Pinky's Revenge | Mental Poo

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Pinky's Revenge

Woe, is thee, who defiles the Tuscadero name.

I learned this the hard way.

Let me explain.

On March 12th, a Thursday, I published a post about my daughter vomiting pink shit all over the house.


In the post, I said these things about said pink vomit, along with theses little gems for visual aids:

"I'm guessing this is what Fonzie pukes up after oral sex with Pinky Tuscadero."

"I look down into the vent, and see all little bits of Pinky Tuscadero vulva sitting inside."

"Hot Chunky Pinky Tuscadero Vomit Whiffs."

"This will be funny," thought I.

"People will laugh," I said to myself.

"I really need to put moisturizer on my hands before I beat off. I'm chafing," I whispered to Mr. Wiggly.

Sometimes, I need to keep certain things to myself.

Regardless, apparently the great Gods of the Tuscaderos were not pleased with my incessant teasing.

("Gods of the Tuscaderos" would be a great name for a rock band)


The next day...

...Friday the 13th...

I was killed by a masked machete-wielding dead guy while camping.


I think that may be wrong.

The next day...

...Friday the 13th...

**** insert flashback wavy visual here ****

You see...

I take karate classes.

Stop laughing.

Stop laughing or I shall kill you instantly using only my earlobe and this small baby carrot.

On Friday nights, the school is open for sparring classes.

This is where you put on protective gear that approximately no less than 1200 other people have sweat in profusely..

...and beat the ever-loving piss out of each other.

"Hey..does this look like herpes to you...or just a regular rash?"

It's a beautiful thing.

In my first fight of the night, I was up against Rob...a 5'-10, 212 pound beast.

I'm 5'2" tall...157 pounds.

If they made a Japanese game show out of me, I'm thinking it would be something like:

Midget Karate Sexy Fun Show 5000!!

Holy fuckshit.

That sounds like fun to watch! Is it on?

I wish I had a satellite dish sometimes.

I've digressed.

At one point, Rob kicked up hard with his right foot...

...and I blocked it hard downward with my left.

His giant foot met the side of my small yet somehow very very sexy hand with the force of a thousand Samurai warriors!

On a related note:

Sometimes, I embellish shit.

His foot met my hand...

...immediately breaking my... guessed it...



Broke. My. Pinky.


So, I sit here typing this with one hand...waiting to see my orthopedist because they didn't set the finger in the emergency room.

So I've gone all weekend in just a two-finger splint while my pinky bones float around inside like crack cocaine making rounds in the Playboy Mansion.

Stupid lucky rocks.

Somewhere...out there...

Pinky Tuscadero is laughing.

And doing that wicked cool snap-clap-pointing thing.

I'm sorry, Pinky.

I'm just glad I didn't make fun of Dick Clark.


Christina_the_wench said...

Pinky and her sister will not be MOCKED!

Dick in a splint...sounds like a great new toy name. Imagine the hours of fun.

Quit whincing. It was funny.

Anonymous said...

That's a lot of typing for a one handed man.

How's Mr. Wiggly holding up?

GeologyJoe said...

Wasnt Leather Tuscadero her sister or something? i liked her better.

Going Like Sixty said...

If it was your left pinky no biggie for blogging right?

unless you use P:? you'll be fine.

Dick Clark? yeah, that would be bad, but despite what the TeeVee docs say you can't break your dick. But breaking your clark hurts like Billy BeJeezus.

Very funny post.

AmyOops said...

i swear i'm not laughing.

Moooooog35 said...

To all:

I had hand surgery yesterday, and am now the proud owner of a pin-n-plate-pinky combo with a side of OMFG severe pain and percocets that don't do shit.

Given that, I shall try to do my best in typing replies with my one good hand while crying like a bitch.

Christina: Ow.

Susan: Ohfuckshitthisfuckingthingiskillingme.

Mike: I want to die.

Becky: ow ow fuckity ow.

Fiona: my other pinky is covering my mouth trying to stop me from screaming.

oh, yeah...


Geo: was

aw, fuck it.

Going60: it's all fun and games until someone has a compound fracture with bone separation requiring anesthesia.


LiLu: karma did this? I could have sworn it was that other guy, Rob.


Zibbs: your pleasing visual makes this shithurt no less.

Thanks for the effort.

Amy: you're next, woman. you're next.

I want to cry.

Rahul said...

You take karate class?

I thought those were only for 8 year olds.

Unknown said...

revenge of the pinky...hilarious...and your wife thanks you (or hates you one or the other) for not making fun of Dick Cheney!

Moooooog35 said...

rs27: it IS for 8 year olds.

I like my competition weak.

Stacie: Imagine the outcome had I posted the other article I was going to write making fun of the show, "Shaft."


Bon Don said...

Feel better you fierce fighting machine of a man!

Donnie said...

Pinky always did have a way about her I hear. I used to wear that fucking foam headgear in wrestling. It was my own sweat and still smelled like sour baby shit.

Christian Holm said...

Still trying to figure out how to connect throwing up pink to breaking pinkies... wasn't there a motorcycle involved?

Moooooog35 said...

Bon Don: two percocets every 4 hrs....not so much "fierce" now as "picturing singing bunnies"

Lbluca: be careful who you pick of them could have a vendetta against you ring finger.

Don: You smell like sour baby shit?


Go grab a wet wipe.

wc#3: Pink vomit is to Pinky Tuscadero as Pinky Tuscadero is to broken pinky.

Sorry to get all algebraic on your ass, but that was just a stupid stupid question.

Coffeypot said...

I'm not so concerned that you have to type with one hand. I'm more concerned with how are you going to choke the monk if you can't bend your fingers?

And, honestly, dude, the next time he tries to send a kick your way turn and run. It's safer that way. He can’t chase you if he is standing there with one leg sticking up like a gay Hitler salute.

Malach the Merciless said...

HAHAHAHAHA! I take Aikido and Jujitsu, so the fight would of ended up on the ground

Moooooog35 said...

coffee: hence why god gave us 2 hands.

Actually, that's probably not the reason.

Venom: baby carrots were found all over Saddam's Palace...and they say no weapons of mass destruction were found? I say coverup!

Malach: I'm so close to the ground already, it's like wrestling for me no matter what I do.

Anonymous said...

It's amazing what a man can accomplish with one finger.

Anonymous said...

I hope your finger is doing better. That tree looking guy is SCARY. said...

I was much more graceful in breaking my hand.... fell down some stairs. But, to be fair, I really think Pinky tripped me. Or I was tripping. Or something like that.

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