Getting Fixed...NOT | Mental Poo

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Getting Fixed...NOT

Before I start, just a reminder of my poll on the left.

If you neglect it too long, it stops working.

I think I'm thinking of a different poll.

Right now, it's a neck-in-neck tie with "i want pics of a lady who is doing her poo poo and isnt wearing any bra or panty" and "Angela Lansbury."

I know. Creepy.

Back to the POST!!


It bends way to the right now.

Sometimes I can't even blow it myself.

It got this way when I was roughhousing with some Canadian guy.

Well..he did all the roughhousing.

Luckily, the booze numbed the pain...

When the prick broke my nose.


LE Prick.

(that's French for 'fucking asshole')

The story of how my nose got this way in Canada can be found in one of my earliest posts, "Ow, Canada."

Long story short, about 22 years ago the inside of my nose was involuntarily relocated 1/4 inch to the right.

Plastic surgeons charge you thousands and thousands of dollars for this type of surgery...

...when all you need is a shitload of Molson and a fucking big mouth.

On the bright side:

No Insurance Copays!


Beer+ rampant stupidity = involuntary rhinoplasty.

I haven't been able to breathe right since.

This is evidenced by the bruises on my back and sides that remarkably resemble the soles of my wife's feet.

I snore.

She beats me.

Since this is pretty much all the action I get, I let her do it.

Like my son's teacher says:

You get what you get, and you don't get upset.

On a related note:

I bury mental pain fairly well.

So, today - on April 23rd, 2009 I was supposed to go under the knife again.

Not for my shoulder.

Not for my balls.

There would be no need to shave my nuts unless they really really needed it.

Ball stubble is uncomfortable on my tender yet muscular thighs.


If I did it right, and if you listen closely, you can hear all the straight guys out there throwing up a little.

Good times. Good times.

So the doctor was supposed to be moving my mangled septum back to where it's supposed to be...

...which, I assume, is somewhere in the middle.

I hear that this is really painful and will be for a while.


Now I just threw up a little.

Ugh. Pain.

That will pretty much suck ass.

However, I said 'supposed' to be today.

You see, a tiny little surgery I had a few weeks back - complete with fucking seizure - changed my mind on it. know...all the pain and shit.

I've pushed it back until the summer sometime.

So, tonight, honey...I'm gonna be in full-bore-snore mode.

Until after the surgery.

Maybe after this I'll be able to wake up in the morning without size 6 welts on my back.


I'm gonna miss the physical contact.

Moog out.


Kristi said...

Did you know that after nasal-type surgery...they dilute cocaine in saline, soak some cotton balls in said mixture and stuff them up your schnoz?

At least they used to....haven't done any of those cases in a long time...

Fixed nose...loaded with coke...what more could you ask for?

Rahul said...

You should wear a mask.

May I suggest a Ronald Reagan one?


Blonde Goddess said...

I'm still cracking up at the "I googled dying sucks" picture.
Is that Mrs.Santa Claus when she was younger?

As for the sleeping arrangements...I'm a firm believer in restraints.
Restraining your woman at night not only allows you unlimited sex, but will prevent you from bodily harm while snoring.


Grace said...

I want a santa suit like that... said...

See. You screw around with us Canadians and we fuck you up. (Makes you want to learn how to say my name doesn't it? DOSEN'T IT!!??)

Christina_the_wench said...

Yes, but they have better hockey than we do. A sad but true fact. Hockey players are hot, even with their broken noses so buck up, little buckaroo. Mrs. Santa would do you. I'm pretty sure her standards aren't very high.

Coffeypot said...

My nose is fucked up from a fight I had while in the Navy. So now I sleep with two McDonalds straws stuck up my nostrils. It ain’t purty, folks, but it works. However, if you are considering using my medical breakthrough technique I strongly suggest you shake all the Coke droplets out first. Otherwise you are up all night coughing up Coke bubbles from your lungs.

Mike said...

What you need is a Canadian to hit you on the OTHER side of your nose to set it straight again.

It has to be a Canadian otherwise it won't work.

Have your people call my people to set up an appointment.

