How Richard Gere Deals with This Shit I Have No Idea | Mental Poo

Thursday, January 29, 2009

How Richard Gere Deals with This Shit I Have No Idea


Gently...softly...

I held it in my hand.

It was soft...

...it almost seemed...vulnerable.

Slowly and deliberately, my fingers stroked it's length.

It moved.

I bent down and kissed it gently.

It responded by standing straight up...

...and biting the shit out of me.

FUCK!!

Hamsters suck.

Yeah. Hamsters.

Why?

What were you thinking?

Jesus H. Christ, if I could kiss my own dick you think I'd be sitting here writing this shit instead?

I've digressed.


My kids each got a hamster for Christmas.

We made a deal a while back that said if the kids were good, we would get them hamsters in December.

On a related note:

Parents do stupid, stupid things.

When the authorities couldn't completely prove that the church arson was their fault, we had no choice but to get them the fucking rats.

Hamsters, sorry. The fucking 'hamsters.'


Here is what I've learned in the few weeks we've owned these hamsters:

1) No matter how many times you describe it, your 5 year old does not understand "NOCTURNAL"

Cam: "I can't wait to play with him!"

(that's what she said)

Me: "Cam, hamsters are nocturnal. Do you know what that means?"

Cam: "They sleep during the day."


(first day of owning hamster)

Cam: "MY HAMSTER IS SLEEPING!"

Me: "Cam...it's noon. They're nocturnal, remember? They wake up when you're asleep, okay?"

Cam: "Okay."

(...the very next day...)

Cam: "MY HAMSTER IS SLEEPING!"

This has been going on every day for three fucking weeks.

I may start dipping the fucking thing in my coffee in the morning just so I don't have to hear this shit.

Watch Starbucks take this idea and run with it.

Starbucks Cashier: "Would you like to try our new Non-fat Mocha Triple-Siberian-Dwarf Hamster Latte?"

Customer: "No...I'll stick with the regular coffee you make that tastes like Rosie O'Donnell's charred colon after a fire in an enema-testing factory."

Great. Make that TWO ideas I've just given to Starbucks.


2) Hamsters shit

Now, as a man, I enjoy pooping (with this ONE notable exception).

I enjoy pooping a lot. Maybe too much.

I sometimes try to poo even when I don't have to, just because it puts a smile on my face.

Sometimes it puts a grimace on my face, but that's usually only after I eat something pointy.


But, mother of Christ - hamsters poo like they've got a fucking quota to meet.

It's like their lower intestine is a goddamn conveyor belt.

I'm picturing that "I Love Lucy" scene with her and Ethel at the chocolate factory...

...except instead of chocolates, it's hamster shit.

This visual gets really gross when they start eating it.

I call it:

"Two Girls, One Cup - Rodent Edition"


3) Hamster balls are awesome

(that's what the girl hamster said)

No..no..different balls.

I'm talking about the little plastic balls that you put the hamsters in and let them run around the house.

(On a related note, because of lack of use, mine also feel like plastic)

Watching these little things book around all over the house while every once in a while is pretty funny.

It gets REALLY funny when your kid picks the ball up and bowls it across the floor.

I love my kids.

Then the hamsters start shitting in the fucking ball (you know...the hamster in Bolt didn't do this) and it turns into a disgusting display of a rodent running around the house in a ball filled with his own feces.


Which is exactly what it would look like if I ever went down a hill in one of those Zorb balls.

Just me...in a ball...

...rolling down a hill at breakneck speeds...

...covered in my own shit.

Like you ladies out there haven't had that fantasy about me.


4) Habitrails fucking ROCK

Each of my kids got their own hamster cage.

With some of their Christmas money, they went to the pet store (you're never too young to hitch rides) and bought some of those interlocking tubes and shit to connect to them.

For the next three days I stood there...

...designing...assembling...

...redesigning...reassembling...

The combinations I could make and the designs I could create were endless!


I was having a great time...

...until my wife poked her head in the room.

Wife: "Ah. I see you're finally putting your Architecture Degree to work."

