Happy Belated Easter - I'm Dead AND Naked! | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Belated Easter - I'm Dead AND Naked!

This is a way late Easter post.

My blog. My rules.

Don't like it?

Well - there's the door.

(since I have no idea where your fucking door actually is, please turn and look at a door to get the full effect)

For the rest of you:

All ladies must remove their clothing.

My rules, remember?

Will you PLEASE stop friggin' arguing with me?!


Are those real?

I've digressed.

So, I mentioned that my wife and I took the kids to the beach the weekend before Easter.

After God decided it would be fun to toy with my kid's fragile emotions by forcefully destroying both of their fucking kites, we hit the arcade.

God: Destroying Magical Childhood Innocence via 30 mph Wind Gusts since 2009

In the arcade, my son found the game, "Rampage."

In this game, you play the role of a woman with her period who is out of chocolate.


Wrong rampage.

In this game, you play the role of a monster who completely destroys cities, wreaks havoc and kills people.

Actually...now that I'm rereading this...

...the other type of rampage isn't all that much different.

Seriously...throw in some missing chocolate and you've friggin' nailed it.

Regardless, my son loved the game so much, the Easter Bunny decided to give him the Wii version of it.

The Easter Bunny buys the used version of games so he can save some Easter money.

Ham is expensive.

In the game, you have to destroy civilization.

To gain health, you must eat people fleeing for their lives.

When you die, you turn into a tiny naked man.

On a related note:

Jesus wept.

But my son?

He. Was. Pumped.

So, most of Easter was spent with my son playing 'Rampage.'

Cam: "DID ANYONE SEE MY FUCKING CHOCOLATE?! I HAD CHOCOLATE RIGHT HERE! I am seriously considering killing someone."

Wrong 'rampage' again.

Never give your son estrogen.

The break he took was when he had to call my mother to wish her Happy Easter.

Cam: "Hi memere! I got Rampage. I go around and I destroy buildings and throw cars and eat all the people and when I get killed I turn into a naked man."

* cricket

Cam: "Oh. Happy Easter!"


Happy Easter.

Because nothing says 'Celebrate the Glorious Resurrection of your Lord' like eating people and throwing cars and destroying shit and then turning into a naked man.

Of course, I agree.

I can do this, of course.

My blog. My rules.


Mike said...

Rampage is an old game.

Really old.

Like, I wasn't much older than your son when I played it for the first time.

I hope they've updated the graphics in 20 years.

Although, I still have just as much fun playing it today. Except now we play it drunk and spend more time beating on each other than the buildings.

Fuck the rules.

Malicious Intent said...

OBVIOUSLY you are either
a. not taking the meds
b. not taking the meds as perscribed
c. selling the meds for crack.

Christina_the_wench said...

Crack? *perk* Huh?

Unknown said...

Sounds like you had a truly pious Easter. Well done!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Rules schmules.

And just so you know, I've been PMSing for the past 4.58 years...and I guess that's why my husband brought me home some chocolate last night, and then ran away.

MJenks said...

Jesus would weep if you didn't eat a mime.

Moooooog35 said...

Mike: No shit. I was surprised to see it (a) in the arcade in working condition and (b) made for the friggin' Wii.

Of course, I was about 20 when it came out first.

You suck.

MI: What...no 'all of the above?' You disappoint me yet again.

Christina: Just humor her. She's older than me.

Chris: You can't just throw words like 'pious' around and expect me to respond.

...without explaining what it means.

I'm too tired for Wikipedia right now.

Mary: You sound happy.

Mjenks: You, fine sir, are genius.

When I say, 'genius', I mean 'a freak.'

Welcome to the club.

Anonymous said...

That's how rock out on Easter. And Jesus ain't crying, he's dancing a jig.

kathcom said...

You just blew my mind. You had me at the chewed bunny head. How you worked in cleavage, Jesus and men's room sex is beyond me. Genius, man, genius.

rachaelgking said...

I moved Easter to Saturday because it was more convenient and got wasted with the gays.

At least it was red wine.

Donnie said...

Fuck, whatcha trippin' on bro'? Damn pass me some shit too! Let's play Rampage together...

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

I got naked and now I can't find my last Cadbury Creme Egg.

