Your kneecaps will never be the same.
That's right, bitches.
I've joined karate.
With both my 5 year old son and 8 year old daughter enrolled in karate...
...I've come to this realization:
I'm tired of having my ass kicked by vengeful small children.
It's like my Federal criminal trial all over again.
This "age of consent" thing is a scam.
So, at the age of 40, this 5'2" tall lover of all things vagina and boob-like enrolled in karate class.
Here's some of the shit I've learned:
1) I'm not bendy
The first 20 minutes of each class is comprised of stretching.
Here's how that goes:
Sensei: "Okay..now put your left leg behind you...your right leg in front of you...and reach down to your toes."
Me: "Yeah. Okay. Fuck that shit."
Sensei: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Sorry. Sorry. Fuck that shit, SENSEI."
Supposedly there's some mantra about respect and obedience I'm supposed to learn in here...
...but I'm drawing the line when you start treating me like a fucking Bendaroo.
Kid: "Look! I made an airplane! ZOOM!"
Me: "LET GO OF MY LEG!!"
Also, I've discovered that I apparently have all the elasticity of piece of steel.
Good looking steel, sure.
But ain't no goddamn way in Hell that my dashing good looks are getting this foot way the fuck over there, sensei.
Racism is fun.
2) I look like I'm wearing a big kid's fucking hand-me-downs
I have to wear something called a "Gi."
Gi is pronounced "G-ee" with a hard 'G' (that's what she said)...
..and not "Gee" like:
"Gee..I look really fucking stupid in this thing."
My problem is that I can't find one that fits.
We've tried three different ones.
Here's what the Gi is supposed to look like on me:
Here's what my Gi ACTUALLY looks like on me:
I think the fact that no one can see my fucking hands because they're 6 inches deep in my goddamn sleeves is actually conducive to my stealthiness as a tiny sexy death machine.
("Tiny Sexy Death Machine" would be an awesome name for a Rock Band)
Where are my hands?
Are they gone?
Am I a pirate...
...or some type of karate cripple prodigy?
Oh..you don't see my hands?
Hmmm...well they must be in...BAMBAMBAM I just broke your nose!!
Five feet of fury, baby.
Five feet of fury.
...can someone help me get my foot out of my ear?
Not you, sensei.
I'm still pissed at you.