The Shit I Learn - Broken Hand Edition | Mental Poo

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Shit I Learn - Broken Hand Edition


It's another episode in my:

"The Shit I Learn Series."

Enough...enough.

Sit the fuck down.

You're embarrassing yourselves.

NOW STAND BACK UP!!

Ha! Didn't say "Simon Says."

You people are stupid.

So, I've had a busted wrapped-in-a-cast hand (coming soon from Pillsbury - tee hee!) for about two weeks now.

Here's what I've learned:

1) I can't type for shit with one hand

It took me three hours to write that one sentence.

With two hands, I can type like lightning without any spelling errors.

I'm manly.


When I was in High School typing class my teacher asked me:

Teacher: "You know, Rodney...you should consider the Advanced Typing class."

Me: "Thanks. But I'm getting my ass kicked enough as it is. Plus, it's at the same time as my "Intermediate Needlepoint" course."

Then we made sweet sweet love amongst a sea of empty bottles of White-Out.

Yep.

63 words a minute.

And one teacher in about 3.


Now, though...I have to use one hand and have to look at the keys.

After I type, every sentence looks like this:

"Aft'erI type evrtey senteence looks like thris.~"

Really?

I'm STARING at the fucking keys!!

And c'mon...a fucking tilda? How did I manage to get a fucking tilda in there?!?

Fguckk.

~


2) Stinky Pinky

My hand smells.

And not for the GOOD reason.


Listen, when your hand is wrapped in gauze and bandages for weeks with only the tips of your fingers sticking out...

...it starts to...

...um...

Ripen.

Every so often, I stick my nose in there.

* Sniiiiffff

Yep.

Smells. Like. Bellybutton.


I mentioned this to one of the guys I work with.

Me: "Man...my hand really stinks like bellybutton."

* blink

Barry (no..not THAT Barry): "Rod. I don't know what bellybutton smells like. But if I find myself smelling my bellybutton tonight because of this conversation, I'm coming after you."

Right.

Like you haven't stuck your finger in your bellybutton before, pulled it out and then smelled it.

EVERYONE'S done that.

Right?

RIGHT?!

Great.

I may have bigger problems than this stupid broken hand.

* sniiifff

Yep.

Bellybutton.


3) Button Fly Jeans are the AntiChrist


Yeah.

Not Hitler.

Not Stalin.

Not even Rachael Ray.

I've found that Button Fly Jeans are the true AntiChrist.


Of course...

All I fucking OWN are button fly jeans.

What can I say...I got swept up in the craze in the 80's and have been there ever since.

I am NOT cutting this mullet.

Ever try putting on button fly jeans with one hand?

Taking them off?

Fine. No problem.

Put them back on?

Jesus H. Christ.

You might have well asked me to "fly" or "build a skyscraper with my bare hands" or "please a woman sexually."

Shit's tough.


So, now I'm pissing in the bathroom stalls instead of at urinals because buttoning my pants back up requires me to pull my shirt up and tuck it under my chin so I can fucking see the button holes...

(is this how fat guys find their wiggly?)

...and then do some weird twisting scooching thing so I can work the button with my right hand into the buttonhole that I'm trying to force over with the tip of my left index finger and...

...oh great...my "pinch-an-inch" just got in the way....

...hike pants up...scooch...

BUTTON IN!!

...repeat for next 7 fucking buttons.


Rapture IS coming, my friends.

And it's Levi Strauss who's bringing it.

I'm totally flipping him the bird.

With my right hand, of course.

Mogo ouft.

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK.

Moog out.

34 comments:

Christina_the_wench said...

Do you hear that? I could have SWORN I heard a little bitch whining in here. Hmmm. Maybe it was just my imagination. Now what were you saying?

Mike said...

Good thing you have a tiny wiggly.

You could just leave the fly open without danger of the thing flopping out.

Or buy real jeans.

Just saying.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Sounds like Barry (no, not that Barry) needs to partake in some serious omphaloskepsis later.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

You broke your left tuscadero?

The longest word you can write with you left hand is stewardesses.

Get the cast off soon, we need an update on stewardesses.

Douglas said...

I'm not trying to fight the man or anything, but legally your office is required to let you go without pants until the cast comes off. If they don't, tell them they have to provide you a nurse to help in the bathroom. Win win. Oh, and fat guys find their wiggly with a guide wire and a metal hanger. I've heard.

LBluca77 said...

Note to self: Don't read moogs blog while eating breakfast.

The belly button and gyo pictures made me wish I didn't have the ability to see.

Susan said...

You lost me at "Stink Finger". My husband tells stories about he and his buddies back in highschool asking one another "if they got stink finger last night"... Repulsive. Not sure why I laugh everytime he says it.

Poetry Sue said...

HEHE I am gigling at your misfortune and the visual of a midget bouncing around a toilet stall trying to button his 80's vintage button fly jeans.... LMAO

freetheunicorns said...

Love the stink finger pic. And I can't help but laugh when I think of how funny it would be trying to do up a pair of button fly jeans with one hand. I'm betting you end peeing all over yourself too.

moooooog35 said...

