Poke 'Em if You Got 'Em | Mental Poo

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Poke 'Em if You Got 'Em


Dr. McStinky Finger.

That's his new nickname.

Since before Christmas, I've had a fucking sore throat.

This is not your normal:

"Oh, I've got a cold,"


...or...

"Oh, I have uvula-based Herpes I shouldn't have gone to the gay bar"
sore throats.

No.

This is more like a:

"I think I have throat cancer,"

..or..

"I think I have Ebola,"

..or..

"Maybe I should stop swallowing penises covered in sores at the truck stop so I can score that sweet sweet rock of crystal meth and OH MY GOD I NEED A FIX NOW," sore throat.

Um.

Perhaps I've said too much.


So, after four weeks with this stupid thing, I finally decided to go to my doctor.

I never go to the doctor's.

Unless I'm having some part of my genitals mangled or something else operated on, I avoid these fuckers like Sarah Jessica Parker avoids prettiness.

Listen..

...I've had my balls cauterized

...and my shoulder hacked.

And all I had was a headache.

Insurance is a scam!

I've digressed.


Now, I turned 40 last August, but haven't seen this jackass since April.

So, while I'm sitting there talking to him, I decide to figure out what I need to do at this age.

Me: "So...what stuff should I be scheduling or having done now that I'm 40? Like regular tune-up stuff."

Doctor: "Well...we'll need to probably schedule a physical."

Okay.

I can get physical.

I have my old roller skates and terrycloth headband, and my Olivia Newton John CD is floating around somewhere in my car.

Satin shorts make my ass look stellar.

Don't be hatin'.


Then, he says this:

Doctor: "We don't need to schedule a colonoscopy yet. That will happen at about 50."

Me: "Oh. Okay."

Dammit.

I mean..um...

Phew!


Then...

Here it comes:

Doctor: "So, instead of the full colonoscopy, we'll probably just do the ol' finger poke."

* silence

* blink

Did he just say 'finger poke?'

I look over at his wall.

Yep.

Those degrees look legit.

Finger poke?

What the fuck, dude?

Who the Hell says that?

Are you fucking 13 years old and I somehow became your little date to the dinner dance?

And since when do I let you boys get to third base just like that?

Hey...

...I may be easy but I'm no slut.


Wow.

Sorry.

Went into 'full prepubescent girl mode' there for a second.

Someone help me get off this tutu.

Quickly.

My wife will be home soon and she freaks when she sees me like this.

On a related note, I have to fix this bathroom lock.

I've digressed.


Finger poke.

How very fucking professional of you, Dr. McStinky Finger.

I'm praying to God that I don't enjoy this and end up calling him Dr. FeelGood...

...or calling him every Friday night...

...you know...

...just to talk.

Can't wait to see what he comes up with for my hernia test.

Care to juggle the kiwis?

25 comments:

Mike said...

If you feel the poke and both of his hands are on your shoulders....


Well you'd probably enjoy that.

Never mind.

Argentum Vulgaris said...

LOL @ Mike...

Delightfully crass as yousual a good way to start the day.

AV
http://netherregionoftheearthii.blogspot.com/
http://tomusarcanum.blogspot.com/
http://thingsthatfizz.blogspot.com/

LiLu said...

Aaaaand THANK YOU for reminding me of my TMI Thursday tomorrow.

And don't pretend like you didn't enjoy it.

LBluca77 said...

Well obviously we don't date the same men if you have to go to the doctor for a finger poke.

Becky..AMHW said...

I will not tell you where I've had the ENTIRE hands of doctors and nurses inserted. A FINGER??? Don't be a puss.

As for your sore throat...do you still have your tonsils? I had a nasty sore throat last winter, discovered I had a lot more crevices in them where stones were collecting and those were making my throat sore. A little squirt squirt (with water, pervert) and some gargling...buh bye stones. Them things are nasty. Yet, I feel better than ever now that I keep my tonsils clean and my sinuses flushed.

I gotta go get a Pap Schmear. Just thought I'd tell you first.

rs27 said...

At least he didn't say "We have to put the stuff in the stuff"

Actually maybe he should have said that.

Blonde Goddess said...

I will be sympathetic today Moog, just because of my current "anal condition."
A finger poke right now could cause me to suffer a major coronary.

On the brighter side of things, a finger poke during "certain moments" can be quite pleasurable.

I think you're going to enjoy it. I'm just saying...