* my happy fun balloon goes 'pop'

She's awesome sometimes.

Other times, she does this.

I'm SO pooping in her chocolates.

47 comments:

Patyrish said...

I used to work in a pediatrician's office.

We had a hamster in a cage there. We would use it as "bribery" to get the kids to cooperate. For instance:

"if you let me jab you with this needle without kicking me in the stomach, I'll let you go feed the hamster".

This did not always work. I got kicked and punched a lot.

Anyway I was "bribing" one kid one day and in an attempt to make it really tempting I took her over to the hamster cage so she could get a look at the hamster....

HE WAS DEAD!

She kept begging to hold him and I kept saying "ugh no he's ugh, sleeping".

Very awkward moment.

You must have got a good one because we replaced that hamster more times than I can count.

coffeypot said...

Your hamster cage looks like someone gutted The Robot from Lost In Space.

Or is it a 3-D X-Ray of Richard Geer’s colon with one of his hamsters running loose.

Giggle Pixie said...

Yeah, but if you were rolling around in that Zorb ball your shit would stick to you. How come hamster shit doesn't stick like that?? lol

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Apparently, hamster balls are a sight to behold, as well. They're like half the length of their body and the hamster can contract them or shoot them out of his body at will, should he desire to clean them or something.

moooooog35 said...

Patyrish: That's very uplifting.

CoffePot: I'm going with the X-Ray thing. Comedy gold.

Giggle: It's NOT sticky?

Ever try to get hamster shit OUT of one of those balls? It's like it's stuck in there with some Billy Mays advertised glue shit.

Why does Billy Mays yell so much?

Really, dude. We'll buy it.

Just. Calm. Down.

Mjenks: Dude. I really don't want to know how you know all that.

LBluca77 said...

I had a hamster as a kid and after some time I got bored with it and it finally died. I think it was dead a good week before I noticed. At least you have that to look forward to

Knight said...

Hamsters are really gross but I had a good laugh at the Lucy bit. That was prime comedy right there.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

You are responsible for me sitting in front of my computer with a stupid goofy grin on my face (more so than usual) and then blowing a wonderful snot bubble when I saw the Rodney Ball of Poo.

That is all, return to duty.

Kellie said...

The I Love Lucy sceen you just described = hilarious. We used to have a hamster and it somehow ate it's way through the plastic door to it's cage. He was never seen again. I'm sure he died in the walls somewhere and is stinking up the old house now. Ew.

Anonymous said...

My sis and I killed at least 7 or 8 hamsters as kids, out of pure ignorance. "I thought he liked it behind the dryer, cuz its so warm," and such...


Hamsters and goldfish do not mix well with kids. Just sayin...
VI

HeyJoe said...

Hamsters suck. So do rats guinea pigs and mice. The only fun mice were the ones we fed to my son's snake. AWESOME.

But rodent pets blow and eventually you just keep hoping they'll croak so you can toss 'em and get the smell of rodent piss out of your house.

Or so I've heard.

fiona said...

This is one of your best!
I think I love you...

binks said...

Had to laugh at that pointy shit face.

Hamsters are creepy.
Oh yeah, they bite too.
And eat their young.
Not something a six year old should see. I think that scarred me for life.

GeologyJoe said...

i had a hampster as a kid. and it too was alwasy sleeping. then i poked it one day...it was dead.:(

Mike said...

I had a hamster as a kid.

Then we got a terrier.

This breed of terrier was designed to kill rodents.

A hamster ball being chased by a rodent throws so much poo so fast the living room ceiling got poo spackled.

Awesome.

Narm said...

You better hope you don't roll down the hill with some pointy poo - that could be deadly.

Poetry Sue said...

seriously I luaghed my ass off while reading this whole thing. damn dude, you should gat an award for this.

Malicious Intent said...

Bring your hamsters over here, I have a pet snake that would LOVE to meat them.

Muskrats are way cooler. Apparently good with fried onions too.

Malach the Merciless said...

So I see you poo fetish replaced your Gay Prostition Anal Play fetish?

Susan said...

