The Domesticated Eunich | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Domesticated Eunich


Before I start today...

...got a new movie review of The Tale of Despereaux over on Moog's Movie Reviews.

If I see another movie with an animated rodent in it within the next twelve months, I shall kill myself.

Carry on.

************************

If our Homeland Security policy revolved around my ability to make a cookie…

…we’d all be fucking camels right now.

You know...

...more than usual.

On a related note, my junk smells like Al Qaeda.

Let me explain.

This past Sunday, my wife took my 5 year old son to one of his girl classmates’ birthday party.

He was the only boy invited.

My wife told me that all the girls were all over him – hugging him, holding his hand.

The kid, I tell you, is a playah.

Don’t think that I don’t know that girls also flock like this to homosexual men.

But I’m sticking with the notion that he’s a ladies man.

It’s how I stop myself from crying myself to sleep.

I’ve digressed.


While my wife was out with my son, I had the honor of staying with my 8 year old daughter.

I planned on taking her out to lunch. A nice day out.

Then, my wife reached down and removed my testicles.

Wife: “Oh. While you’re out, go get her a new leotard.”

*ploink

(that’s the sound of my left nut being removed)

Me: “What’s a leotard look like?”

Son: “Well dad, it’s a…”

Me: “YOU ARE NOT GAY!”

Sorry. Sorry.

Wife: "You're not serious, are you? You don't know what a leotard is?"

Me: "Of course I know."

(I have no idea)


Fine. I’ll stop and get her a leotard.

At least I still have one ball left.

Wife: “Oh – and when you get home, you two can bake Snickerdoodles!”

*ploink

Fuck.

Snickerdoodles.

A Snickerdoodle is a cookie. A wonderful, delicious cookie.

I know this, because my wife made Snickerdoodles with the kids a week ago, and I ate 43 of them within 20 minutes.

THEY’RE SNICKERLICIOUS!! (trademark pending)

But I’ve never MADE a Snickerdoodle.

Before I knew that a Snickerdoodle was a cookie, I thought it was the thing that my college girlfriend used to do to my bunghole when I was drunk enough to let her.

Tequila numbs my sphincter.


Wife: “They’re the easiest cookie in the world to make. The recipe is on the counter.”

Fine. We’ll make fucking Snickerdoodles.

Me: "Here, honey, I've saved you some time and snapped my penis off for you."

First stop – the leotard.

We stopped at the local Walmart where – for the first time ever – I was not greeted by anyone.

No elderly man.

No elderly woman.

No person with some distinct mental handicap.

No person with no visible deformities but still harboring a deep desire to KILL KILL KILL THE INFIDELS IN MY HEAD!!!!


No one. Kinda depressing.

Like Cinderella said, You don’t know what you’ve got…till it’s gone.”

I miss the 80’s.

After wandering around the Girl’s Department in Walmart for a fucking half hour looking for a leotard we finally found one in the ‘socks’ section (how is this thing possibly fucking footwear?) and headed home.

Snickerdoodle time.

(queue MC Hammer)



For being “one of the easiest cookies to make,” I have to tell you that the sheer amount of crap you have to put into a fucking cookie threw me off guard.

My kitchen island looked like afterbirth while I was trying to make these fucking things.

Shit. Everywhere.


After not softening the butter enough, and realizing that I had two different mixer-spinny-things in the mixer which almost broke the fucking thing, and telling my daughter to NOT LICK YOUR HANDS THOSE WERE RAW EGGS, and deciding to nuke the batter to melt the butter a little and then making big balls of dough (hey! Maybe I can attach THESE!) we were ready to cook those little bastards.

They didn’t cook.

I gave up trying to cook them when they went 4 minutes over the time the recipe said to cook them and they still looked like my balls on a hot summer day.

(note to myself to try sprinkling cinnamon sugar on my nads...the dog should like that)

I looked at my cookies.

I looked at the old batch.

My wife’s cookies looked like cookies.

My cookies looked like giant piles of light brown shit.


Daughter: “Maybe we should just start over.”

Me: “Fuck that shit. Eat your goddamn cookies.”

Ungrateful little shit.

Here I am having quality time with my daughter making undercooked, giant Salmonella-infested shit-looking cookies while my kitchen looks like a rhino tried fucking a box of flour in here…

…and she wants to fucking start over?

I don't think so.

Next time, I’m doing the birthday party thing.

At least I can watch my son score 5 year old chicks at the rollerskating party.

Yeah, it was a rollerskating party.

That’s manly, right?

RIGHT?!?!

I’m crying myself to sleep tonight. I just know it.

28 comments:

Blonde Goddess said...

Your cookies look delicious....especially the green one.
It reminds me of the special "snacks" I used to find under my desk in 2nd grade.

I wonder, is there hair in your cookies too?

LiLu said...

You just made me snarf bacon. That's hard to do.

Also, I'd like my bacon back please.

Giggle Pixie said...

When I was about 7 my mom had gallbladder surgery, and one Sunday while she was home recovering she asked my dad to help me bake brownies. We were doing great (of course it was a boxed brownie mix!) until he read the part that said "mix by hand...". He told me to put my hand in the bowl and start mixing. I can still hear my mom yelling from the bedroom "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Kellie said...

I thought you were going to say you forgot to turn the oven on... I personally like cookies that are under cooked. They are soft and gooey deliciousness. :) Go ahead. Say something dirty to that. I know you want to.

meleah rebeccah said...