You're welcome.

Moooooog35 said...

Kristi: Well...I supposed I could ask for a fixed nose NOT loaded with coke.

Too much?

rs27: Do I have to dig him up to get it?

BG: Thanks for the tip. That should go over well in the inevitable divorce proceedings that follow.

Bow: THAT SIZE?!?!

Repli...le blah le blah: No. I don't want to know you're name.

How the Canadiens doing this ye..oh...nevermind.

Did I mention I have a Bruins tattoo?


Christina: (see repli..comment above)

Coffee: You're quite a catch.

Look out, ladies!

Mike: Nice to know someone's got my back.

To the ground.

While stamping on my face.


LBluca77 said...

Christmas is officially ruined after seeing that pictuure of Mrs. Claus.

Narm said...

There is nothing worse than ball hair with only a week's growth. It is like hanging a pin cushion between your legs.

Anonymous said...

I hope you get a morphine drip.

Kristi said...

The coke? Good for bleeding control and pain control.

Well...unless you're into that sort of thing.

And I'm thinking......yes, you are.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Sounds like a great way to spend the summer!! Scaredy cat.

Colleen said...

You have to use your feet because guys gain about 60 pounds when they sleep and are impossible to move without a lot of leverage. And they don't wake up so you have to brace yourself against the wall and push with your legs (never your back thats not the right way). Guys that snore suck, sorry.

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey, where did you get the pick of Rhianna?

MoooooogRocksmySocks said...

I think it's some form of pain killer they mix in the saline that they shove up you nose now...I'm going off the comment Kristi made earlier...that stuff they use to numb your mouth when they yank teeth...that crap.

BTW...ya seem to like video games a lot. go try Black and White...PC get to play God....I'm serious..go wiki it....enjoy. later

Coolred38 said...

Please tell us you at least managed to get some licks in...I mean hits...a nipple twist or something...anything??!!!

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

Soon you'll be able to put your surgically enhanced bionic finger into your surgically enhanced bionic nose and do some bionic nosepicking!

rachaelgking said...

You damn snorers. B has foot prints AND scratch marks.

I call it "foreplay."

Kellie said...

I've been told I snore when I'm drunk and passed out. I think my husband probably beats me but I'm so drunk I don't even realize it. That's love. :)

Susan said...

I swear I just saw a commercial for these plastic rings you shove up your nose to stop snoring. Over the counter dude. Hurry up. Because I'm not sure what's worse - sleeping next to a really loud snorer or looking at that picture you posted of the lady in the santa suit.

Moooooog35 said...

Lbluca: Christmas? Jesus, woman...that broad ruined pretty much every day I see anyone wearing red.

Narm: We are brethren.

Free: Right now I've only got postnasal drip. Morphine would be better.

Not as tasty, maybe.

Kristi: It's like you see my soul.

Mary: Yes. Summers filled with post-op fun!

Woo. Hoo.

C.Watson: I'm not saying I don't suck. I probably do. But because I'm asleep, I honestly don't give a shit.

Malach: Holy shit, dude...I thought you were talking about the fat Mrs. Claus.

You were 2 seconds away from being blocked.

You're better now.

Mom: I am God.

Actually, I am Rod.

They just messed up one of the letters.

Hospitals can be vindictive.

Coolred: I did!*

* I did not.

Becky: Excellent plan.

I'll see you back in 1962!

I'm assuming this will all result in the discovery of Quantum Leap. I'll tell Scott Bakula you said 'hi.'

LiLu: Foreplay? I'd call that 'done.'

Kellie: Ah. Now we see why he keeps you.

Susan: If it was being hocked by the ShamWow guy, I'd be suspicious.

Although, he WOULD be in the know regarding deviated septums.

Poetry Sue said...

Wowsa.... I would kick you too... Jeez all the things that poor woman has to put up with and you snore too!! Damn

FawkesFire said...

just got done reading your list of injuries.....dude, do you go out of your way to injury yourself??? I mean really.....I've heard there's people who are into pain, is there something you want to share?

meleah rebeccah said...

you have more surgery than ANYONE else Ive ever known!

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