My mom swears she still hears our hamster from like 28 years ago in her walls...yep, got loose and probably rotted in a pipe or something. Thank god. And the Richard Gere pic is spectacular. Was that your Halloween costume?

Jen said...

We had hamsters when I was a kid. Even had the Habitrail system until my brother decided they belonged in the bathtub. It seemed like a good idea until they all, 14 of them, got out and the cat ate them. Long story short...even if you think you have two males because that is what the teenager in charge at the pet store says, you might not. These rats reproduce every time they sneeze. It might make the cat happy but it made for a busy summer of digging little holes in the back yard.

Hindleyite said...

The second picture is rather disturbing...

Bon Don said...

I had Hamsters for years when I was a kid!

I loved them so much... but when I pissed off my little brother he would drop them from the second story or snap their necks.

Great. thanks for bring that shit up!

moooooog35 said...

lbluca: Excellent. And the boys you invited over just figured the smell was business as usual?

Knight: Prime? USDA, here I come!

Going60: Dude. Seriously. Go blow your fucking nose.

Kellie: WTF is with all the 'hamster in the wall' stories? You'd figure they'd want to hang out where there's TV.

Anon: Your problem was when you put the hamsters in the fish tank.

Helpful tip for next time: don't do that.

heyJoe: Hamsters suck? Rodents blow? Man...it's like a dream sorority house!

Fiona: ..and yet...you send me no porn.

I think you're lying.

Binks: Yeah...laugh it up until you have a pointy shit. Not so funny, then.

GeoJoe: I smell a Hallmark Movie of the Week!

Mike: Who breeds dogs to kill mice? And...um...why?

Narm: No worries - pointy poo would immediately pop the ball.

PoetrySue: What kind of award would THAT be? I don't even want to know.

MI: Hm. Southern state. Love Nascar.

Why am I not surprised you have a pet snake?

Malach: You sound sad about that.

And who said anything about 'replaced?'

Susan: Your mom has a hamster ghost?

I say call Dreamworks and pitch it.

Jen: Um...where...um...did you bathe?

Nevermind. Don't want to know.

Hindleyite: You could only pick one?

BonDon: Sounds like quite the magical childhood you had there.

Christina_the_wench said...

A hamster ate my dress. No shit. His time was short after that.

My ex husband loved those little rodents. Actually, that explains a lot now.

Mike said...

Moooooog: Rodents dood, rodents.

If you want to kill a mouse, get a cat. Or rosie o'donnel (i hear she likes the feeling of them squirming in her stomach).

If you want to kill bigger things, like rats, gophers, ground hogs, rabbits, mooooogs - uh, strike that last one - you get a terrier.

Deborah said...

My hubby and I went to Petsmart to look at fish once when I was pregnant with our son. I decided to look at the hamsters while he was shopping for fish. Big mistake. There was a sleeping hamster at the front of one of the cages, and another one was crawling on him and bothering him. "How mean" I thought, until I got a closer look and realized the "sleeping" one was dead, and the one "bothering" him was actually EATING the dead one's face. Pregnant me vomited on the floor at Petsmart in front of the hamster cages.

We didn't buy fish that night.

I don't like hamsters anymore. LOL

Is the James Vanderbeek pic REALLY how you look during pointy poop?? I've never been blessed with a pointy poop, so I wouldn't know. LOL

Becky..AMHW said...

I had a pet rat once. They are way smarter than hamsters and make awesome pets.

Excuse me, I must go relieve my three year old of incessantly pushing buttons on a fart machine.

Becky..AMHW said...

Alrighty, I'm back.

I'd like to add that male rats have HUGE balls.

That is all.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

Becky..AMHW, that's interesting...

mooooog35, that was a brilliant piece of drivel, loved every word...

Snot bubbles seem is vogue today - AND I DID BLOW MY NOSE!

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com/

moooooog35 said...

Christina: A hamster ate your dress?

Jesus Christ. How short ARE you?

Mike: Thanks for the tip. Can I keep it in my shed for the winter? - mice eat through my saddlebags.