"Here I am having quality time with my daughter making undercooked, giant Salmonella-infested shit-looking cookies while my kitchen looks like a rhino tried fucking a box of flour in here…"

I laughed so hard my rib cage HURTS.

Hey at least you finally got your daughter a leotard.

PkmnTrainerJ said...

Don't be silly moog. Cam (Is it Cam?) is a kung fu master. We all know people that do kung fu can't be gay.

Also under-cooked cookies never affected me in any-DERP! WELCOME TO WAL-MAERT!

I mean...

Loni's World said...

As always Hilarious!
Oh so thats why...
You have been TAGGED! Head over to my page and check out what I have in store for you.

Bon Don said...

I made Leo-Tard my wallpaper, his hair is absolutely “fabulous”!

How cute are you!? … Baking and Leotard shopping, do you also make the "Awwww" sound when you see puppies and rainbows and cry during sad commercials?

Now go out and redeem yourself, do something manly like hunting or find the biggest guy and arm wrestle till the death!

*Bon Don*

Mike said...

Dooood

You're going to have to have a man to man with your son to make sure that he isn't the pretty girls best friend later on.

They don't get laid.

They watch their HOT friends fuck the foot ball star.

YOU NEED TO STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING AT ALL COSTS!

Malicious Intent said...

Jesus H. Christ. Dumb ass...next time go to the local bakery, buy the cookies and some cinnamon candles and then pay off your daughter to keep her mouth shut or she won't ever see those leotards again. Now that is serious bonding time.

Also, you prolly forgot the baking soda.

And yes, they are one of the easiest cookies to make.

I am so very disappointed in you right now.

catscratch said...

Did you get your balls back yet?

LBluca77 said...

Looks like you had yourself a fun day being a girl.

Malach the Merciless said...

I LOVE hanging with my little girl!

AMANDA said...

Yes, totally manly...totally cool...

moooooog35 said...

BG: I DO have hair in my cookies, but it's blonde.

Maybe you should come claim it.

LiLu: Sorry, hon - finders keepers.

GigglePixie: Why? Were your hands someplace they shouldn't have been?

Kellie: Soft and gooey deliciousness?

Great. Now I want boobs.

I guess you were right.

Meleah: Maybe you can get your new man to massage those ribs for you. I'm sure he'll do it out of the kindness of his heart.

Pkmn: Good point. Wait...is Ralph Macchio STRAIGHT?!?

Loni: I'll head over...although I only like to be tagged during orgies.

Bon Don: I redeemed myself by watching lesbian porn.

..which, really...is nothing new.

Mike: I've already shown him the finer points of stimulating the clitoris.

Suprisingly, he taught me some new moves.

MI: No, I remembered the baking soda/powder..whatever. Men. Shouldn't. Bake.

Catscratch: No - so keep a look out for them.

Thanks in advance.

Lbluca: ..and then I watched a romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston.

Malach: Hey...I didn't say I don't like it. I'd just rather she like to fight and shit.

Amanda: Thanks for the validation.

I just sniffed my armpits for no reason. Yep...still manly.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

moooog,

You damn well did it again...

Hot coffee stains everywhere.

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com/

Mike Marshall said...

Seriously...........so fucking funny. Thanks for starting my Friday off laughing. Peace, Mike.

moooooog35 said...

AV: thanks. Now, if we could get the coffee to spill all over your keyboard when you're typing in your links into the comments, that would be awesome.

Mike Marshall: Thanks, also. Wow...another guy named 'Mike.' You guys should start a club.

Dr Zibbs said...

Cornhole. I need to make an effort to start using that word again.

Meghan said...

You always make my laugh at my desk at work like some sort of escaped mental patient. Thank you.

moooooog35 said...

Dr. Zibbs: You should, like:

"Yes, honey. I'd like the cucumber in my cornhole."

See how easy that is?

Meghan: Escaped mental patients have desks?!

Olly said...

OMG, I'm gonna be laughing at the Leo-Tard all day.

Oh.... and, um...my daughter and her friends have a good guy friend. Even his mom is wondering if he is gay. Sorry.

Smileygirl said...

I am crying from laughing so hard. Sometimes I can't breathe after reading your posts. Please don't turn that into a disgusting sexual reference.

Damn that was funny.

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

Dude - I hacked up a lung or two, laughing so freakin hard. Then I peed myself. Hate you for that!

You need to put a disclaimer on your posts...WARNING - May cause women over 40 to lose control of bladder - PEE BEFORE READING!

This is CLASSIC.

Patyrish said...

Wandered over here from "Postcards from Insanity"....SO glad I did.

This entry is the first one I have read of yours and I laughed through the whole thing.

Especially at everything after:

"my wife's cookies/my cookies"

yeah I pretty much cackled through the rest.

Saving you in my favs and off to read more.

The Sports Mama said...

Three words (and I refuse to look at your other comments to see if someone else already said this, so there!)...

Break.And.Bake.

Seriously, that is the only way I can even back anything anymore.

And yes, they even have Snickerdoodles.

moooooog35 said...

Olly: Gee. Thanks for the pick-me-up.

Tornado: Over 40, hacked up lung and peeing herself.

You sound hot.

Patyrish: Welcome..and...how you doin'?

Sports Mama: you tell me this NOW?!?!?

Susan said...

You seriously need to write a book - just throw a collection of your posts together. Please? I'll push it, promise.

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