Christina_the_wench said...

Roll over and take it like a man. You can always practice first with a carrot like they did in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Wait, that was a different hole. Nevermind.

Bogart in P Towne said...

I understand that when this "exam" happens, many guys end up, well, standing at attention...something about massaging the prostate...hope you don't poke the nurse in the eye!

Bon Don said...

Wow, according to all of these comments we have a lot of blogs who like a goof old fashion "finger poke", I for one...


are one of them too.
*´¨)
¸.• ´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•'* Bon Don

moooooog35 said...

Mike: Hey. You never told me you wanted me to stop, either.

AV: Crass has 'ass' in it.

Just throwing that out there.

LiLu: I'll let you know when it happens. I'm so excited!

Lbluca: ANY man will do that to a woman. We're easy like that.

Becky: No tonsils. He gave me some antibiotic shit and it went away.

Now..you've had hands of doctors and nurses in your ass? At the same time?

Was this invite-only or were you open to all who responded to the flyer?

rs27: although he did say something about putting his 'lime in the coconut.' I'm not clear on what that was about.

BG: I can barely get my wife to make me seafood. I think sticking her finger in my ass is a bit of a stretch.

Christina: I think you're thinking of a different 'Mr. Hand.'

Bogart: If you've read me before, you know the only thing I'd risk poking is a tiny hole in my underoos.

Bon Don: Nice to know my lady readers are trashy.

By the way...what the fuck is that near your signature? It's like you tried to visualize a fart.

Bon Don said...

Oopsy...I was trying to air it out, all that talk about finger poking made made feel all funny inside!

Patyrish said...

Oh Moog, I have a hard time feeling bad for your little "finger poke". When you have to go through a gynecological exam...then come talk to me.

My hubby hates "the finger poke". Had to have it last year and he cried like a baby about it all day long.

I reminded him that I GAVE BIRTH and he still didnt see my point.

MEN!

;-)

coffeypot said...

I didn’t’ mind my first digital exam…until I felt BOTH of his hands on my shoulders. And I would never have guessed it would take 15 minuets to perform one, either. And my prostate must have been in excellent shape because the kept saying, “God the feels good.” Now he says that due to my age I have to see him once a week. Should I be worried?

By the way, I see in your picture you found Hemorrhoid the Hamster. I wondered what happened to him. The last time I saw him was the night Richard Geer stopped by for a beer.

Kellie said...

I hear the finger pokes are quite enjoyable once you get through the pressure of the initial insertion. Good luck with that. And let us know how it goes. :)

HeyJoe said...

Kellie - Don't encourage him to "let us know how it goes."

Or has it already happened? Seems like he could have done you right then and there.

Hopefully not because the best part of the whole ordeal is...the anticipation!!

Or so I've heard.

Chickie said...

I wonder what passes for foreplay with his wife.

Malach the Merciless said...

So are you two married now?

Narm said...

Do you have to pay extra? Cuz my Vietnamese masseuse hits me up for an extra $50 for that.

moooooog35 said...

Bon Don: Funny ha ha...or funny weird?

Patyrish: I'll definitely call you as soon as I go through a gynecological exam.

Oh. You mean the RECEIVING side?

You're gonna be waiting a bit for that call, kid.

Coffepot: It took fifteen minuets? A social dance of French origin? How many people were in the room?!

Kellie: Yeah. You 'hear' that.

HeyJoe: Interesting. That's contradicts what you wrote in the men's room.

Chickie: fore..wha?

Malach: Why? Jealous?

Narm: Interestingly, my copay covers it. Yay for insurance!

Gemini said...

Damn, I just peed myself a little. Too funny!

Tiggy said...

While the doctor is performing his examination, moan slightly and whisper "Yeah, that's good... oh yeah..." He'll finsih his exam a lot quicker. Hopefully.

moooooog35 said...

Gemini: I was wondering what that smell was.

Tiggy: Nice tip. The other thing was just asking, "Is it normal to have a boner during this?"

Katie said...

Stop! Stop! Ok, Keep doing it.
Dude, if I were you, I'd be very afraid visiting this doctor for a colonoscopy.

binks said...

Trust me a finger poke is far preferrable to a fucking colonoscopy!
Try having one of those bad boys with no drugs. Fun and games..... and 47 gallons of caustic drain cleaner pumped up your ass.

Finger poke? Puuleeze!

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