My kids have NO CLUE that I buy them used games and DVDs. I am not paying full price for those because they'll destroy them soon enough or they are bored with them in a matter of moments.

repliderium.com said...

I'm happy that the easter bunny has secured a secondary income source. Are his front teeth false though? I'm just wondering about possible blowjob liability.

Me-Me King said...

I removed my clothing as instructed. My dog laughed and then left the room. Great, so much for unconditional love.

Dr Zibbs said...

Oversized anal beads.

Good one.

Blonde Goddess said...

I took my clothes off too.
I have to go out and pick my kids up from school soon.

Can I get dressed now?

Moooooog35 said...

Cindee: It's like you people don't even know me at all.

Free: Amen, brother.

Probably the wrong term to use, there.

kathcom: wiser words have never been spoken. And that includes shit Elvis sang.

LiLu: Gays don't work on Saturdays?

I'm lost.

Don: Nice. I play Armadillo guy!

Becky: If the egg vibrates, I have a pretty good idea where you left it.

Repli...: Good point. I wonder if he supplies his own antibiotics.

Fiona: me too. And I'm working.

me-me: your dog laughs?!?!

You'll make millions!!

Zibbs: Call 'em like I see 'em.

Welcome to my head.

BG: Like today is different than any other day with you?

Christopher Jones said...

When given the choice, I always choose classic games like Rampage and Galaga over holidays that don't make sense like Easter.

How many kids grow up thinking rabbits lay eggs?

Bon Don said...

Ok my question is... can I get dressed now?

Loni's World said...

PMS = Rampage = Perfect!
You nailed it, those guys that created it probably heard the wrath of their PMSing mom way too many times. Hey at least someone is making money off of it.

I think you have a great "Adult" Game, the pmsing mom OMG so many people would buy that! Just give her chocolate to calm her down if not she goes ape shit LOL.

Olly said...

Ok, I got naked. Those Jehovah's were sure surprised a few minutes ago when I opened the door!

Childhood Easter memories for me are of sitting in church trying with all my might not to puke up the entire Easter bunny I scarfed for breakfast!

Kellie said...

I didn't know they still had Rampage. Awesome. Is it still fun? I'm going to look for it this weekend.

Harry Yack said...

D'ya think rabbits play Wii? I'd have thought they'd be more into Xbox or something. I'm gonna have to see if there are any related scientific studies.

LBluca77 said...

Oh please, like any woman would read your blog with their clothes on. That's just crazy talk.

Coffeypot said...

Boy is God laying in wait for you, bud. Making fun of his son and video games. I hope you have some asbestos underwear.

BDC said...

The question is. Can i take my clothes off and play some fucken RAMPAGE? next thing you know your gonna tell your son it's ok to drink and drive as long as his sun visors are down.....and he don't drink at intersections.

Malach the Merciless said...

I spent moola quarters on that game in the late 80's

meleah rebeccah said...

I think you need to get a Paten STAT on your idea of a video game involving a PMS-ing woman, chocolate and weapons. For real, I would SO play that game.

ClaireMontgomeryMD said...

and the people said . . . amen!

Moooooog35 said...

CB: Rabbits don't lay eggs?!?!?

Bon Don: i did not say 'simon says,' so...no.

Cold yet?

Loni: I'm selling this to the makers of "Leisure Suit Larry." We'll call it, "Rampaging Rita."

Olly: your Easter sounds magical.

Kellie: it IS fun. Especially if you're 5. Or have that maturity level.

* raising hand

Hindley: Um...of course they use Wii. An XBox is too big to fit in the warren.


Lbluca: I know. I even write it naked.

Great. Here comes HR.

Coffee: If he doesn't know I'm joking by now, then I've made my bed years ago.

BDC: Please. Leave. Clothes. On.

Thanks in advance.

Malach: If you go to Salisbury, then, you can relive your childhood.

Except for the creepy uncle touching part.

Meleah: I'm totally doing this once I figure out what a paten is.

Claire: Gadzhunteit.

saratogajean said...

Have you ever played "Rabid Rabbits?" Holy shit that game is awesome.

Kind of rampage-y.

Kristi said...

Rampage? PMS?

Walter says it best..."She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over!"


Kristi said...


Ahhh...a gal after my own heart!

Blog invite, please!

SSQuo said...

This is hilarious! :)

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