My Lost Skyward Child | Mental Poo

Monday, February 02, 2009

My Lost Skyward Child


The very best part of parenthood.

Some of my first readers know that one of my favorite pastimes is lying to my children.

My son, to this day, still reminds me that raisins are people.


His therapist is gonna have a field day with him when he's older.

I hope she's hot.

No reason.

Anyway, it's been pretty windy around here lately, and this past weekend was no exception.

Between all the fucking snow we've had, and the goddamn ice storm, and the fact that it was below zero here lately makes me think that Mother Nature is mad at me for throwing all that shit in the river behind my house.

Seriously - the trash company would charge me to take away those car batteries and gallons of turpentine.

Fuck that shit.


I'm cold.

By the degrees farenheit...I don't do Celsius.

The only way I'd do Celsius is if Scarlett Johansson walked up to me and said, "Hi...I'm Celsius."

At that point, I'd be all about the metric system.

I've digressed.

The wife and I had taken the two kids to the mall.

That's right...the mall.

We know how to party.

Suck it, Lindsay Lohan!

As we ran through the screeching wind in the parking lot, I yelled to the kids:

Me: "Okay, guys. Let's hold hands!"

Daughter: "Why, daddy?"

Son: "Yeah...Why do we have to hold hands?"


I did not say this.

I did not say this because although Sears sells you all the tools you'll need to dismember and bury your family in a shallow grave in your backyard...

...they frown on bad language.

Daughter: "Why do we have to hold hands? Because it's windy?"

To which I replied:

Me: "Yes - we have to hold hands because it's windy."

* pause

Me: "You know...we used to have THREE kids. But one of them blew away on a day just like this because he wasn't holding my hand."

My wife, in front of me, just shakes her head.

She's used to this shit.

There's a pause...and then...

Daughter: "What was his name, daddy?"

Ka. Fucking. Ching.


I'm so good at this, it's almost scary.

My kids are fucking screwed.

Now...excuse me...

Sears has a wood chipper with my name written all over it.

Ugh. Evidence.

Anyone know how to chisel that off?


Anonymous said...

Also, I would imagine that your family is also short.

And that with your near midget shortness yet massive pecs, you have a very low centre of gravity.

So by hanging on like dingleberry's to an anus, your family wouldn't fly away.

That's a Celsius calculation.

You're welcome.

Coffeypot said...

I can't wait until one of your kids turns to you and says, "You're full of shit, daddy."

I could do Scarlett, too. I just hope and pray she is in the mood for a quickie.

Coffeypot said...

Oh, and on my blog that says, For E.Craig...with your weather, I should have included you, too. Feel free to copy it if you wish.

LBluca77 said...

My parents used to tell us the only reason they had kids was so we could wait on them hand and foot. I plan on doing the same to my kids.

Anonymous said...

If we couldn't lie to our kids, life would feel like an eternity.


The Absent Minded Housewife said... went to SEARS.

Foster Mom to Many said...

I'm pretty sure I read in a parenting magazine somewhere that lying to your kids is an acceptable practice. Maybe it was "Lazy Mothering Monthly". I can't remember. I left you an award over at my blog.

GorillaSushi said...

If you didn't lie to your kids, who would?? I would. That's who.

Patyrish said...

For some reason this story reminds me of when my Dad used to tell me I was hatched from a buzzard's egg.

...thanks Dad.

He would tell my oldest sister that she was my mom's daughter from her first marriage. It took her YEARS to figure out that my Mom has been married ONE time and that's to my Dad.

It was fun growing up in our house.

Bon Don said...

Oh I love lying to my kids!!

When they were still "growing" I told my daughters that eating cabbage makes their boobs grow bigger.

Malach the Merciless said...

And the answer is JonBenet Ramsey, let them look that up on the internet.

Anonymous said...

Wait, so we aren't supposed to lie to out kids? Ive been doing that for 12 years!

Anonymous said...

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't want kids. Don't get me wrong - lovely "angels" they are but they'd probably drive me to go nuts - nuts I tell you. How you all manage is, well, beyond my comprehension. No wonder you lie. Heck, who wouldn't. I'll stick to dogs. Much better for the conscious. Seriously :)

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: I have a very low center ("centER" - spell it right...this is an American blog) of gravity...but mainly because of my giant elephant penis.

Coffeepot: I believe my kids said that by the time each of them was two.

Giggle: It's what I live for.

Becky: Like you don't have a Craftsman power drill running that giant rubber penis you have.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Foster Mom: Thank you for the award. Does it come with money? I like money.

Gorilla: That explains the "Gorilla Sushi is my daddy" t-shirts they've been wearing.

Patyrish: FYI:

I'm your dad.

Bon Don: Please tell me that you don't have boys.

Narm: This line has no boundaries.


Malach: I would hit Mrs. Ramsey.

Just sayin'.

Meleah: Who said we're not?! God...I don't know how I'd fill my day.

Gino: You have it wrong. This is exactly why you DO want kids.

You lie like this to the Feds, they'll throw in the clink.

That 1960's prison term is yours, free of charge.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Of course I don't have a craftsman power drill running my giant rubber penis.

I've modified my ceiling fan for the it at Home Depot.

PkmnTrainerJ said...

Wow, Sears do sell all the stuff I need. By which I mean, someone else might need.

You are an awesome dad btw. I'll carry on your parental teachings.

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