The Shit I Learn: Karate Edition | Mental Poo

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

The Shit I Learn: Karate Edition


Your kneecaps will never be the same.

That's right, bitches.

I've joined karate.

With both my 5 year old son and 8 year old daughter enrolled in karate...

...I've come to this realization:

I'm tired of having my ass kicked by vengeful small children.

It's like my Federal criminal trial all over again.

This "age of consent" thing is a scam.

What?

So, at the age of 40, this 5'2" tall lover of all things vagina and boob-like enrolled in karate class.

Here's some of the shit I've learned:

1) I'm not bendy

The first 20 minutes of each class is comprised of stretching.

Here's how that goes:

Sensei: "Okay..now put your left leg behind you...your right leg in front of you...and reach down to your toes."

Me: "Yeah. Okay. Fuck that shit."

Sensei: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Sorry. Sorry. Fuck that shit, SENSEI."

Supposedly there's some mantra about respect and obedience I'm supposed to learn in here...

...but I'm drawing the line when you start treating me like a fucking Bendaroo.

Kid: "Look! I made an airplane! ZOOM!"

Me: "LET GO OF MY LEG!!"


Also, I've discovered that I apparently have all the elasticity of piece of steel.

Good looking steel, sure.

But ain't no goddamn way in Hell that my dashing good looks are getting this foot way the fuck over there, sensei.

So solly.

Racism is fun.


2) I look like I'm wearing a big kid's fucking hand-me-downs

I have to wear something called a "Gi."

Gi is pronounced "G-ee" with a hard 'G' (that's what she said)...

..and not "Gee" like:

"Gee..I look really fucking stupid in this thing."


My problem is that I can't find one that fits.

We've tried three different ones.

Here's what the Gi is supposed to look like on me:


Here's what my Gi ACTUALLY looks like on me:


Smashing.

I think the fact that no one can see my fucking hands because they're 6 inches deep in my goddamn sleeves is actually conducive to my stealthiness as a tiny sexy death machine.

("Tiny Sexy Death Machine" would be an awesome name for a Rock Band)

Where are my hands?

Are they gone?

Am I a pirate...

...or some type of karate cripple prodigy?


Oh..you don't see my hands?

Hmmm...well they must be in...BAMBAMBAM I just broke your nose!!

That's right.

Five feet of fury, baby.

Five feet of fury.

Now...

...can someone help me get my foot out of my ear?

Not you, sensei.

I'm still pissed at you.

35 comments:

Mike said...

You...

Karate....

A 5'2" piece of steel.

Get another short guy, tie a rope to him and you, and you got yourself a set of num chucks!

Spinning midgets of fury!

Christina_the_wench said...

Are you dumb? Didn't you just hurt yourself recently and whined about it for days? Round 2?

Me-Me King said...

WTF?

Are you crazy?

freetheunicorns said...

You realize your kids are now going to totally dominate you. Unless you get a bunch of ninja stars to throw at them.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

5 Feet of Fury is also a terrific Porn Title.

I'm just sayin'. Sensei.

Arielle said...

Your poor wife. It'll be like three kids practicing karate. She's going to need to take it up too just so she can defend herself.

LBluca77 said...

I think you need to post a video of your kids kicking your ass. It would probably be great birth control for some people.

Deadpan said...

Bendaroo is also a good name for a porno.

Possibly kangaroo bestiality.

I smell profit.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

"5 Feet of Fury " Hahahaha! Your kids are so gonna kick your ass in about a month. lol

Chris Wood said...

Zen dog dreams of a medium sized bone.

fiona said...

Join Club Penguin!
They have a Karate game you can play.
Safer for ya darlin what with your wee arms and "broken" bits ;)

moooooog35 said...

Mike: NUNchucks.

Numb chuck.

Christina: I don't whine.

I whimper or sob uncontrollably.

Get your shit right.

Me-Me: Um. Duh?

Free: Helpful tip.

Write me letters while I'm in prison!

Mjenks: ...working on it now...DONE!