Becky: You have a fart machine? I'm assuming you have a double-wide to accomodate such a thing?

Also - thanks for making me jealous of rats.

AV: Snot bubbles are in vogue? I don't remember Madonna blowing them.

She blew everything else, though.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

mooooog35, you have an award, call over to NR II and collect. (No snot bubbles please)

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com/

LiLu said...

I didn't think it was possible that someone could ruin one of the greatest I Love Lucy episodes of all time for me...

Congratulations!

Effing hilarious, as always. I have to stop reading you in the library. I sound like I have silly asthma. (WTF is silly asthma?)

fiona said...

LMAO @ Lilu "silly asthma"
Moog I'm working on porn for you right now! Your so bloody impatient!

moooooog35 said...

AV: Thanks for the award!

What? No Money?!

Lilu: Yes. Nothing says 'silly' like someone who can't breathe.

good times...good times...

You read me in the library?! Well..I guess that's one way for me to get in one.

Fiona: You're working on it? Jesus Christ...turn the camera on and lie down - your husband will do the rest. How much f'ing work can it be?

Women.

Always making things harder than they have to be.

Sometimes, literally.

Oxen Cox said...

Found your site through Lilu. Funny, funny. I had school chum that had a hamster, a very stinky one might I add. So one day I am driving with my parents and we pass a pig farm and I say "It smells like hamsters here." My father almost killed us he was laughing so hard. Reading your post brought back some good memories. Thanx.

Malicious Intent said...

Mooog, we are not a southern state, we are not a northern state. We are just confused. Ask 10 different Delawarean's if we are the north or the south and you will get an even 50/50 split.

If you live in Delaware, everyone in the northern New Castle County will say we are the north, as we relate more to Philadelphia etc. Ask folks below the canal and they say the south, but screw them....they eat rats.

Malicious Intent said...

P.S. I am often wearing my snake around my neck while posting here. He makes a lovely neck accessory. 3 plus feet long now, he should grow to over 5.

Wanna play with my pets?

Hungry Mother said...

We rented a house in Boston for a summer some years ago. The house came with a gerbil in the bedroom used by our older daughter, who was prone to temper tantrums back then. One day, in a snit, she slammed the door to her room and the gerbil dropped dead. Sometimes I worry about her husband.

I am a Tornado ~ proven fact! said...

I don't know if I commented yet on your blog ...I just too damn intimidated.

You are a sick & twisted individual and I am so very glad I found you on the net.

I just can't decide what I love the most ... the posters, the pictures, the sarcasm, the rude, the crude or the disgusting. I'm so very glad I don't have to pick.

VE said...

You should have gone for Guinea Pigs. They purr, they're not nocturnal and if you don't like them...they make a delicious entre.

Great stuff here...

AngryMan said...

That James Van Der Beek is one sexy hamster!

moooooog35 said...

Oxen Cox: Great. Now I'm picturing giant ox penises.

Again.

MI: Delaware is a STATE?!?!

Hungry: The gerbil came with the rental?

What the fuck were you renting, a habitrail?

Tornado: There are many tiny facets to me. Most of them are in my underwear.

VE: I'm allergic to guinea pigs. Plus, I don't like having to defur my food.

Angry: You...you...? You're alive?!?

Welcome back, you prick. Welcome back.

meleah rebeccah said...

And these are all the reasons WHY I do NOT have any hamsters in my house!

kris said...

Dear Moooooog - I know you appreciate comment brevity from me, so I am limiting myself to an arbitrary 180 characters. I especially liked the part of the post in which you said tha

Leighann said...

Hamsters are filthy little creatures.

I dont love my child enough to get her one.

My favorite line:
"I sometimes try to poo even when I don't have to, just because it puts a smile on my face."

You speak the truth.

Erin said...

We had a hamster named Peaches. When I was a teenager I came home one day and my parents told me I should probably go take a look at Peaches.

I did, and she was all wild-eyed careening around the cage on 2 legs like she was tripping her little hamster balls off. The next day she was dead.

It only now occurs to me to wonder why my parents seemed to accept a hallucinating hamster as par for the course.

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