tray.

Life in the mom lane said...

Just when I thought you couldn't get any funnier!!! *LMAO*

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