Arielle: Every day in my house is is like Ninja Turtles but with less salmonella.

Lbluca: The last time I made a video like that, Chris Hansen showed up.

Deadpan: Godspeed with that, friend. Godspeed.

Tee: A month? They've been pulling that shit for years.

Chris: Yes. What?

Fiona: Okay...I'll club a penguin but I fail to grasp how this will help my self-defense.

Stacie's Madness said...

i NEVER know what to say after your posts...just know I am HERE reading and laughing my ass off.

oh, the last picture looks like a little pocket pool is going on...are there pockets on your GI? Cause if there are, I bet THAT'S where your hands are...

or sensei's.

Dr Zibbs said...

If I saw the "Killing Machine" guy I'd bend over and demeaningly say,

"Who's a little killing machine..who's a little killing machine?

C.B. Jones said...

I thought Gi's weren't supposed to have long sleeves? All these years of playing Street Fighter taught me nothing

LiLu said...

This is so Seinfeld... now I will forever picture you as Cosmo Kramer.

moooooog35 said...

Stacie: You bet right.

COMIN' AT YA!

Dr. Zibbs: ...the last words you'll ever say...

CB: No - you have to belong specifically to Cobra Kai for those.

Macchio got lucky.

rs27 said...

Wait, so which Asian are you?

Susan said...

Holy crap. Killing Maching Guy is KILLING ME!!!!

Kellie said...

That is awesome. I say good for you. You've got to get your little body in the best shape ever so that you can last longer w/ your wifey. She told me your 2 minutes of wonder were creeping closer to 1 minute. She was getting worried.

moooooog35 said...

rs27: I'm the one jumping.

Duh.

Susan: Don't write comments!! CALL 911!!!

Kellie: Hey...if I can get the little guy started in the first place is a wonder in itself.

I'm hot.

Sara Sue said...

LMFAO!! "racism is fun"!!

Olly said...

Oh no...Is this your "turning 40" thing? Well, it makes a nice change from getting tattoos, or joining a rock band, I guess...

Da Old Man said...

I'm quite proficient in the Mafiosi Branch of Martial Arts.
I carry a .357. Try any shit and I use the ancient art of Ishootchurass.

Malach the Merciless said...

You Katate guys ain't got shit on us Jujitsu guys

cookiebitch said...

I think you can take that retarded guy in the stroller. You know .. if you take him by surprise.

cookiebitch said...

Pee Ess ... your most popular post link doesn't work and I'm trying to find your Riding the Hershey Highway post to share with a friend whose son recently shit himself. (Yes, he's proud). Don't keep your traumatic childhood from the world.

dani c said...

Just like you, I signed my kids up for karate classes. I figured sense they joined that I would too.
I bailed ot on the first class after I learned that I had to call some dude Sensei.
Reminded me too much of karate kid and laughed my stupid ass off each and everytime..

moooooog35 said...

Sara: We should make a theme park.

Olly: No..no...my "turning 40" thing was getting my Harley...

...which I can't ride now because my hand is broken.

That was a great decision.

Da Old Man: Heston was a pussy.

Malach: I smell gang war!

Nevermind...it's just this cast.

Cookie: You can search here for "Hershey"...I also sent you the link.

You're right...shitting stories need to be shared..

I smell repost!

Nope. Cast again.

Dani: They only make you call them Sensei when they mount you during "stretching time."

Not what I signed up for...but who am I to question authority?

GeologyJoe said...

sweet man. Rocking the pic of Eric the Midget. Nice.

HOWARD!

Blonde Goddess said...

A bendable Moog is a scary thought. You'd never leave the house! (I'm sure you got the visual on that...)

meleah rebeccah said...

You can seriously make ANYTHING into a hilarious read. Thank you for making my day with this post.

Katie said...

I'm too busy laughing to leave a good comment.

Mr. Condescending said...

I've heard you can get a black belt in a year.

Mr. Condescending said...

The final test is when the sensei places a pine board against your butt and tries to break through it without using his hands or feet.

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