Dr. McStinky Finger.
That's his new nickname.
Since before Christmas, I've had a fucking sore throat.
This is not your normal:
"Oh, I've got a cold,"
"Oh, I have uvula-based Herpes I shouldn't have gone to the gay bar" sore throats.
This is more like a:
"I think I have throat cancer,"
"I think I have Ebola,"
"Maybe I should stop swallowing penises covered in sores at the truck stop so I can score that sweet sweet rock of crystal meth and OH MY GOD I NEED A FIX NOW," sore throat.
Perhaps I've said too much.
So, after four weeks with this stupid thing, I finally decided to go to my doctor.
I never go to the doctor's.
Unless I'm having some part of my genitals mangled or something else operated on, I avoid these fuckers like Sarah Jessica Parker avoids prettiness.
...I've had my balls cauterized
...and my shoulder hacked.
And all I had was a headache.
Insurance is a scam!
Now, I turned 40 last August, but haven't seen this jackass since April.
So, while I'm sitting there talking to him, I decide to figure out what I need to do at this age.
Me: "So...what stuff should I be scheduling or having done now that I'm 40? Like regular tune-up stuff."
Doctor: "Well...we'll need to probably schedule a physical."
I can get physical.
I have my old roller skates and terrycloth headband, and my Olivia Newton John CD is floating around somewhere in my car.
Satin shorts make my ass look stellar.
Don't be hatin'.
Then, he says this:
Doctor: "We don't need to schedule a colonoscopy yet. That will happen at about 50."
Me: "Oh. Okay."
Here it comes:
Doctor: "So, instead of the full colonoscopy, we'll probably just do the ol' finger poke."
Did he just say 'finger poke?'
I look over at his wall.
Those degrees look legit.
What the fuck, dude?
Who the Hell says that?
Are you fucking 13 years old and I somehow became your little date to the dinner dance?
And since when do I let you boys get to third base just like that?
...I may be easy but I'm no slut.
Went into 'full prepubescent girl mode' there for a second.
Someone help me get off this tutu.
My wife will be home soon and she freaks when she sees me like this.
On a related note, I have to fix this bathroom lock.
How very fucking professional of you, Dr. McStinky Finger.
I'm praying to God that I don't enjoy this and end up calling him Dr. FeelGood...
...or calling him every Friday night...
...just to talk.
Can't wait to see what he comes up with for my hernia test.
Care to juggle the kiwis?