Christina: you're confusing whining with scientific discovery.

It's okay. Most dumb broads do the exact same thing.

Mike: I'm combining those two options. Thanks for the tip.

(that's what she said)

Mjenks: Yes.

What?

Going60: Nice segue into stewardesses.

Just like going to pilot school.

Douglas: I told them what you said.

On a related note:

You hiring?

Lbluca: Jesus, woman.

"If you don't know me by now...you will lalalala..."

Susan: Did I lose you...or really get you?

I have no idea what that means.

Poetry: It's hilarious.

So I hear.

Free: Luckily my penis is two feet long so no...no pee on myself.

But wrangling that guy one-handed isn't easy, either.

KBL 2 ORD 2 SAN 2 LUV said...

Fuckity Fuck Fuck is my all time favorite swear. I love it. So melodic.

I just send the gyny cartoon to my co-workers. Awesome.

I hate A-Rod too. That makes us best friends, even though I'm a Cubs fan.

Great blog Moog. Sorry I don't comment as often as I read...which is all the time. You're hysterical!

rs27 said...

3 minutes? Thats a marathon.

Olly said...

Hey, Douglas is on to something there. You should apply through medical to see if you qualify for a nurse to assist you in your daily activities - although I'm sure they won't consider your twice-daily monkey spanking as a medical expense...

moooooog35 said...

KBL..etc, etc: you're welcome on all fronts. please comment as much as possible - it feeds my narcissism.

FEED IT!!

Sorry.

rs27: No kidding. Went through three bottles of Gatorade.

Olly: twice daily is an off-day for me.

LiLu said...

"...But if I find myself smelling my bellybutton tonight because of this conversation, I'm coming after you."

Start running. I've 500 bucks that says he does it.

Christina_the_wench said...

Ok you got me on the dumb broad thing. I'll give ya' that one. But then again, I can button my jeans without the assistance of others.

*wink*

moooooog35 said...

Lilu: He hasn't. Pay up. Large unmarked bills only.

Christina: Where's the fun in that?

cookiebitch said...

Try putting a bra on with one hand, and then I'll feel sorry for you, bitch. (Again, easy to get off, not so easy to get on).

And my bellybutton? SMELLS FABULOUS! Kind of like musk.

Blonde Goddess said...

What's a belly button?

Slick said...

Hhhmm...How the hell are you surviving with the decline in masturbating? Surely it's a hinderance?

I can type like 730 wpm....bitch. ;)

We can share bras and panties if you want.

moooooog35 said...

BG: Your hubby calls it "input #4."

Slick:

*blink

* blink blink

Welcome back you redneck nutjob.

By the way..no decline at all.

Your Mrs. has been taking care of me.

Welcome back.

VE said...

At least there are still some things you can do with one hand...

Bow Chica Wah Wah said...

LMAO!

Rapture IS coming, my friends.

Kellie said...

Do all men get belly button lint? Seriously, I don't remember any of my exes ever having that problem but I swear it grows in my hubs belly. Gross. Then he likes to play a game and try to rub it on my face. Wow. That came out a lot dirtier than expected. Sweet.

coffeypot said...

Have wife stitch some Velcro strips on your fly and strap on a pair of suspenders.

Or get one of the secretaries go to the bathroom with you to handle the buttons.

If you are smart enough you can trick her into helping you pee. And when you are through, tell her to shake it real good - like 75 times or so. Women are a sucker for being needed.

wc#3 said...

So, this is the first time you've tried typing one handed? I was under the impression you were practiced :D

The Hussy Housewife said...

Left hand, huh? I would have thought you would use your right hand for cleaning the pipes. I guess lefty finally got wore out ;)

Laughing Soul said...

Button Fly's really?
Do you walk around with you suit jackets with massive shoulder pads and your collar popped too? Really?

Hilarious post though. I love reading your shit.

Slainte

Malach the Merciless said...

Cut the hand off, problem solved, that will be $5

dani c said...

Ok that belly button pic.....ewwwwww lol

Me-Me King said...

Stinky Pinky?!? This whole section will have me up all night. Thanks!!!

moooooog35 said...

VE: Like what? Crocheting is definitelt out...so there goes that.

Bow: Word.

What?

Keillie: Yes - we all get bellybutton lint.

However, your husband apparently has bigger issues.

Coffee: "Have your wife stitch some..."

HAHAHA! Sewing! Wife!

Good one, man. Laughed myself to sleep.

wc#3: I can watch videos one handed - typing is a whole other thing.

Hussy: Typical woman. Every guy knows you need your prominent hand to work the remote when 'cleaning the pipes." Jesus.

Laughing: No suit coat...but I AM wearing leg warmers.

That's okay, right?

Malach: Your co-pay is surprisingly low!

Dani: What? I got it off your Flickr account.

Me-Me: The last time I was up all night was when I took TWO Viagra.

Damn near died.

Good times...good times.

binks said...

So, you're a tripod with your 2 ft penis?

meleah rebeccah said...

I am dying laughing over the use of the MC ESHER photo.

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