I Get Screwed | Mental Poo

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I Get Screwed

I got screwed the other day.


I'm a lucky man.

Normally, I wouldn't share this type of news with just anyone.

Yeah. Right.

This is why I keep the receipts from hookers.

That, plus there's a tax loophole where you can deduct your cost as a home business expense if it's done in your basement and you order a certain "package" that may or may not include use of your water heater and a small rubber hose.

However, last time I checked I wasn't your personal fucking financial advisor so that's as far as I'm going with that.

So I live by the rule:

If she ain't got a place to swipe my credit card, she ain't gettin' ma biznezz fo shizzle.

On a possibly related note:

My American Express card smells.

So, yeah.

I got screwed the other day.

And dontcha know that I've got some pictures for ya!

I love me my sick peeps.

In a sick twist of irony:

Peeps make me sick.


So - I had surgery on my broken pinky the other day.

Here's what my x-ray looked like:

In the words of not a single girl I've ever had sex with:



You can't even FAKE that it's pleasing?

Stupid dog.

My friend John saw the above photo and IM'd me:

John: What's that in the pic? Your wedding ring?

Me: No John, I'm really a Hobbitt and it's my quest to destroy it.

John: You're precious.

I am.

I AM precious.

Thanks for noticing.

Regardless, I actually had to have surgery to fix my pinky.

Me: "Hey. Can you make my penis larger while you're in there?"

Dr.: "Dude. I'm an orthopedist."


Not OrthoPENIS.



So, he knocked me out for the surgery...

(That's odd...why do I make no noise now when I fart?)

..and fixed my finger.

It now looks like this:


Friggin' guys in my karate class ain't gonna know what hit them.

You know...in 6 weeks when this heals.

Stupid bionic arm.


HeyJoe said...

Now it puts the lotion in the basket so Moog can spank it again. It does this whenever it's told.

MJenks said...

Pfff...if you were really a Hobbit, the X-ray couldn't take a picture of your hand because you'd be invisible when wearing the ring. *pushes glasses back up nose*

MJenks said...

And next time, instead of going the nerdy route, fire off a "that's your wife's cervix, John".

Anonymous said...

The orthopedist wouldn't work on your bone? What a quack.

Christian Holm said...

I had no idea Peeps were so versitile! Or flexible!

Grace said...

potatoe patatoe

LBluca77 said...

I can't believe the doc didn't give you a 2 for one special.

Christina_the_wench said...

Now I have to go look it up and see if a penis has an actual bone in it. Thanks for that.

I'm blonde. Bite me.

Donnie said...

Lube that bionic baby up and make popsicles outta those bad boys in karate class.

Moooooog35 said...

Joe: no...no...it's "or else it gets the hose again."

Geez, man.

Mjenks: Good point and nice counter. However John has neither a girlfriend or wife, so I couldn't use that.

How's this:



Douglas: Go figure.

wc#3: Just don't get the stuck in your sphincter. Terrible, terrible mess.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Bow: Are we seriously gonna argue this one? I don't see it ever ending.

lbluca: No...the nurse did (story coming soon!!)

Christina: Smart you sound yes!

Don: Lube popsicles sound kinda gross.

Going Like Sixty said...

Dammit, I came here expecting some funny comments. Disappointed. So I left.

Kellie said...

Did you tell us how you broke it yet though? Maybe I'm just slow. Although my parents say I is real smart.

Kellie said...

Nevermind. My brain just caught up and I read your previous post. I am slow. Real slow.

The good news, my husband says he likes it nice and slow. Bow chicka wow wow.

Bon Don said...

"Don't you hurt my Moooog35"

Screw your Doctor for not giving you a 2'fer! I'm sure someone here will though!

Malicious Intent said...

Why don't you fight like a real man. Use a baseball bat next time. Screw the karate. Those who don't cheat, don't win.

Narm said...

Now it's like you are getting jerked off by Robocop

Olly said...

What out with that bionic arm. Don't go giving yourself a heart attack!

Kevenj said...

A baseball bat, MI? Why not just pop them with a 9mm?

Mooog, does this mean that for the next few weeks your computer keyboard might actually look clean for a while?
just asking.

Moooooog35 said...

Going60: Don't let the door hit ya.

Kellie: I'm glad you confirmed the 'nice and slow' thing. Permanent marker is hard to change on the bathroom walls.

BonDon: volunteering, are you?

MI: Remind me next time to look for the weaponry hidden about the dojo.

Narm: I prefer "bionic woman" as the fantasy...but you do what you have to.

Olly: I won...AARRGGHH!!

KJ: Only the left side of it.

Anonymous said...

Did the doctor install your super secret laser guided pinky ass dildo like you asked?

Or did you forget to ask?


Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, you cracked that thing right in half

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: Amazing how you know of such a thing.

Malach: Four pieces, actually. At least that's what he told me. Feels like 600 or so.

Me tough like paper!

Blonde Goddess said...

I got screwed too.

I liked it.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha. A bit of therapy and you'll be back at it before you know it.

Me said...

So was that really your wedding ring or do you wear brass knuckles during the day?

Mike said...

I more or less figured that if you got hurt in a fisting accident, it would be your rectum that got injured. I can't figure out how you hurt your pinky though.

prin said...

Don't they tell you to take your jewels off for xrays? Always a rebel, moooooog.

To answer Mike, I'm guessing the pinky didn't fit and got left out.

Heal well, you. Good luck. :)

Anonymous said...

I am DYING over the way you used the Silence Of The Lambs guy. My favorite line in that whole movie is "wait was she like a great big fat person"....

Sorry about your pinky.

Moooooog35 said...

Cookiebitch: Cookiebitch lives?!?!?

BG: I know.

Money's on your dresser.

Mitch: like I need more therapy

Smiley: Yes - brass knuckles.

I moonlight as an Italian mobster.

Mike: I don't want to tell you how I hurt it.

On a completely unrelated note: don't check your wife's privates with the light on.

Prin: Prin's alive too?!? Huzzah!

Rebel is my middle name. Rodney Rebel.

I hate my parents.

Meleah: Buffalo Bill - possibly one of the best characters ever.

Anonymous said...

celeb gossip and more complimentary mental poops

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